DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: I am stepfather to three teenagers. I have attended several high school commencements and have noticed a pattern of students thanking their moms but never their dads. Many students thank their “family” but I have never once heard a dad singled out — yet many mothers are. Are dads really that absent in children’s lives, or simply unsung heroes? What could those dads who provide and are present in child-rearing do to make their role more visible? It seems they aren’t making much of an impression. — Bellevue, Wash.
Editor’s Web Note: As of 2003, there were 10 million single-mother families and 2 million single-father families in this country. As educated young women grow more and more dedicated to achievements and careers, many are opting for casual hookups rather than serious romantic relationships so as not to derail their progress. To this end, more women than ever are choosing to have children on their own. In 2004, half the births to women ages 20-25 and 30 percent of births to women 25-29 were to unmarried women. While most of these women were probably in some kind of relationship, we don’t know its strength. With the heartbreaking effects of fatherlessness on children (and its huge cost to society) (see the stats in today’s column), I wish more young adults (including teens) were encouraged to succumb to that old-fashioned notion of “falling in love,” something parents have been discouraging for an entire generation. Learning through love (not just sex), is what teaches a person how to make a long-term relationship work. Then when children are born, the relationship will at least have a fighting chance of not being discarded at the first inconvenience or impediment to personal growth. Sex-ed classes and parents need to move beyond the “safety of co-mingled body parts” when we teach teens about sex, and include the importance of love, commitment, and sacred intimacy. Our kids’ kids are depending on it. —Lauren
Comments
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My parents have been divorced since I was 4, and I’ve always lived with my mom. My dad is a successful workaholic attorney who provides excellent financial support and has promised to pay for me to go to college “anywhere I want to go.” Because of this he thinks he’s a great dad, but I don’t feel that way. He has never had any real involvement in my life. He’s always been “too busy” to attend my school functions and soccer and volleyball games. My mom never misses them. I go to his house for “visitations” every other weekend, but I hardly see him. On Saturdays he’s usually at his office preparing for his next trial and plays golf on Sunday because he needs that to unwind. My stepsister who is close to my age is expected to entertain me. She resents it since I’m supposed to be there visiting my dad and also resents having to share her room with me, so it makes for a very unpleasant situation. However, I can’t really blame my stepsister as I would probably feel the same way if I were in her position. About once a month he’ll take me out to lunch or dinner, just the 2 of us. He acts really proud about it and says we’re spending “quality time” together. In my experience “quality time” is just an excuse for spending very little time with one’s child and then giving it a fancy label. There’s much more to being a dad than providing money, but he doesn’t see it that way, and I don’t see it ever changing.
Sad Daughter
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Our mom died of cancer when I was only 10 and my sister was only 8 and our dad has had to fill the role of both mom and dad ever since. While we still miss our mom very, very much, our dad could not have done a better job as a parent under the circumstances. He’s so devoted to us that he’s never had time to have a relationship with another woman. He never misses our school events or sporting events despite the fact that he is very busy running his small business. Despite the hard economic times that have hurt his business just like most businesses, he sacrifices to provide us with everything we need. He trusts us and respects our privacy as teenage girls and never snoops in our room or comes in without knocking and making sure we’re “decent.” Despite the loss of our mom, I still think we are very lucky to have such a dad as it looks like many kids are not nearly so lucky. He is the first one I will thank at my graduation.
Meg
