DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: I am writing about communal showers from a guy’s point of view. They have ruined my life. At least girls can admit feeling nervous about showering, but guys consider it a macho thing. Any guy who avoids taking showers is labeled a wimp or queer, so you don’t have much choice but to shower even if the PE coach isn’t strict — although most are strict as part of their macho thing. I felt the same embarrassment the girls wrote about, but it caused a problem no girl has to face. It caused me to get erections. Everybody started saying I was gay. However, I’m not gay, it was just a reaction to the embarrassment and I stopped getting them after a few months. That was two years ago but the label persists. When I say I’m not gay, they say, “Then who’s your girlfriend?” and laugh. Girls want nothing to do with me and I don’t have any guy friends either because they get labeled as gay. If anybody has advice, I would like to hear it. — Anonymous
Editor’s Note: Oh, to be able to return to high school and handle a situation like this with the confidence and moral strength of an adult! Using humor, turning the tables, knowing that insults say more about the thrower than the target, seeing people for who they are rather than buying the “story” about that person, and when justified, “kindly telling someone to shove it,” all come naturally to a confident adult. Yet I’ve met rare teenagers with this kind of confidence and moral compass, too. What most don’t realize is how powerful their “showing up” is. We each possess enormous influence and don’t even know it. Everyone is watching each other to see “how to be.” When we step forward and do something brave, like standing up for someone treated wrongly, it gives others permission to also operate out of compassion and strength, rather than fear, ego, and “fitting in at all costs.” I hope today’s column inspires someone to be brave the next time it is needed. —Lauren
Comments
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I’m a girl, so I obviously don’t get erections, but I have a similar problem because of the showers. A girl who doesn’t like me started the rumor that she’s caught me “looking” at her and the and other girls in the showers and “checking them out.” It’s a total lie. In fact, like many others I’m uncomfortable in the showers and do my best not to look at the other girls, although it’s impossible not to see anything. I’m not comfortable about nudity with other girls (either seeing others nude or others seeing me) except with my sister who I’m close to and share a room with and undress in front of every day, and my very closest friends. However, this girl is popular and I’m not, so everybody believes her and thinks I’m gay. To those on the panel who’s advice is in effect “just don’t let it bother you,” I’d like to say that’s easier said than done and I’m sure that you’re not facing this and being labeled gay and ruining your high school experience!
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I’m a male in my 50’s and read Straight Talk because I find it helpful as the father of teenagers. When I was in high school, I was labeled gay by the “macho” guys because I was much smaller than average and was terrible at sports. To make matters worse, the P.E. coach joined in ridiculing me and calling me a “wimp” and a “queer.” Any guy who started to be friends with me was assumed to be gay, so I was shunned by the guys and girls would also have nothing to do with me. Even though I have become a successful attorney, the scars from this have never totally gone away after all these years. When I recently received an invitation to my high school reunion, I immediately put it through my shredder. I really feel for “Anonymous” because what he is going through is horrible and telling him to ignore the comments is not the answer, although I do not know what is.
B.C.
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My younger brother has been labeled gay for the same reason. He’s so depressed that sometimes I think he could be suicidal. He barely leaves our room except to go to school which is hell for him. I would do anything to help him, but don’t know what I can do.
Melinda
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If every teenage guy whoever got a boner at an inconvenient time was gay, then we’d all be gay. It happens all the time and is uncontrollable, so it can happen in the showers just like anywhere else, and you can’t always hide it even if you have your clothes on. Fortunately, it has never happened to me in the showers, but it could have. I’ve seen it happen to other guys, but it never occurred to me that it meant that they were gay because I realized that it could have just as easily happened to me. I had gym class with a guy who is openenly gay and some of the macho guys gave him a hard time in the showers, but I never saw him get a boner (not that I was going out of my way to look). For some reason the showers seem to bother girls more than guys, although I’m not sure why. It’s never bothered me or most guys I know, but I’ve heard my sisters and their friends talking about how embarrassing it is even when their having sleepovers in their room and presumably undressing in front of each other. My sisters aren’t shy about nudity in front of me and it bothers me but not them as has been discussed in recent Straight Talk columns. The share a room and even share the bathroom in the morning when they’re using the shower and even the toilet, so I don’t see why they find it embarrassing to take showers with other girls, since it’s really no different.
Tom T.
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This sometimes happened to me when I first had to take communal showers and also think it was a reaction to my anxiety and certainly not because I’m gay, because I’m not. The problem went away after I got used to taking showers. I found that turning the tables worked when anybody commented on my boner. I would say something like “How come you’re so interested in looking at my dick and in how big it is? Are you gay?” That would shut them up really quick!
Bill
