DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: My 15-year-old daughter, “Amy,” has never had a boyfriend nor kissed a boy. Recently she told me she thinks she is bisexual. She says she is confused because she likes boys but none like her — and she likes her friend who is a girl. Amy receives regular compliments on how beautiful she is, but because of self-esteem issues, she considers herself ugly and overweight, which she is not. My suspicion is that Amy has told others she is bi and now has this label. Could that be why she’s never had a boyfriend? Also, how can she say she’s bi if she’s never been with a boy? I’m trying to be understanding. How should I best respond to this?
Amy’s mom, Tuscon AZ
Mariah, 16, Collinsville OK
My friend’s older sister was lesbian in high school, then went bi, and now is married to a man and has two kids. Lots of teens label themselves bi, lesbian, or gay. For some it’s real; for many it’s a phase. And yes, calling herself bi could explain why boys aren’t interested.
Farren, 21, Redding CA
Maybe she’s bi, maybe she isn’t. Some bisexuals, lesbians and gays know their sexual orientation at a young age and don’t need a partner to realize it. Like love, sexual orientation has many meanings and differs for everyone. It’s possible your daughter’s self-esteem plays a part. You just have to be supportive and communicative, give her room to grow, pick her up if she falls down. I’m truly impressed that you are close enough that she shares this with you — and that you are reaching out for help.
Dominic, 21, San Luis Obispo CA
Bisexuality is often a trend, not a true sexual orientation. Based on your description, I think Amy has self-esteem issues masking as confusion over sexual orientation.
Megan 19, Boston MA
At 15, things are probably confusing because Amy’s friends are hooking up with boys, making it seem so easy. I didn’t hook up with a boy until junior year and my friends joked that maybe I was lesbian. Even though I knew I wasn’t, it stung. It’s possible Amy feels left behind and so she assumes she has a problem — or might be bi. But be careful, because maybe she is bi and is trying to be honest with you. Don’t approach Amy with labels. That’s negative. Just accept her for her. That will help her figure out who she really is.
DEAR AMY’S MOM: The essential question for 15-year-olds is “Who am I?” Bamboozling this age group with conservative or liberal spin on big questions like sexuality can be counterproductive. Your already-loving approach with Amy, combined with real information, will be most helpful. For instance, brain research at Northwestern University shows that, unlike males, most females (whether heterosexual or lesbian) register arousal when viewing either heterosexual or lesbian sex. In other words, most female brains have what is called a bisexual arousal pattern.
So why, if most women have this bisexual arousal pattern, do most orient heterosexually? The study doesn’t answer this, but in my opinion, this is where socialization and self-esteem enter the picture. Today, girl-girl action is common in movies and pornography (which many teens watch, and almost all have seen). Add low self-esteem and/or a feeling of failure with boys to the arousal generated by these images, and a girl could easily orient away from heterosexuality. It would actually be ‘normal and expected’ under the circumstances — and indeed is becoming more and more common.
I suggest you explain this to Amy, read about the study together at www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2003/06/030613075252.htm, and see our website for others. Insist Amy get counseling to help her sort things out (and raise her self-esteem). Keep loving her, keep talking to her, let her switch schools if she can’t shake her label.
——-
By No name on 06/06/2009
I listened to that song (“I Kissed a Girl”) – just a little bit, at the prodding of my friends – and it has got to be the worst song EVER. Not just the lyrics; the beat, too! Good thing it never got into the national top 2 songs. YUCK!
By Clari Smith from Auburn, CA on 06/06/2009
I guess I have been around for awhile and know that there is “nothing new under the sun” (King Solomon wrote this in the Bible!)
This is not new, girls. It’s been around a long time. The Bible calls it: “Vile- depraved, contemptible, wicked, an abomination, the opposite of love.”
Since sex is so promiscuous, they have tried everything and need to keep trying. When everything is ok to do, none of it is exciting. Just say no, seems passé, so you have to keep trying new stuff. Just try saying, NO and mean it. When you get “it” in marriage, it will be a lot more fun. Believe me.