DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: Your columns make me concerned for my son and daughter, ages 9 and 7, respectively. Their father and I divorced over his pornography habit. I hope my son doesn’t grow up to objectify girls and that my daughter won’t give a guy oral sex just because he takes her to dinner. I’m not an abstinence-only fanatic, but I do want my kids to reserve sex for a meaningful, mature relationship. What is the best approach to ensure they will value themselves in today’s sexualized world? — Phoenix, Ariz.
Editor’s Web Note: The sex industry has, well, industrialized sex. Sexual intimacy is reduced to body parts (most of them surgically enhanced). Porn is the great desensitizer. What used to stimulate no longer does. College-age men, part of the “pill generation” are using Viagra in record numbers to be “more masculine” and perform “up to standards.” Walk into any dive bar and girl-girl action is common, not because the women are bi or gay, but because they think it’s needed to attract men. With the porn industry pervading every aspect of life: TV, the computer, and now cell phones, it’s a constant challenge to let kids grow up with a porn-free point of reference from childhood. What’s at risk? Nothing less than the capacity for sexual satisfaction and intimacy — one of the things, at the end of the day, that makes life worth it. No wonder everybody’s depressed. Porn is wrecking sex. — Lauren
Comments
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The movie industry has, well, cannibalized books. Textual intimacy is reduced to moving/flashy parts (most of them 3D enhanced). Movies are the great desensitizer. What used to stimulate no longer does. College-age men, part of the “movie generation” are seeing films in record numbers to be “more masculine” and been seen as normal. Walk into any theater and people are there, not because they actually enjoy films, but because they want to fit in. With the movie industry pervading every aspect of life: TV, the computer, and now cell phones, it’s a constant challenge to let kids grow up with a movie-free point of reference from childhood. What’s at risk? Nothing less than the capacity for literacy, reader satisfaction and textual intimacy — one of the things, at the end of the day, that makes life worth it. No wonder everybody’s depressed. Movies are wrecking books. — Geoff
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I agree that parents should try to see to it that their teenagers don’t look at porn, but it’s easier said than done. I’m a 16 year old girl with a twin brother. Our dad was into porn and it was one of the main reasons our parents divorced. My brother and I still have to share a room because our mom can only afford 2 bedrooms. We have a computer in our room which was hard to afford but our mom made it a priority because she feels that we need it for schoolwork. I’ve seen my brother looking at porn on the Internet when he doesn’t realize I’m looking. If I come near the computer, he immediately closes the porn site. It makes me very uncomfortable to be sharing a room with him at our age knowing that he’s into porn. Since he’s my twin brother, I didn’t use to mind undressing in front of him. However, about the time I started noticing him looking at porn, he started to seem too interested in looking at me when I’m nude and a few times it looked like he had a boner/erection. He’s still a good brother to me and has never tried to do anything sexual and I’m confident that he won’t, but the situation still makes me uncomfortable. I’d like to start changing in the bathroom so that he doesn’t see me naked, but I’m afraid that our mom would notice and get suspicious and start asking questions about why I’m suddenly doing this. I don’t want to get my brother in trouble by telling our mom, but I really wish he wasn’t looking at porn when I have to share a room with him.
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Dear Anonymous,
You should definitely start changing in the bathroom regardless of whether your brother is watching porn. I get mail like this all the time, usually from the brothers saying they wish their sisters would change in the bathroom and not be nude around them because it does cause arousal even when they don’t want it to and they are not thinking deviant thoughts. In fact, we are doing a column on it shortly as it’s such a common problem. If you feel the need to explain your change in behavior, just say you’re at an age where you want your privacy and leave it at that.
Regarding your brother watching porn, you have every right to tell him he needs to stop because it makes you uncomfortable and that if he doesn’t you’ll tell your mom.
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You are totally right Lauren. Anonymous should stop changing in front of her brother today. She’s 16 for God’s sake! She shouldn’t owe her mom an explanation as to why she isn’t changing in front of her brother any more. If her mom asks, she should just say that at her age she isn’t comfortable anymore. Her mom certainly should understand. I also have a brother and our mom is a single parent who can only afford 2 bedrooms, so she and I share a room. That’s what she should be doing. I can’t imagine sharing a room with my brother, but if I had to, I certainly wouldn’t undress in front of him; that’s crazy, expecially when he’s looking at porn and getting a boner when he sees her naked!
Laurie
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What exactly is considered pornography? My mom found a Playboy when she snooped in my room. She called it “pornography” and threw it in the garbage and grounded me. I think the nude pictures in Playboy are tasteful and not degrading to women like some materials are. A Supreme Court Justice once said that he couldn’t define pornography but said “I know it when I see it!” If a Supreme Court Justice can’t define it, then who can? I have 2 older sisters and I don’t share a room with them, but they’re casual about nudity around the house and don’t put on a robe when they walk down the hall to take a shower and don’t always close the door to their room when they’re undressed. They say I’m a “prude” when I say it makes me uncomfortable and say it doesn’t matter since we’re “family.” Our mom agrees with them and now says what am I complaining about now that she caught me with a Playboy? Looking at Playboy didn’t cause me to have any sexual interest in my sisters. If anything, it’s the opposite as I would much rather look at the pictures in Playboy than see my sisters nude. I think that if they want to be casual about nudity they should do it in their room with the door closed so that I don’t have to see it and they can be nude in front of each other all they want and it doesn’t matter since they’re sisters.
T.J.
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I completely agree with T.J. It is totally wrong for his sisters to parade around nude in front of him. Their mom should be doing something about this if they won’t stop. Comparing this to his looking a the pictures in Playboy is like mixing apples and oranges. My sister and I aren’t shy about nudity with each other in the privacy of our bedroom since were sisters and are pretty casual about it. But we stick to our room with the door closed when we’re nude. Our brother hasn’t seen us nude since we were maybe 5 or 6 years old and I can’t imagine letting him see us as teenagers. As for “Anonymous” she should stop undressing in front of her brother immediately! She should have stopped when she started puberty at the very latest and probably long before that like my sister and I did. Even if they have to share a room, which I think is a very unhealthy situation, there are still ways to avoid having her brother see her nude.
Cindy
