DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: Someone I once considered a good friend has been saying absolutely horrible things behind my back. I overheard her, so I know it’s true. This person is very insecure and has tried to imitate almost everything about me at one point or another. Over time, she has spread rumors about me so horrid they caused me to switch schools twice. I recently learned that she told lots of people about my self-injury problem (which I see a therapist for) and made fun of me for it. When I confronted her, she lied to my face and denied everything. When I removed her from my life, she claimed to be the victim. I am so hurt. I already have horrible trust issues. How do I move forward as she continues spreading hate? — Hurt in Redding, Calif.
Editor’s Note: So many times, we wall parts of ourselves off. We either deny the existence of our “inner child” and become cold, emotionally-detached shells, unable to make deep intimate connections with others. Or we deny our “mature self” and let our inner child take the reins, becoming emotionally fragile and helpless about life’s challenges, with potential to harm ourselves or take our own lives.
The key to healing is knowing we are both inner and outer beings at once and giving each their appropriate time and space. It’s about being a good stage manager and casting director between our inner and outer lives. We really CAN operate in the outer world maturely and fairly by holding boundaries with people who might walk all over us, being accountable for our part in things, and keeping our hearts open to love. And in quieter moments, we really CAN tend the wounds of our inner child, nurturing her and loving her, being her best parent and consoling her for being too small to protect herself when she was young and harmed (those things really DID happen to her (or him) and she was not able to care for herself then). Seeing a good therapist can help with this inner process greatly — and the outer process. Both are essential and they are very connected to each other. —Lauren
Comments
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In my case it’s my stepsister who says terrible things behind my back and I thought that she was not only my friend but almost like a real sister! It was my best friend whom I totally trust who overheard her, so I have no doubt. My friend was in a stall in the girls’ bathroom at school and my stepsister didn’t know she was there. I’m overweight and have been put down about my body when I’m undressed, so I’m very senstive about anybody seeing me nude and avoid it if at all possible except for 3 people whom I trusted not to put me down: My mom, my best friend, and my stepsister who shares my room (and bed) during bi-weekly visitations. Among other things, my stepsister said that she can’t stand me, hates sharing a room with me, and that if you think I look bad when I have clothes on, I’m a sickening sight when I’m naked! I don’t want to tell her that I know what she said, but it’s really hard to pretend like nothing is wrong and she’s still nice as pie to my face. I’m now very uncomfortable undressing in front of her, but it’s hard to avoid when you share a room and it would seem strange if I suddenly left my own room and started changing in the bathroom. I agree that being betrayed like this really hurts.
Misty
