DEAR READERS: We recently did a column (NOV 4, 2009) on a topic I get a lot of mail about. Two girls were close friends enjoying the usual sleepovers since elementary school, until, at 16, the mother of one girl stopped allowing sleepovers since the other girl was now known to be lesbian. I sided with the mother in saying no to her teen sharing a bed with someone sexually-oriented toward her. My readers mostly lambasted me. And frankly, as I’m the last person to want to harm or marginalize gays, your arguments touched me.
Nonetheless, it remains an issue with no simple answer — especially since I think most of today’s pansexual revolution is socially driven — and the power of sharing a bed with someone shouldn’t be underestimated. (For adults over 28 who are unaware of the changes going on with youth, hardcore pornography is a regular part of teen and tween life; in college, it’s a dominant element. At the same time, heterosexual girl-girl action and bisexuality among females has spiked from avant garde to commonplace. Coincidence? I think not.)
Since I get so much polarized mail about the “lesbian/bi-straight girl sleepover” I am devoting the next two columns to it. Today’s column features reader responses to the NOV 4 column. Next week’s will feature the panel’s response — and my (rethought) conclusion. Would love to hear your thoughts. — Lauren
Dear Lauren: Santa Ana’s mom seems to assume all gays are sexual predators. My older sister is gay. We are as close as sisters can be and frequently face this type of homophobic paranoia. I have friends whose parents won’t let them spend the night since we share a room — and some friends who themselves won’t spend the night. Undressing in front of someone gay is nothing to worry about. My sister has no sexual interest in straight girls and is not aroused by them. However, she gets cruel comments in the locker room from girls who assume she’s “getting off” from seeing their bodies. Some girls even see a problem sharing the school bathroom. It disappoints me that you sided with Santa Ana’s mom. — Jean, Redding, Calif.
Dear Lauren: I agree with you Lauren. A lesbian is, by definition, a female who is sexually attracted to other females. Therefore, sharing sleeping quarters and undressing in front of her is playing with fire. I don’t see how someone sexually attracted to females would not get sexual feelings in these circumstances, just as a guy would. I am not prejudiced against gays. I believe gay marriage should be legal. I also have a gay friend. However, I don’t undress or have sleepovers with her any more than I would with a guy. In Jean’s case, I think it’s okay since they’re sisters, but it shouldn’t go beyond close family members. — Terri, Roseville, Calif.
Dear Lauren: I am appalled at your response. Young women (straight or gay) do not show the same predatory behavior as young men. You sent a strong message that, because of this girl’s sexual identity, she is not to be trusted. Young gay people are often isolated in teen society. They battle condemnation and hatred from churches and irresponsible press. Combined with non-acceptance of friends and family, many commit suicide. You mentioned “distress mail” you receive from teens who get unintentionally aroused or involved sexually with those they share bedrooms or beds with, but please do not lump teenage lesbians into the sexually deviant category of incest. Thankfully, your panelists are more open-minded about sexuality, not offended or scared by it. Perhaps this future generation, instead of preaching isolationist attitudes and condemnation, will enter a new path of acceptance and learn to discuss feelings and motives around sexuality. — Tracey Johnson, Orange County, Calif.
Editor’s Note: We deal with some tough issues in this column! One thing I’ve noticed when people bring up concerns about sexuality (and/or pornography) is they are accused of being old, frightened by sexuality, or killjoys. Which would all be laughable if it wasn’t such a deterrent to fruitful dialogue. So, as you send in your comments, please keep that in mind. The health of one’s sexual system is as important as one’s physical, mental, or spiritual health. When we change our sexual systems as rapidly as they are being changed today, questioning the changes is the intelligent thing to do. We don’t want to end up with the sexual system’s version of an obesity crisis. That really would kill some joy! — Lauren Forcella
By Christie from Oakland, CA on 04/29/2010
I am gay and can tell you that from my perspective the sleepover/undressing issue is much ado about nothing and really a non issue as far as I am concerned in my experience. I have a gay girlfriend, but most of my friends are straight. Having sleepovers and undressing in front of each other has never been a problem, and I have no sexual interest in girls who are straight and seeing them nude does not make me want to have sex with them. I have one friend who has a double bed in her room that she shares with friends when they sleep over, and that includes me. I do face prejudice and discrimination, but the girls who feel this way are not my friends in the first place, so there is no issue about having sleepovers and undressing in the same room anyway.
I have a younger sister and our mom expressed some concern about our continuing to share a room and sleep in a double bed when I first “came out of the closet.” However, my sister had no problem and convinced our mom that there was nothing to worry about. My being gay is a non issue when it comes to us sharing a room and undressing in front of each other and no different than with any other sisters.
Christie
By Carla from Carmichael, CA on 04/29/2010
Our mom remarried last year and my sister and I now have a stepsister who is gay. We were nervous when we were told that we would have to share our room with her when she stayed with us on visitations. We thought about changing in the bathroom, but figured it would be obvious we were doing it because she was gay and be awkward, so we just went ahead and undressed with her in the room. We felt a little uncomfortable the first time, but that was it. She didn’t seem the least bit interested in looking at our bodies even when we were nude and we realized that undressing in front of her was really no different than undressing in front of any other girl, since we’re still all females with the same body parts. We’ve become good friends with her and her being gay just isn’t an issue with us. We’ve been sharing a room and undressing in front of her every other weekend for nearly a year now and can say from experience that it is not a problem. We don’t share a bed, and I still don’t think I would be comfortable with that and would draw the line there, but other than that it is no problem.
Carla
By Carol from Orange, CA on 04/30/2010
My identical twin sister is gay and I’m straight. Some theories say it’s heredity and some say it’s environment that causes someone to be gay, but it doesn’t explain it in our case either way, so go figure. Anyway, we’re just as close as any other twin sisters and her being gay makes no differnce to me. Sharing a room and bed is no problem whatsoever. We have sleepovers in our room with both gay and straight friends and again, it is no problem. I think everybody should just accept each other for who they are as human beings and not worry about things like this. Anyway, that’s my opinion.
Carol
By anonymous from Las Vegas, NV on 05/01/2010
I’m 16 and gay and still in the closet because my family belongs to a religion that believes that this is a terrible sin. I agree with most of what the others say except for the issue of sharing a bed. I personally feel that is dangerous. I have a 14 year old stepsister who I have to share my double bed with when she stays with us on weekend visitations. Since my family doesn’t know I’m gay, no one sees a problem and I can’t tell anyone. Being in bed with her does give me sexual stimulation. I have been able to control my feelings and feel that I will be able to continue to do so, but I really wish I weren’t in that situation. She isn’t shy about undressing in front of me, and I also have to admit that seeing her nude also gives me stimulation, but I can keep that to myself as long as we aren’t in the same bed. I really think that sharing a bed when someone is gay is playing with fire and should be avoided.
In the Closet
By Dana from Carlsbad, CA on 05/02/2010
“In the Closet’s” comment makes alot of sense. I mean, just about everybody would say that a teenage guy and girl who are straight shouldn’t sleep in the same bed even if they said they weren’t planning on having sex, because you just don’t know what might happen. It’s really the same thing when a girl is gay and sleeping with another girl. My sister has a friend who’s gay and has sleepovers in our room. I don’t have a problem with her sleeping in our room or even undressing in front of her since we’re still both girls. I never had the feeling that seeing me naked “stimulates” her, but even if it does, so what? since it’s just in her head and not doing any harm to me. However, sharing a bed with someone who is gay is a totally different story. I think that there are 2 separate issues here, sleepovers vs. sharing a bed.
Dana
By Farren from Redding, CA on 05/03/2010
I think the issue is that these situations are not cut and dry. If I had a heterosexual daughter I would have no issue with her sleeping at her female friends house, let alone in her bed, regardless of her sexuality. I am under the impression that the whole reason behind keeping girls and boys separated during most of their adolescence is to prevent early sexual conduct. But, in a situation where you have two females together, what type of sexual conduct do you think will happen when you factor in a heterosexual female? I would be hard pressed to find any lesbian who would cross that line with one of their straight female friends. I’m guessing in some cases the gay female friend could be attracted to the straight female—but I’m not sure why this would be an issue. If the straight female didn’t approve, or was worried about it, she probably wouldn’t even need the approval from her mother (because she wouldn’t be friends with a gay female in the first place).
Now, if I had an openly bisexual or gay daughter—I may even still allow her to sleep over at another bisexual or gay female friends house. I would definitely ask if there was a mutual attraction, and probably take it from there. The reason I wouldn’t have such a cut and dry take on the situation, is that I would never want to isolate or alienate my daughter from the rest of her female friends. Most young females have sleepovers and I’m pretty sure females will continue to be lumped together when undressing for the gym etc. I would find it more an issue that I was preventing my daughter from social development and successful relationships with other females, all because I was afraid of the
“what if?”
My graduating class in middle school only had around 11 girls. If I were a lesbian, and my mom had taken the stance that I was not allowed to sleep over, or share a bed with another female friend—I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have made it out with any female friends. And so yeah, maybe I would have had a few guy friends—but I still wouldn’t be allowed to sleep over at their house. In this situation, I’m sure I would have developed a solid relationship with my cat, but I’m also sure I would have fallen behind socially. The problem is that society groups opposite genders. They group sexuality too, but for the most part it’s all based on whether you have a penis or a vagina.
By not allowing your straight, bisexual, lesbian or whatever daughter to interact with other straight, bisexual, lesbian or whatever females is sending the wrong message. It is you telling the world that straight females can not engage in socially normal female activities (such as sleepovers & undressing in front of each other) with females of another sexuality. When your straight daughter enters the real world (i.e. the world that is not under your thumb) she will be put in MANY situations where she will be undressing (either knowingly or unknowingly) in front of a lesbian. Let her be the one to make the choice of whether she is comfortable with that or not—if anything help her be comfortable and give her the tools necessary to navigate through the complex situations that will arise when she is on her own!
It’s a must to take into account the important details—i.e. is female A attracted to female B, if so, is female B attracted to female A? One sided attraction often equates to friendship and nothing more.
Females, regardless of sexuality have a lot in common. To take your daughter out of that commonality, and to make her uncommon so-to-speak is putting her on a pedestal (a pedestal that invites ostracism from piers).
I think this issue has gotten wrapped up around illogical sexual fears. If you go back to the source of why we originally separated opposite genders in the first place, especially at a young age—which is usually to prevent sexual conduct, it makes no sense to keep a straight female from having a normal FRIENDSHIP (most normal female friendships involve undressing in front of each other & sleep overs) with a gay female. Frankly, I think this type of reaction sends a message that we should be keeping lesbians out of the female friendship equation. But society doesn’t work that way. This societal induced fear of sexuality is just putting lesbians back under the thumbs of scared heterosexuals.
By Charlene from Citrus Heights, CA on 05/03/2010
Look back at the March 10, 2010 column where the consensus was that it is common and normal for even straight girls to feel arosed when they see other girls nude. This was a great relief to me because I thought that there was something wrong with me and that I might be gay since I have these feelings. If girls who are gay should be banned from sleepovers because they may have these feelings, then so should straight girls and then nobody will have sleepovers and maybe even sisters shouldn’t share a room and undress in front of each other if you want to carry it to the extreme. Teenage girls see other girls nude in many situations such as sharing a room with their sisters like I do and many girls do, sleepovers and slumber parties, changing and showering in the girls locker room, etc. In my experience it has never created a problem even though according to the earlier column many girls, whether gay or straight have these feelings. Therefore, I agree with Christie’s comment that it is much ado about nothing!
By No One on 10/12/2010
“Young women (straight or gay) do not show the same predatory behavior as young men.”
I see.
Men are more inclined to rape, yes? This is what you’re saying. Are black men also more inclined to kill?
We live in dark days.