DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: I’m 16 with a 14-year-old sister. Our mom is gay and her partner, “Jenny,” lives with us. We’re products of a marriage when she was young and trying to be straight. We love and accept her and get along with Jenny. However, we don’t want to “advertise” the situation and are reluctant to have friends over. When we do have friends over, we would like to say that Jenny is our mom’s sister who lives with us and call her “Aunt Jenny.” We would also like them to keep their bedroom door closed as their double bed is a dead giveaway. Our mom refuses to play along. She says she is not ashamed of her sexual orientation and will not insult Jenny whom she loves very much. Shouldn’t she consider our feelings and how this could affect what our friends think? — C. S. in Vacaville, Calif.
Editor’s Note: It’s not only proven by evidence, but everyone knows instinctively that a parent’s sexual orientation has nothing to do with their child’s. Those who think differently are either entirely ignorant or are pretending to be ignorant as an excuse to be mean. The gay community is the current scapegoat for bullies. If you are a student in high school (where most bullying takes place), report bullying to school authorities and the police immediately. Please do this both for yourself and for others who may be too scared to seek help. —Lauren
Comments
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My sister and I are in a similar situation and have found ways to deal with it. It is somewhat easier since our mom’s lover “Joanne” (not her real name) doesn’t actually live with us, although she does frequently spend the night. We follow a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. Nobody thinks to ask if our mom’s gay, and we see no reason to tell them. Our friends just think our mom’s a single parent which certainly is not unusual these days. If Joanne is there when we have friends over, which happens all the time, we introduce her as our mom’s “best friend” and nobody thinks that’s strange. Our mom and Joanne don’t have a problem with this since it actually is the truth even though it doesn’t tell the whole story.
We avoid having friends spend the night when Joanne is sleeping over as it would be obvious that they’re sleeping in our mom’s double bed, but other than that we don’t have to hide anything from our friends. We do make certain changes in our behavior when Joanne is here. When it’s just us and our mom, we’re very casual and don’t bother to put on a bathrobe when we go to take a shower and often walk around in our underwear and sometimes nude. Even though our mom’s gay, she’s still our mom so we don’t have a problem with her seeing us. However, were not comfortable in this way with Joanne, especially since she’s gay, and always have at least a bathrobe on except when we’re in our room with the door closed and can still be casual about nudity since we’re sisters. But other than that, our mom’s being gay isn’t a problem and our friends don’t even suspect anything, and I really don’t think it would be the end of the world if they did know.
Cheryl
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I’m in a somewhat similar situation and can say that there is alot of prejudice and discrimination when something like this becomes known. In my case it’s my older sister whose openly gay. With one exception, none of my friends will spend the night since we share a room. As many said in the “gay-straight” sleepover debate in Straight Talk awhile back, I can say that there’s nothing to worry about, but my friends just don’t understand. I sleep in the same room with and undress in front of my sister every day, so I can guarantee that it’s not a problem. She has a girlfriend but has no sexual interest in girls who are straight. Undressing in front of her and having her see me nude is no different than with any other girl. I therefore understand C.S.‘s concerns and think that if her mom’s sexually orientation became commonly known, she and her sister would face the same kind of prejudice that we do, so I sympathize with her. I love my sister and accept her as she is and would choose her over any of my friends, but I still wish that we didn’t have to face the prejudice that we face.
Gina
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I’m not convinced that what Gina says is true. Maybe it’s true for her sister, but not all girls who are gay. My best friend convinced me that there was no problem when her gay stepsister was sharing her room on a weekend visitation. She said she was totally comfortable undressing in front of her stepsister and that she had no interest in her. However, I caught her sneeking a look at me when I was naked after taking a shower and again in the morning when I took off my pajamas to get dressed. Now I only spend the night on the weekends that her stepsister isn’t there.
S.H.
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S.H.‘s comment really makes me angry. I’m gay and have been accused of things like this many times and it’s totally untrue! “Sneaking a look?” Give me a break! I’ll bet if your friend’s stepsister were straight you wouldn’t have given it a second thought if she had happened to glance in your direction when you were naked. Since it’s known that I’m gay, I get accused of looking at other girls when they’re undressing in the locker room or when we’re in the showers. Contrary to what many think, the locker room and showers are not a sexual thing for me in any way, shape, or form. In fact, I’m just as uncomfortable taking communal showers as many others and only use the showers in the hot weather when there’s no choice if I don’t want to stink to high heaven. But since I don’t close my eyes, which would be dangerous in the showers, I get accused of looking at the other girls. The straight girls don’t close their eyes either and they also see each other naked, but nobody accuses them! The same thing has happened the few times I actually was invited to slumber parties. I share a room with my sister and we also face the same prejudice like Gina writes about. Most of her friends won’t spend the night and some would be willing but their moms won’t allow it. My sister has no problem undressing in front of me and it’s no different than with any other sisters who share a room. She stands by me in face of all of the prejudice and I love her for that. However, I also really feel bad that she has to face all of this prejudice because of me.
C.M.
