DEAR READERS: Last week I aired reader responses to the column of NOV 4, 2009, where I sided with the mother who stopped allowing her daughter to sleepover with her long-term friend who was now lesbian. Today I’m featuring panel responses to my advice (which they didn’t like much either). So far, the word on the streets is that the lesbian-straight sleepover is mostly NOT where the action is — especially compared to female bisexuality in its “generalized fluid form” (for lack of better words). And this “fluid” female bisexuality is the main component of what I’m calling the “pansexual revolution” taking place in this generation. Geoff does it some justice below. — Lauren
Editor’s Web Note: I’m grateful to all the readers and young people on the panel for making this a truly constructive conversation. Because of the taboo nature of discussing anything considered sexually deviant, most people older than the Millennial Generation (born roughly 1982-2001; see our columns DEC/JAN 2010), have no idea the extent of the pansexual revolution that is well underway. I want to further state for purposes of filling in this picture, that many of the young people involved do not fit a negative stereotype. Many are the most high-achieving, moral, charismatic, contributing young citizens you’d ever run into. Believe me, I have what I consider to be healthy concerns about this revolution and I hope others do, too, but I encourage everyone (in both camps) to live with the questions a bit instead of jumping to the safety of judgments and conclusions. — Lauren Forcella
Comments
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I am gay and here is my short and sweet response on this issue:
Do girls who are gay have sleepovers with their straight friends? Yes. All the time.
Do we undress in front of each other just like any other friends when they have sleepovers? Yes.
Is undressing in front of each other a problem when someone is gay? No.
Do we share a bed? Sometimes, depending on the arrangements.
Do girls who are gay ever have sex or even attempt to have sex with their straight friends during sleepovers? NEVER!
Gayle
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I haven’t seen anybody write about the issue of opposite sexes sharing a room and would like to address that issue. I’m a 16 year old boy and have a 17 year old sister who is gay. We live with our mom whose a single parent with a small income who can only afford a 2 bedroom apartment so me and my sister have to share a room. I really think my mom and sister should share a room since their both females, but our mom doesn’t see a problem since my sister’s gay and there’s no threat of sexual activity. She says I’m just being selfish and want my own room when I say that I think they should share a room and that as the parent she’s the one entitled to her own room. She says she always shared a room and didn’t complian, but she shared a room with her sister which is totally different. I’m also forced to sleep on the couch when my sister has sleepovers with both gay and straight girlfriends since they won’t sleep here with a guy in the room which I totally understand.
I don’t undress in front of her and change in the bathroom when she’s there. However, she isn’t shy about undressing in front of me and is sometimes very casual about nudity in our room which makes me very uncomfortable. Even though she’s gay, she still has a very attractive body and I’m really ashamed to admit it, but I sometimes get turned on when I see her nude and even sometimes get an erection. However, I obviously can’t tell my mom that I get these feelings about my own sister.
L.C.
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I have sleepovers with both gay and straight friends and can say that sleepovers with a gay friend are no different than sleepovers with a straight friend. The same goes for undressing in the same room with a gay friend. All girls have the same body parts whether they are gay or straight, so undressing in front of each other and seeing each other naked should not be an issue and it isn’t as far as I’m concerned. Sleepovers and slumber parties are a very important bonding experience for teenage girls and someone should not be deprived of it just because of her sexual orientation, and I think that your original response was very insensitive toward the needs of girls who happen to be gay. That’s my opinion.
Amy
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If my mom had ever forbidden one of my friends from staying over because she was a lesbian, I would have been shocked and confused. I know you’ve expressed the opinion that female sexuality tends to be fluid, but I’ve personally never found that to be true, with regard to either myself or my friends. I think confusion over sexuality has much more to do with an individual’s overall emotional stability than his or her gender. Those who are already disoriented by social problems, dysfunctional family lives, and lack of guidance are going to be much more prone to be confused over their sexuality. For such kids as these, a sleepover with a gay friend should be the least of a parent’s worries. For kids who are generally emotionally stable and don’t have above average problems in their personal lives, it’s a non-issue. And for those who are truly homosexual, it’s going to come out sooner or later, and forbidding sleepovers with gay friends isn’t going to prevent it.
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Gays should be loved, like everyone else. I absolutely hate it when they are discriminated against just for being gay, such as the work force. However, if they are known for hitting on people, I’d say they should change at different times than the rest of the group when camping, etc. Me and my friends agree that you can be friends with gay people, “just don’t do it [make out] in front of us.”
Also, being gay is NOT, I repeat NOT, something you are born with! It has been scientifically proven that there is NO gay gene and the reason people often feel “gay” is either because of chemical imbalances, how they were brought up, depression, etc. It has also been proven that gay people can become straight. I myself am uncomfortable with the gay marriage idea and taking away the “don’t ask don’t tell” policy, because deep down inside, I know gay marriage is wrong and that if you take away that policy, you might scare other people away from the military. Although I agree that we should love gays for who they are, their acts of homosexuality should not be included in that. They have a choice to act gay or not; it’s not their destiny to be gay, like they often tell us. That may qualify me as a homophobic, but that is my stance, and even though I have so many doubts because there are so many different situations that can be thrown at me about this issue – it is such a fine line to walk, is it not? – I will continue to stand and love the people, hate the sin.
