DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: My friend, “Max”, has huge family problems and is cutting his wrists. The cuts aren’t deep, but his arm is infected because his parents lock the medicine cabinet and he isn’t cleaning it properly. Max showed me and some other girls the infection and told us not to tell our parents. But some girls did tell and now, behind his back, their parents are planning a first-aid package and intervention in his family problems. One parent said Max might be suicidal. I’m worried Max will be furious that we told and will more likely commit suicide when he realizes he can’t trust anyone. Am I way off about this?
Please help, I’m so scared
Farren, 21, Redding CA
Showing his arms was a huge cry for help. Please tell your parents, please send him first-aid supplies, please inform his school counselor. Maybe he will be mad, but isn’t that better than losing him to suicide and always wishing you had told someone? It’s hard being responsible for such large issues at a young age, but when it comes to my friends, call me a whistle-blower, I don’t care. I sleep at night.
Chris, 20, San Pedro CA
A girl in high school would cut herself with scissors during class, sprawling her sliced arms over desks for all to see. She didn’t ask verbally, but this was her call for help. Fortunately, it was reported to the dean and she received medical attention. Another friend in college developed a drug problem. He lost weight, became droopy and pale, and missed classes. When confronted, he’d say, “I’m cool. I can stop anytime.” We knew he’d be angry if we told the college, but something had to be done. He was expelled and sent to rehab, but really, for his own good. Whether it’s cutting, excessive drug use, black-out drinking, or any issue regarding health and welfare, it must be confronted before someone is killed, disabled, or catches a sexually transmitted disease. In deciding which adult to tell, assess whether or not that adult will improve or worsen the situation.
Emily, 16, Sacramento CA
The one time when tattling is the right thing to do is when someone is in danger. Your friends acted correctly.
Mariah, 16, Collinsville OK
Lots of friends, in secret, tell my sister and me that they cut their wrists. You need to tell an adult who can help. They will hate you at first, but eventually will thank you.
Katie, 15, Auburn CA
Since the cuts weren’t deep, telling parents was a dumb move because broken trust is hard to handle for someone depressed with unstable moods. A friend broke my trust and I’ve never forgiven her. You should have cared for his arm privately and got him to a counselor, but kept quiet with parental figures unless the cutting progressed. I finally told my parents and am just now getting help for cutting, but only because I went to ER and they required it. Don’t let Max go that far.
Graham, 15, Fair Oaks CA
You made a promise and shouldn’t have told.
Elise, 17, Fair Oaks CA
One of my friends cut and I kept my mouth shut. Finally her dad noticed and sent her to an out-of-state program. Later, she told me she’d tried to kill herself a couple of times before being sent away. I feel guilty for not speaking up — and relieved that nothing happened
DEAR SCARED: These last three comments reveal that many teens (like you) don’t comprehend the risk of holding dangerous secrets. If someone is cutting themselves — or exhibiting other destructive behavior (drug or alcohol abuse, anorexia, bulimia, recklessness, withdrawal, etc.), TELL A TEACHER OR COUNSELOR! THEY KNOW WHAT TO DO! Silence can be deadly. Don’t let someone’s suicide or disability haunt you forever because you didn’t speak up.
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By Kellee from Redding, CA on 08/17/2009
I’m researching teen suicide for a college paper and I came across this site. I’m also a mom who lost a daughter to suicide in 2004. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, tell someone if you know a friend who is talking about committing suicide or is self mutilating. After my daughters death I learned of many warning signs, many of which were not shared with me. Had I known I could have acted on my daughters pain and sought help for her. Looking back there were many signs, but as a parent we are often too close to the situation to see what is happening. You, as a friend, may see and hear so many things that kids don’t share with their parents. You’re not ratting them out, YOUR SAVING THEIR LIVES. Yeah, they may get mad, but their life is worth more than them being mad at you. They will get past their anger just as they will work through their suicidal feelings if they receive help and then you’re the best friend. PLEASE SPEAK UP!!!!!