DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: A boy I like asked if I wanted to be “friends with benefits” instead of boyfriend and girlfriend. We’re both 18, seniors in high school, and I use birth control and condoms. What I’m wondering is, is he just too lazy to have a girlfriend, or does he plan on having friends-with-benefits relationships with other girls, too? He says he’s not the type to do that—but he totally is! I know these relationships usually lead to heartbreak, but I really like this guy and want so badly to believe him. What should I do?—Roseville, Calif.
Editor’s Web Note: “Friends with benefits” is the new term for what used to be called a “relationship of convenience.” Though these “friendly” and “convenient” relationships have occurred throughout history, never have they been more mainstream or more lacking in shame. Nonetheless, today’s girls are no better at separating love from sex than their female predecessors. These relationships continue to involve heartache in the girls and lack of attachment in the boys. Love is, apparently, still what people are looking for. —Lauren
Comments
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It sounds to me like you want different things. He is unwilling to commit, and since it is clear that your feelings are really tied up in this…it could be very messy. Set up some boundaries, stand up for yourself! Let him know that you want more and deserve better. If he does not feel the same way then it is not worth it for either of you. This kind of relationship is not okay if it is not mutual and consensual. You should be able to trust the person you are with, and if that means exclusivity then it is important to make that clear no matter how much you like him. We have to draw the line somewhere. If you are having a very hard time with these boundaries, try giving yourself some time and space away from him.
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Get out now! He is not worth your time.
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“friends with benefits” is just another way of saying “sex without caring”. Please hold yourself in higher esteem than that. Don’t let a boy’s sexual desires outweigh respect for yourself.
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As one who has been there, I can just about guarantee you that he is going to want lots of “benefits” (i.e. sex) and very little friendship. I thought that I was in love with this guy. When he said that he wanted to be “friends with benefits” I thought that I could get the friendship to evolve into something more. To impress him, I very stupidly had my brother take some nude photos of me and gave them to him. We never even had a friendship. All he was ever interested in was sex, so I broke it off with him and asked for the pictures back. He just laughed at me and said that “a gift is a gift.” He said that he’d keep them to himself, but won’t give them back. However, I’m scared to death that he’ll show them to other guys and I would die if he did. He’s really tight with his brother and the way his brother looks at me and smirks when he sees me at school, I’m almost sure he’s seen them. This may have worked with Jerry and Elaine on Seinfeld, but I don’t think “friends with benefits” can ever work in reality.
S.J.
(Please only print my initials for obvious reasons) -
Hey, S.J, You have your BROTHER take nude pictures of you, give them to a GUY, and now you complain and appear to want people to feel sorry for you?! Give me a break. What did you expect? You asked for it and you got it, and I don’t feel the least bit sorry for you.
Jennifer
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Coming from a man’s perspective, I have to say that he is NOT too lazy to have a girlfriend, but he wants to have other friends with benefits as well, not just you. I believe he wants to have you as a rebound girl, so if another friend stops fooling around with him, he will return to you since you are still here. An intimate relationship will only be good as long as both of you know it is exclusive, so don’t get with him, unless he TRULY wants only you.
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The #1 point that wasn’t made in the paper FwB only works when both partners have the same lack of commitment to a “relationship”. For that reason it should be left until both partners have more life experience and both understand their union is solely for companionship. And girls, remember! What was true for my parents in the 50s and me in the 80s is true today. Only lose your virginity in a strongly commited relationship in High School or be prepared for the wrath of “children”.
