DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: I love my little sister but I hate being around her. We are complete opposites and she has everything I have — plus looks, friends, and sports and musical talent. (Even the songs we bought on iTunes were on her account!) When we hang out as a family, I often feel outclassed and inferior, and her sassy attitude doesn’t help. It seems I’m always odd-man-out because I “don’t make sense” or am “just plain wrong.” She doesn’t mean to hurt me and she’s even told me that. But I’m sick of standing in her shadow. Please don’t tell me to seek out people with similar interests or see a counselor. I’m doing both and it’s not working. I’m at the end of my rope and need help before our relationship really falls apart! — Los Angeles, Calif.
Editor’s Note: The thing not written about Lennon’s younger brother is that he was killed in a motorcycle accident when he was 18. I am taking the liberty to include it because he and Lennon are my sons. As they grew up, I marveled at Lennon’s ability to keep his ego out of the way and be friends with Jarrad, even as Jarrad stole the show in just about everything. It was interesting to hear Lennon describe how he did it and I hope others can learn from it. One thing I know for sure is how tragic it would have been had Lennon decided instead to feel inferior and let a bruised ego build a resentment between them. We truly never know how short life will be and there’s really never enough time to live like that. It may not be obvious to teenagers, but to mature adults looking in, a sibling who manages his ego like Lennon did, rejecting the whole “inferiority” thing as false, is just as stellar as the sibling in the limelight — if not more so. It takes tremendous self-esteem and generosity of spirit to do this, and these qualities shine as brightly as any talent or charisma. It’s similar to kids who sit the bench on a sports team. What they must learn to tame the ego is as valuable as what the stars of the team learn. —Lauren
Comments
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I know exactly how you feel. My fraternal twin sister and I inhereted totally different genes, and I got the short end of the stick. We are as opposite as you can be. We don’t look at all alike. She’s very attractive and I’m ugly. She gets straight A’s without breaking a sweat while I have to work hard and struggle to get average grades. She’s great at sports while I’m totally uncoordinated. To make matters worse, since we’re twins, everybody compares us. I have to constantly put up with comments like “How can you be twins when Mindy’s so much more attractive?” or “Too bad you’re not as pretty and/or smart as your twin sister, etc.” It really hurts. I feel that others look at me more as “Mindy’s Ugly Twin” than as a human being with feelings.
We share a room and she has her academic achievement awards plastered all over our room and her swimming and soccer trophy’s proudly displayed, while I have nothing to show for myself, which is a constant reminder of how inferior I am to her. Since I’m her twin sister, she isn’t shy about nudity in front of me in our room and is pretty casual about it. It shouldn’t bother a girl to see her sister, especially her twin sister nude. However, since her body is so much more attractive than mine, it’s one more thing that makes me feel very inferior as does her seeing me when I undress. My sister doesn’t verbally put me down like others do, but I feel that the way she displays her achievements as well as her body in our room is a subtle way of rubbing in the fact that she’s so much better than I am. While it’s obviously true, it hurts very much.
Ugly Twin Sister
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I don’t know if it applies in the case of the girl who wrote, but there can be 2 sides to this issue. I’m 16 and have a stepsister the same age and we go to the same school. My stepsister hates me because guys find me attractive and I get asked out alot while they don’t find her attractive and she never gets asked out. I don’t say it to her since I know it would just make her angry, but her biggest problem is that she is very overweight because she is always overeating. I eat properly and exercise to keep my body thin and trim. She is very spiteful towards me which makes for a difficult situation since she’s family and we have to share a room every other weekend when she stays with us. So is it my fault that I’m more popular with the guys? What am I supposed to do, overeat like she does and make myself unattractive too? She’s even accused me of “smirking” at her body when she’s undressed which is a total lie and all in her head. Friends won’t even come over when she’s staying in my room since she acts hateful towards them too. I think many girls who get depressed about being “outshined” are doing nothing to help themselves when they could.
A.C.
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My sister and I can really identify with the letter from “Los Angeles.” In our case it’s our stepsister who’s the “better” one. No matter what we do or achieve, our stepdad has to point out that his daughter from his prior marriage is “better” (his favorite word) than we are. When we were proud of making the honor roll for having better than a B average, he had to point out that his daughter got straight A’s. When we were proud of landing jobs last summer which wasn’t easy in this economy, the first thing he had to do was point out that she got a “better” job. Of course, the hiring manager where she got her job just happened to be our stepdad’s brother while we got our jobs by making a great effort, but this somehow still makes her “better.” We have to share our room with her when she stays with us and she gets our double bed while we have to sleep together on the uncomfortable rollaway bed because she’s a guest and deserves the “better” bed. She has a much more attractive body and has to show it off by going out of her way to be nude in front of us. If we say anything she says we’re being ridiculous since “we’re all girls,” but it’s obvious that she’s trying to lord it over us as she looks at us contemptuously when we’re undressed and says things like, “You know, you might actually be attractive and be able to get a boyfriend if you lost alot of weight!” I could go on forever, but these are good examples of what it’s like to have to put up with a stepsister who is “better” than we are and it drives us crazy.
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This also happens to guys. I’m destined to spend my entire time in high school in my older brother’s shadow. He was a star athlete while I’m terrible at sports. Not a day goes by that I’m not reminded by someone what a great athlete he was and that I’m not. He graduated the year before I started high school, so we weren’t at the school and being compared at the time. I looked up to him and loved going to his games and was proud of his achievements. However, now that I’m being compared to him and put down because of it, I can’t help but resent him even though, logically, I realize that it isn’t his fault. My PE coach loves to demean and humiliate anybody who doesn’t have athletic ability, but I get it the worst because he coached my brother and therefore thinks I have no excuse. I can’t even get away from it at home. He’s off at college, but the room we shared is still full of his sports trophies. My mom won’t put them away because she says they make her feel that there is still a piece of him at home. I wish that kids as well as adults would just let everybody be their own person and be valued for who they are and not compare them to others.
Little Brother
