DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: I’m a girl and when I see other girls with attractive bodies nude, I sometimes feel a physical attraction. This includes my stepsister with whom I sometimes share a room. She undresses in front of me and has no idea I get these feelings. I like boys and have dated, but I don’t have a steady boyfriend. I have never acted on these feelings toward girls and doubt I ever would, but they scare me and I can’t make them go away. Does feeling physically attracted to someone of the same sex necessarily mean you are gay or bisexual? — Worried in Anaheim, Calif.
Editor’s Web Note: If there is ever a topic that I get boatloads of mail about, it is this. The mail is mostly from girls. If there is ever an topic that I think our culture has it’s head in the sand on, it is in being able to talk frankly about sexual orientation without politicizing (and thus shutting down) the conversation. Whereas most gay people report the feeling being inborn, the current wave of female bisexuality appears, as well as I can currently understand it, to be driven by social influences — the obvious one being the overnight sensation of pornography-gone-mainstream. Which leads to another topic nobody can talk about without flat-out name-calling. (Prude! Slut! Addict!) But if we can’t have earnest, non-judgmental, truth-seeking discourse about the biggest sexual revolution since the 1960s — and how Big Porn appears to be running the show — that’s just plain dumb. I am the first to admit that I have a lot to learn, so please let me hear from you. — Lauren Forcella
Comments
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Dear Worried:
Thank you so much for writing this letter! Along with the Panel’s responses and Lauren’s response that she gets “boatloads” of mail from others with these feelings, it gives me a HUGE sense of relief. I thought that I was just about the only one who had feelings like this and felt that I was really weird and abnormal and was scared to death that I might be gay, and there was no one I could talk to about it. I feel much better to hear that this is not so abnormal. Ever since I reached puberty, I have had sexual feelings when I saw other girls nude like in the showers in the girls’ locker room and when having sleepovers and slumber parties. I share a room with my younger sister. Like I assume it is (and should be) with most sisters who share a room, we aren’t the least bit shy about undressing in front of each other and being nude in front of each other. When she started puberty last year, I began having these kind of feelings when I see her nude. It made me feel terribly guilty since she totally trusts me and looks up to me as her “big sister.” I love my sister and am certain that I would never act on such feelings with her, but it still made me feel terribly guilty to even have these feelings. I still wish that I could somehow get rid of these feelings, but I feel much, much better knowing that it is not so abnormal to have them. Thank you again.
Not So Worried Anymore
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It’s not just girls who have these feelings. I’m a guy and I sometimes get these feelings about other guys. I really don’t think I’m gay, because I’m much more attracted to girls. However, this sometimes causes me to get a boner (erection) in the communal showers in the locker room after gym class. Since there is no privacy it’s impossible to hide my boner and guys who have noticed it assume I’m gay. You’re lucky that as a girl you can at least keep these feelings to yourself as there isn’t the physical manifistation that happens to guys. It’s impossible to control as trying not to have it happen seems to make it worse.
L.C.
(please just use my initials) -
It really surprises me to hear that it is common and normal for a straight girl to be physically attracted to other girls’ nude bodies. I have always felt totally the opposite and find seeing other girls nude a big turn off. I do my best not to look when other girls are nude in my presence, and it has always been my impression that most girls have no interest in each other’s bodies. It doesn’t bother me for other girls to see me nude since we’re all the same, but I don’t like seeing them. However, it would bother me if I thought it gave them sexual feelings. I’m comfortable seeing my sister since we’ve been sharing a room and undressing in front of each other our whole lives, but other than that it’s just about the last thing I want to look at.
Nancy
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I read you column for March 14. All the comments seemed to reassure “Worried in Anaheim” that she was not gay, even tho she had feelings about naked girls. NO ONE said, hey, what if you are? That is OK too! She needs to know that if sometime in the future she does decide to act on her feelings, and hook up with a girl, that’s just fine, and she might STILL be attracted to boys.
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I would like to echo what Molly said at the end. It was the closest to how I feel. I was honestly a bit distressed by how many responses called this a “phase,” because I believe that can force someone who is struggling with their sexual feelings to go further into the closet (something common amongst my college friends). I also hesitate to label anyone as gay because of their actions…we may have experiences outside of our general sexual identification, but they do not define us. I think what you said about porn is true, but I think it also is this changing discourse and consciousness about alternative sexualities that is becoming more mainstream!
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I too, become physically attracted to “good looking” females. In high school, my close friend (who was also a girl) and I simply thought it was amazing how much attention we could get just by making out with each other. It never bothered me because I wasn’t attracted in a sense that I felt the urge to do anything else sexual with her.
I have been in a steady relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 7 years and on one occasion we attended a party where he jokingly said I should make out with another female. To everyone’s surprise, I did it. I don’t mean to offend anyone straight, bi,or gay/lesbian with my acts being “just for fun”, but to me, it’s not a big deal. I think we are physically attracted to things that we have no control over, i.e., racial background, age, hair color. These are things we do not choose to like, we just do. I’d rather go to a female strip club over a men’s and that doesn’t make me gay, it makes me comfortable with my sexuality. To me, liking the curves of a woman’s body is no different than complimenting her hair or a guy’s eyes.
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Thank you all for your comments.am a woman i have been like having feelings for this woman.i cant explain it.sometimes i think about her very much.we are both mature girls . I feel guilty to feel this way about her, and i want this feelings to go away.She works where i work. i do all i can to ensure we dont meet.i hate this.i have a boyfriend and i love him, but i cant really know what i feel for this girl.she’s very beautiful.i think about her and it worries me so much.She knows i have feelings for her.she acts like she has feelings for me.when she sees me she does things that make me notice her.i would never act on this feelings but the feelings are not going away .sometimes i cry because i feel like am falling for her but i know its wrong.the harder i try the more i realise in my sub conscience that i have feelings for her.What should i do.i have not seen her for the past two days and i feel like i miss her yet i know this love or feelings cannot be.i understand that.so what do i do to get over her and this feelings? Help
