DEAR READERS: This is the third column in a series about a topic I get a good deal of polarized mail on — that being the dilemma of whether a gay girl and a straight girl should be allowed sleepovers with each other. I’m glad we took our time exploring this because this issue has never been up for the widespread consideration demanded by this generation. What I learned is that the lesbian-straight sleepover is mostly “much ado about nothing.” With rare exceptions, whether undressing, sharing a room, or even a bed (although there was some disagreement on the bed), a lesbian does not become aroused by her straight friends, much less hit on them. To bar her from normal female bonding experiences is harmful.
The most common exception in my mail is between stepsisters thrown regularly into the same bed. The gay female anguishes over her arousal. She wants her own bed but doesn’t ask out of shame or because she’s still in the closet. I recommend this topic be included in sex-ed classes and the home sex talk. Parents discussing these things non-judgmentally with their teens and ensuring them that it’s safe to talk to them about “anything” is the best defense against problems. Another recommendation is to replace the oversized beds in many teens’ rooms with twin beds and folding mats for sleepovers. From what I’m hearing, by removing actual bed-sharing, issues reduce to almost zero.
I really want to thank our readers for your insights. Many of you posted on our website for all to read. Scot and Peter wrap things up with some excellent points. — Lauren
Editor’s Web Note: The Boomer and Gen X parents of today’s Millennials have a lot of catching up to do to get on board with all the changes taking place since they were teens. The commonality of the gay-straight sleepover is just one of them. The more parents can constructively and non-judgmentally engage their teen, tween, or college student in conversation around the things they read in this column, the more that young person will trust that you are someone safe to talk to in times of need or confusion. Sexual issues resulting from bed-sharing and bedroom-sharing are frequent in my mail. I wish parents were more sensitive to the power of sharing a bed (or bedroom in the case of brother and sister) and could see how important it is to replace a large bed with two twins, or create separate sleeping arrangements. That’s what ALL the kids with issues want you to do, they just aren’t telling you. — Lauren
Comments
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Dear Lauren:
As a person who happens to be gay, I really appreciate your reevaluating your original opinion and agreeing that there is no reason to ban girls who are gay from sleepovers. Sleeping in the same room with as well as undressing with straight girls does not raise sexual issues because it simply is not a sexual situation. The same is true for sharing a bed, although I personally do not like sharing a bed, but only because I am more comfortable sleeping separately, not because it it gets me sexually aroused. However, at least some gays who responded indicated that it can create arousal, so maybe it is best avoided. I have slept in the same room with and undressed with straight friends many times and do so with my sister on a daily basis since we share a room, and it has never been a problem or led to anything sexual. Thank you for reconsidering. It takes a big person to do that.
Shannon
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To my knowledge, ones orientation is almost preprogrammed into each person before birth. Other things decided before birth: hair color, skin color, race, and many other physical and mental traits that I don’t feel like listing. It’s prejudice and wrong to judge people by these traits just as it is to judge someone by their orientation. Now I know this is more an argument of etiquette, but isn’t it race and color? Would you not let someone sleep over because they are a different skin color? I mean I’d hate not being trusted for being a straight guy. I guess I just mean that we’re all still equal and straight, gay, or bi we all deserve the same amount of trust.
Besides, what’s keeping 2 straight people of same gender from experimenting? Well besides the extreme awkwardness.
