Straight Talk TNT

Dear Straight Talk: After reading your column on MySpace, I wanted to say that I use MySpace to track my 16-year-old son and his friends. A lot of parents do this now. I feel a little bad about it, but how else do I find out if he’s staying out of trouble? Am I doing something terribly wrong?— MySpace Mom

Dear MySpace Mom: You find out if your teenager is in trouble by observing him, talking to him, getting to know his friends, being part of his life. If trouble is brewing and you’re paying attention, you will almost always see signs.

From what you’ve described, you are snooping for no reason. I have trouble with this because teens need varying amounts of independence in order to become adults. Snooping takes their independence away.

I know what you’re thinking: If a cocaine dealer in Las Vegas can see my son’s MySpace page, why not me? How is that snooping? I can’t really argue with that, it is a public forum, but I’m letting you know: going on his MySpace page with a false identity for the purpose of spying can be disastrous to your relationship. A breech of trust such as this can take years to heal.

However, if your son is showing signs of drug or alcohol abuse, flunking classes, acting depressed, violent, or engaging in risky behavior, by all means, start lifting some floorboards. But just as it is illegal to be pulled over for no reason, prying without cause, as promoted by websites such as MySpaceForParents.com, is an example of parenting gone awry.

Here is how the teen panel sees it:

From Jarrad, 18: Yes, you are doing something wrong. You are spying on him for no reason. If you had a reason to track him, a real reason, like you suspect he is using meth or he’s in trouble with the law, then do what you need to do, but just to check up on him? That’s ridiculous! If I found out it would ruin my relationship with you. In high school, your kid is not going to share everything with you. There will be experiences that your kid is not going to tell you about. That’s the way it is. But unless you have cause, spying on your son is wrong.

From Laura, 20: It is never alright for parents to use a MySpace account to monitor their kids’ activities. It is absolutely an invasion of privacy. The only thing snooping will do is foster distrust of the parent. If you have a concern, handle it by sitting down and talking to your child.

From Shelby, 14: Spying on MySpace is a really weird invasion of privacy. But I also think parents have the right to see your page on the spot. They shouldn’t be able to read every message but they should be able to see who you are talking to.

From Lennon, 21: I think parental supervision is good up to a certain age. But after 16, looking over our shoulder at everything we do is an invasion of privacy.

From Geoff, 21: Parents have always wanted to know what is going on in their kids’ lives, cleaning their rooms, peeking at notes on their desk, etc. Looking at MySpace pages is the form it takes in our transparent, digital society. Unless you have a private account, MySpace is public! This is the kids’ problem, not the parents’.

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