DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: Please help me stop wanting to do evil things to my stepsister. I’m 15 and she’s 10. Because of her, I had to find a new home for my cat who I love dearly and had for eight years. Even though my stepsister only stays with us every other weekend, she is extremely allergic to cats and being in a house where there is a cat makes her break out, cough, wheeze and have trouble breathing. I found a friend who could take my cat and I can still visit her, but it’s not the same. I realize it’s not my stepsister’s fault, but I can’t help hating her. I have to share my double bed with her when she’s here and I can’t get rid of thoughts of wanting to do something evil to her when we’re alone in my room. Sometimes when she’s here, I have nightmares that I’ve done something to her and wake up scared that I have. She’s actually very sweet and has told me over and over how sorry she is, but I still can’t help hating her and wanting revenge. Please help. — Anonymous
Editor’s Note: This is a great example of how we can be split between our “mature self” and our “little girl” or “little boy.” In this situation, the mature part of “Anonymous” recognizes fully that the stepsister isn’t at fault. However, her “little girl” is filled with rage over the injustice. Generally in these split situations (which are quite common) the solution involves tending to and caring for the hurt “inner child.” When the inner child gets recognized and has his or her feelings “felt,” things usually calm down. But so often we are asked to be mature (and indeed, we want to be mature), so we and others pooh-pa the inner child with “it’s nothing, get over it” statements. Well, it isn’t nothing, and when we pooh-pa the situation, the “inner child” often becomes an “inner tyrant” who wracks our psyche until we acknowledge her feelings. Acknowledgment can be as simple as speaking to the inner child with deep compassion: “Of course you’re angry — and sad, too. Look what you lost.” Spoken to like this, there is often a good cry and a moving forward. It is also common that a deeper wound exists that hasn’t been fully processed, so the newer wound becomes a stand-in for demanding that healing take place. —Lauren
Comments
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Sad as it is, at least in your case there is a valid reason you had to find a new home for your cat and I think you realize that there was no choice and it’s not her fault. My case is different. My sister and I have a cat that sleeps in our room. When our stepsister stays with us and shares our room, we have to keep it outside. Do you know why? Because it’s a male (and neutered male at that!), and she isn’t comfortable sleeping in the same room with and undressing in front of a “male.” How stupid! A cat doesn’t know what it’s seeing. And it’s not like she’s overly modest. She isn’t the least bit shy about undressing in front of us and being naked in front of us and is actually very casual about it. However, when I pointed this out she said it’s different since “we’re all girls and all the same,” and that she wouldn’t have a problem with a female cat. Our mom says that we have to go along with this stupidity to avoid problems and keep the peace. I have to admit that sometimes I want to slap her for being so stupid, but I restrain myself because I know it would just make things worse, but I can’t help fantasizing it.
S.T.
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I think having these feelings and acting on them are 2 totally different things. I think just about everyone sometimes has feelings of violence when they’re really angry but most (but not all) people are able to refrain from acting on them. I’m 16 and have an 11 year old stepsister who I also have to share my room with on visitations, and she drives me absolutely nuts! I know it’s not her fault and feel guilty about some of the feelings I have toward her. She’s totally obsessed with me and doesn’t give me a minute’s peace the whole weekend when she’s here. She’s also totally obsessed with my body since her body hasn’t started to mature yet and doesn’t understand why I have things like breasts and public hair when she doesn’t even though were both girls, and she stares at my body when I’m nude in the bedroom. I’m not modest about other girls seeing me nude and don’t have a problem with her seeing me, but I don’t appreciate being stared at even by another girl. I’ve explained to her over and over that breasts and pubic hair are things girls get when they’re older and it will be happening to her, but she keeps asking me the same dumb questions over and over, and this is just one example. I sometimes have violent feelings toward her, but I know in my heart that I would never act on them. You can’t help how you feel, but you can help how you act and having these feelings is nothing to feel guilty about as long as you don’t act on them.
S.C.
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Dear Anonymous……you are an exceptional 15 year old with a sense of honor beyond your years. When my first wife divorced me I was left with working two full time jobs for the privilege of seeing my two children every other weekend. Sometimes circumstances beyond your control force you to make choices that you don’t want to make…..and yet must in order to preserve your connection with those you love and for the common good. You chose to not blame your stepsister…..you chose to find a good home for your beloved cat…..and yet you are left with a bad taste in your mouth because you fail to see what you have gained, if anything, from the choices you have made.
I don’t know which of your parents is the biological parent of your stepsister, but I can tell you that she is in the same position with respect to her beloved parent that you are to your cat. She must make do with the situation as it is as best she can, just as you have. She hss only every other weekend to see and interact directly with the one she has lost through no fault of her own……and it is THIS that the two of you should be sharing as the basis of your understanding of each other’s situation. You know this to be true, else you would not be showing the wisdom beyond your years that you are.
You can still see your cat. You can still buy him/her toys and hug and love him/her whenever you have the opportunity. Your cat is still in this world and available to you. What is more important is for you to understand what you have gained from the choices you have made, even though it is hard for your to see. You have learned that love is not limited by proximity or availability. Some day someone very dear to you will be gone and you will find that your love for them is still alive though they are not. You will remember back to this time when you had to make your peace with a situation not of your doing and still chose from the standpoint of love…..for the greater good of all concerned. Sometimes life seems to take something away from you when actually you are being given a gift…..but not one that you can hold in your hand and touch…….the holding and touching happens in your heart.
I repeat that I was personally touched and impressed by your strength of character and the wisdom of the choices you’ve made. Talk to your stepsister about loss and gain when things happen to good people through no fault of their own and how the choices they make are a measure of their character. You should be proud of yourself and I salute you…….Karl van Bronkorst
