DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: My son is 18, a senior, and I recently met one his friend’s parents. I was floored when she told me she allows kids to drink at her house as long as they stay the night. She said lots of parents do this and assured me the kids are being responsible and that if anyone needs to leave, there is a designated driver. Our conversation prompted me to poll parents on this topic. Most felt that since the majority of teenagers drink, parents were smart to let them drink at home. I’m mortified. Here I’ve been worried about peer pressure, when I should be worried about the parents! What are your views on this?—Call me “Unaware”
Editor’s Web Note: I hope today’s column gives pause to parents who think they are doing the right thing by allowing booze parties in their homes. I have empathy for the mindset behind them, we all want our kids to be safe, but it sends the wrong message. And as you’ll read, though teens like these parties and the parents who throw them, the majority don’t respect them. Teens really are looking for role models and people that will help them rise above negative influences. Putting booze in their face contradicts what they’d really like to hear from adults. —Lauren
Comments
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What are these parents thinking? Parties like this send the message that teenage drinking is acceptable and is being encouraged by adults. According to their logic you could say teenagers are going to have sex anyway, so we should hold sex parties in our home and and pass out condoms to make sure they are having safe sex. It makes just as much sense as these drinking parties. Many teenagers also use illegal drugs, so why not hold “drug parties” since they are going to do it anyway? Drinking parties like this are not harmless. My sister came home from one of these parties hosted by a friend’s parents falling down drunk. She was in such bad shape that I had to help her use the bathroom and get undressed and into bed and she was sick all night and into the next day. Even though she was driven home by a “designated driver” it was a horrible experience and she’s grounded to our room every night for a month. The only good thing about it was that she learned a big lesson, but it never should have happened.
Lori
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It’s one thing to allow your teenagers to drink a little bit under your supervision, it’s entirely another to condone drinking with friends, under your own roof, without supervision. The problem is, too many parents really don’t know their teenagers, and they have NO idea what is going on in their own home. I don’t understand if it’s hard to set boundaries, hard to say no, hard to raise teenagers, hard to enforce rules, or hard to be a parent instead of a friend. I’m sure it’s a mixture—but let’s get realistic here. Parents are responsible for their teenagers, and in my ideal world, teenagers should be responsible for themselves.
Anybody see/remember the ER finale April 2nd 2008? It’s based on Shelby Allen, a teenager from my hometown who died of alcohol poisoning. She was underage, and drinking at another friends house—she died in her friends bathroom. The sad part, was that the friend was almost charged with involuntary manslaughter and other criminal counts.
Yes, it would be stupid to think that your teenager is never going to drink behind your back…Like Nicole says: “Would you rather your son get drunk in a park in the middle of the night and then drive home? Don’t be naive.”
BUT: Do you want to be the parents of the girl who was almost convicted of involuntary manslaughter? Parents who had no idea this girl was going to drink, let alone get so drunk, that she would later that evening die in their house?
Parents don’t just need to think about the safety of their children, they need to think of the legal repercussions that ensue from allowing (or being completely unaware of) their teenagers (and friends) to drink at their house.
The same goes to teenagers—don’t put your parents at legal risk, don’t put your parents respect, or their place in the community at risk. It’s complete idiocy.
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In response to concerns that may be put in the heads of adults after reading Nicole’s comment, I encourage parents to identify the reasons why their teenagers decide to drink and drive. Everyone – even teenagers – know it’s dangerous to do so, and I suspect that there may be underlying issues causing such irresponsible behavior. Defiantly if you as a parent feel disconnected with your child, letting them drink causally around home while underage is not the route you want to consider. Liking you as a parent and respecting you as a parent are different things, and will not likely build a strong and lasting bond between parent and teenager- if that’s what your goal is.
