DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: My stepdaughter is 17, intelligent, popular and attractive. She attended prom last month with a lot of friends, which is how she always goes out. I’m not aware that she’s ever been on a “date.” I am looking for the day when a young man comes to the door to meet me and ask her out formally. I talked to another dad and he has the same complaint. Is there something wrong with our daughters? Where are the young men courting them? Can you please explain the “scene” to an old fogie? —Sacramento Dad
Editor’s Note: It is biological fact that humans are sexual creatures by hard-wiring. So when parents tell humans at the beginning of their sexual blossoming to delay love, most are going to try to please those parents. It appears we can override the “love” switch. (After all, romantic love is a newer notion in human history.) But since sexuality is hard-wired, history has shown there is little chance of overriding that impulse (it can be repressed, but not overridden). So what we’re seeing today, is a whole lotta sex and not much love. For many twenty-somethings, love is almost considered a joke.
Conditioning starts at home. I urge parents to condition their kids from a young age (or starting now) to both achieve AND fall in love. The alternative is hooking up or being sexual via pornography. I vote for a real relationship any day of the week over those two things. Even if these relationships don’t work out, the person learns about love and commitment at a time when there may be an important “window” for learning about such things. Qualifier: I do believe making babies is best delayed until the adult brain kicks in (around age 25) — but not love. —Lauren
Comments
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Your stepdaughter sounds completely normal to me. It is common these days for friends to go out in groups rather than formal dating. At my prom last month, less than half the kids came with dates. My 2 best girlfriends and I went together and danced all night with different guys who came without dates. It’s actually more fun since when you come with a date you’re pretty well obligated to spend most of your time with your date. Our dad was also concerned that my sister and I weren’t formally dating the way kids did in his time. Since we have frequent sleepovers in our room with our girlfriends, we got the impression that he was worried that we might be gay! LOL! When he overheard us telling our mom that we had used the hot tub at a friend’s house with other girls in the nude, we could tell that he was very concerned. However, it wasn’t a sexual thing in any way, but instead was a fun bonding experience and all of us had seen each other nude in various situations, anyway. This doesn’t mean we aren’t interested in boys. However, these days it is common for girls to have more boy friends than boyfriends if you get the difference. I really don’t think you have anything to worry about and neither does our dad.
Maggie
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I totally agree with Maggie. It’s basically the same way with my sister and me and most of our friends. I’ve only had a few official “dates” and my sister has never had one, but we do lots of things with guy friends as well as going to dances without an official date, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t dance as much or more than the girls who come with dates. It took a little getting used to by our parents since it’s different than in their day, but now they understand and our totally cool with it. The only one who gives us flak about it is our stepsister who we have to share our room with when she stays with us. She has a steady boyfriend and thinks that this makes her superior to us. However, unlike us he’s the only guy friend she has and says she can’t have any others because he’s too jealous. But she somehow thinks this makes her “better” than us. I’m somewhat overweight but I’m comfortable with my body, but she likes to find ways to put me down about it. Recently, she had the nerve to say, “You might actually be able to get a boyfriend if you lost some weight.” And this was when I was naked after taking a shower! But I just ignored it and let it go. I really think my sister and I are better off than she is. We can have all the guy friends we want without being “owned” by a guy as she appears to be.
Gina
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Thanks so much for the insights and clarification! Does anyone know where this is headed, though? What will young people who grow up hooking up casually do in their 20’s & 30’s? Previous generations typically coupled and committed (even married) during these years. What do your panelists hope/expect their relationships will look like after HS/College?
I also wonder about the effects of these profound changes in the way young people relate on our demographics, social institutions, culture, economies, etc. I haven’t read much about this anywhere…
