DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: My boyfriend got drunk on Fourth of July and, still, I let him drive me home. Nobody could give me a ride and the alternative was calling my parents. They would have come and gotten me, but then they wouldn’t have let me see my boyfriend anymore. I know this for a fact, because it happened to my sister. Now she stays home alone in our room on weekends, depressed and watching videos while I’m out having a good time. She says if she could do it over, she would have let her boyfriend drive her home. She feels she’s being punished for doing what our parents always told us to do. Yes, losing a boyfriend is better than being killed, but if it happens again I’m torn between taking another calculated risk or ending up like my sister, sad and depressed. You probably have no choice but advise against the risk, but I would still appreciate your comments. — Monterey, Calif.
Editor’s Web Note: Many parents insist they can be called. But parents, will your teen actually call you? In a 2007 Center for Disease Control survey, in that past month, three out of ten teenagers rode in a car with a driver who had been drinking. Teens say they don’t want to be “judged.” But actually, they do want to be judged — they just want it to be judged fairly. In the case of “Monterey’s” sister, it sounds like the parents did what they believed was right by breaking up their daughter’s relationship. However, to the daughters, the action wasn’t fair. Neither will call her parents again in this situation. So, this time to parents: Please be more resourceful! Here’s an alternative response should your daughter call you for a ride instead of letting her drunk boyfriend drive her: Call the boy the next day and have him over for a talk. Treating him and your daughter respectfully (after all, he did not drive their daughter home and she did exactly what you wanted her to do), restrict their visits to your home for the next month in order to be “assured of his character” before letting your daughter out with him again. This is parental, yet fair. Now if the boy walks, it’s not your fault. And if you use the month as a teaching/bonding opportunity, you’ve built something instead of torn something down. —Lauren
Comments
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I agree that you should never ride with someone who is drunk and Monterey shouldn’t have let her boyfriend drive her home. However, it was wrong for her parents to put her in that position by punishing her sister in the same situation. My sister and I are in a similary situation. We are Mormons and drinking alcohol is strictly forbidden by our religion. Our parents have made it clear that we will be “grounded for life” if we’re ever caught drinking. My sister was at a party and didn’t even know it would involve alcohol. She got pressured into having a drink. She’d never had alcohol before and doesn’t really remember what happened but ended up very drunk. She had the car and was afraid to call our parents so she took the risk of driving herself home since it was just a short distance. Our parents were asleep. I was too, but we share a room and woke up when she came into our room stumbling around and bumping into everything. She was in such bad shape that I had to help her into the bathroom and on and off the toilet and practically undress her myself and put her in bed. She had a bad hangover the next day but pretended to have the flu. I didn’t think our parents would buy it, but they did. I didn’t tell our parents because I didn’t want to get her in trouble, but we agreed that we can’t let this happen again to either one of us. We now have an agreement that if this ever happens again to either one of us, we will call the other on her cell phone and find a way to her home safely, even if we have to lie to our parents. You may say that it’s wrong to lie to your parents, but it’s better than driving drunk or riding with someone who is drunk when your parents force you into that position.
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While I am a mother of a 10 year old and have not dealt with my child being in a situation of having to decide what to do in this situation, I do know what my husband and I do when one of us drinks socially. The other person drives home.
Tell your boyfriend that you don’t appreciate being put in the position of lying (by omission) to your parents and share with him the consequences of your parents finding out he is drinking and driving you home. Also share with him the consequences of driving while under the influence. Although, he will likely say “it won’t happen to me,” it is good you realize that it happens to some and that you are not immune to the chances.
Let him know that if it happens again, you will drive yourself home in his car, and he can drive himself home from there. He can choose to put himself in danger after you are home safe. If he cannot agree to this, then with the risk of sounding like a parent AND speaking from experience, maybe he doesn’t make a good boyfriend.
