DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: I have been separated/divorced for 15 months. About nine months ago, following a rebound relationship, I met someone I’m serious about. I’m as surprised as anyone at how fast it happened. Because this woman is a big part of my life, I would like to introduce her to my son and daughter who are in college. Trouble is, my kids are still upset about the breakup even though it was mutual and there were no other love interests. I believe they feel protective of their mother, who is taking the divorce harder than I am. However, if I wait much longer I’m worried they will be upset that I’ve kept secrets. What do the panelists think is the appropriate time to know about a divorced parents’ significant other? It’s not like she is 20 years younger. She is my age and respectable. I want to make things best for everyone. — Monterey, Calif.
Editor’s Note: While I think many parents could work harder to save a marriage, sometimes divorce is the only solution. In working with at-risk kids, the thing that 95 percent of them had in common was what I call a “missing” parent. A parent can be missing in a variety of ways. It can result from physical absence due to adoption, death, a distant move, or prison time — or simply not being in touch with their child even though nothing prevents it. Other parents are emotionally missing due to illness, mental disorders or addictions. While a parent can be missing within a marriage, divorce often exacerbates the condition as parents become consumed by their own emotional upheaval and reinvention. Children don’t need to know everything about a parent’s life; some things are best left unshared. And younger children should be sheltered whenever possible from topics beyond their scope. But teenagers and emerging adult children should be kept in the loop of important issues and events in their parents’ lives, including work, finances, health problems, and significant relationships. Finally, no child is ever too old to be told, “Nothing about this divorce is, or has ever been, your fault.” —Lauren
Comments
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Based upon my experience I would say go ahead and tell them right away, but also take things slowly. My sister and I found out about our dad’s new romantic interest when we went to his apartment for a weekend visitation and were shocked to find that “Marla” (not her real name) was also spending the weekend and learned that they had been a couple for several months. Marla is also much younger than our mom and dad and is about as close to our age as to our dad’s age which was another shock. We were very uncomfortable sleeping right in the next room knowing what our dad was probably doing with someone who was still a stranger to us. Marla also took things way to fast with us. The extra bedroom where we stay doesn’t have a lock and she thought nothing of walking in on us when we were undressed without even knocking as well as parading around the apartment in the nude herself. When we tried to tactfully tell her that these things made us very uncomfortable she didn’t understand since “we’re all girls” and “we’re now family.” We aren’t prudes and are pretty casual about nudity when we’re at our mom’s since it’s now an all female household, but don’t think it’s unreasonable to not be comfortable in this way with someone we just met even if as she says “we’re all girls.” Therefore, my advice is to go ahead and tell your kids but take things gradually.
Macy
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I agree that kids should be told the sooner the better. There’s no way this is going to stay a secret for very long, so why delay it? I also totally agree with Macy that the relationship between the new significant other and the kids needs to be taken slowly. My dad’s new girlfriend came on way too strong and tried to be like my best friend from day one and I wasn’t ready for this so soon after our parents broke up. She planned joint activities for us every weekend I was there without even asking me and when I would have preferred to do other things. My dad told her that I loved going to San Francisco, so she planned an “all girls weekend” for just the two of us without even asking me, but I didn’t think I could refuse. I was really shocked when we got to the hotel room and found that she had booked a room with just one double bed. She said that since the hotel was expensive she decided to save a little money this way and didn’t see a problem with “us girls” sharing a bed. She slept in just her thong and was very casual about nudity in the room which also made me very uncomfortable. She also used the “we’re both girls” line. I’m not saying that she’s gay or tried to do anything sexual, but it still made me very uncomfortable when I still felt like a barely knew her. So, I agree with Macy that you should tell the kids right away, but give them time to get to know your new significant other rather than coming on too strong right away. I was still getting adjusted to my parent’s break up and I didn’t need this so soon.
Misty
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Our mom found a new romantic interest about 6 months after she and our dad broke up. I want her to be happy, so I had no problem with this. However, he started spending the night almost every weekend almost immediately and I don’t think that was appropriate. I mean, her bedroom is right next to the room that my little sister and I share. I’m 15 so I’m old enough to understand what’s going on, but my sister’s only 8. The walls are thin and we could sometimes hear things we shouldn’t be hearing when they were “doing it” if you know what I mean and my sister would ask me questions about what she was hearing and I didn’t know what to say so I would say ambiguous things like “their playing a game” or “their just acting silly,” but my sister knew there was more to it. After our dad left I got used to being casual around the house since it was all females and didn’t worry about putting on a robe when I went to take a shower. The second weekend he was here I was half asleep and forgot he was here and he saw me naked when I was walking down the hall to the bathroom. I was very, very embarrassed to say the least. I realize that this wasn’t his fault and was actually my fault, but I really don’t think we should have been in this situation with him sleeping over so soon and then it wouldn’t have happened. So I agree with the others that it’s OK to have a new relationship and for your kids to know about it, but if your going to get intimate right away be discrete about it and don’t do it right under their noses. That’s my opinion based upon my experience.
Marie
