DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: My mom is very strict about obscenities and I have become close friends with “Joanne” who uses them in her normal speech — including the F-word. Such language is common in her family, in fact, her parents are worse than she is. Joanne recently spent the night and not only did my mom hear her talking, but my little sister, who I share a room with, got an earful. After Joanne left, my mom said she will not tolerate such “filth” in our home, especially as Joanne thought nothing of exposing my sister. Joanne is a very caring person. Her speech is the result of her upbringing. I think it’s unfair to ban her from our house when we are close friends. I would ask her not to talk this way at our house, but she will likely slip up. What can I do? —Susie, Rocklin, CA
Editor’s Web Note: What I learned from this column is that obscene language is so prevalent in society and media that most young people “slip up” pretty regularly with obscenities, even those raised in disapproving households. What seems to happen is that as kids hit the teen years, parents relax their vigilance and drop their own good example. But, today, a teen who can control his or her language and not slip up is at a huge advantage over the multitudes that can’t. — Lauren
Comments
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I think that you and your mom are both partly right. Your mom has the right to ban foul language in your house, especially since you share a room with your younger sister who would be exposed to it. However, I think your friend should be given another chance if she apologizes like Lauren says and promises to never talk that way in your house again. If she did it again, your mom would be justified in banning her from your house. Even if she’s used to talking that way, it is controllable. I’m sure that she wouldn’t talk to her teachers that way and is able to control what she says in the classrom. I’ll have to admit that my friends and I sometimes use bad language but we avoid it in front of our parents and our friend’s parents and younger siblings. I share a room with my 11 year old stepsister and my friends and I don’t use foul language when she’s in the room. However, I’m not sure how much we’re protecting her from. I had heard every bad word there is to hear in the schoolyard by the time I was in second or third grade, and I’ll bet she’s heard it all before.
D.H.
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Believe it or not, my sister and I have the opposite problem. Our Dad has a very foul mouth, especially when he’s been drinking which is just about every night, and it’s a total embarrassment to my sister and me when we have friends over. We do our best to just have them be in our room with the door closed and the TV or stereo playing so they won’t hear him, but we can’t always avoid their hearing him. He just laughs when we ask him to watch his mouth when we have friends over and says that he’s sure that all teenagers have heard it all before. There is one positive thing about it. My sister and I are so sick of hearing his filth that we never talk this way ourselves.
Carol
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I remember growing up and being scolded for calling my younger brother and older brother a butthead. As time went on and my older brother became in his mid-teens, he thought it would be “ok” to speak how he pleased whenever, wherever. My parents were never very strict on anything while I was growing up other than respect your “elders”. I, for one, was scared of my parents. Scared I would get in trouble for anything and everything, and certainly did not want to pay the consequences of making my dad angry if he were in a bad mood for whatever reason. I noticed I was about 13 (making my older brother 15 and my younger brother 12), that words not as extreme as the “F” word, but still ‘bad words’ were being used in his vocabulary. At first, my parents tried to act as if they cared (cursing was never a non-existent, nor frequent thing growing up, it was sort of in the middle), but after I noticed that he would not get in trouble for saying four letter words, I began.
I curse now, “hella” is a word that even my boss and I use in a daily conversation, but I choose not to use the “F” word or the “B” word as part of everyday speech and save it for an intense meaning (if I’m truly upset or just need to let things out, not directed towards a particular person usually). My boyfriend curses a lot and his family is the same way. It used to make me a little uncomfortable, but once you see past the words, they are still people with a good heart. Cursing is neither wrong or right, it’s, as you say, how you were brought up.
Your mother seems to be overprotective. You and your sister could hear that language in the grocery store, or walking to school. It’s part of life. She needs to have an open-mind and trust that she raised you and your sister with the values she believes is right.
You should tell your friend why she is not allowed over and suggest that she call your mom or stop by and apologize. Then explain to your mom that trying to keep you from all bad things in life, including words, will only cause you to grow up with a closed mind yourself, never having a chance to decide for yourself what is right or wrong.
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Did this girls Mom think of quietly asking Joanne not to use such language in their home? I run into this all the time with my son’s friends. And he is only 8! When any child or teen is respectfully and quietly told the rules of the home I find that they are glad to comply. When they break the rules I gently remind them and if they break them again I send them home. The next time they visit they follow all the rules. Some of these kids don’t have the best situation at home and I am glad to provide a warm, safe place for them to play. Plus I always have Popsicles.
