DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: I’m a 17-year-old guy in a pretty serious relationship with my girlfriend. We’ve been together almost a year and are sexually active. The problem is, she is exactly like my mother. Even friends have noted the similarities. Both of them worry constantly, are overly helpful and very judgmental. They both try to control my life and prevent me from having certain friends, who I believe they misjudge. I’ve heard that men attract women like their mothers and girls attract men like their fathers. How true is this? And how can a person change this? I’m ready to break up with her, but I don’t want to make the same mistake again. — Running Scared, Woodland, Calif.
Editor’s Note: It has always been true for both men and women that who you marry or share a long-term committed relationship with, determines greatly the path and quality of your life. Valentine’s Day, when love, lack of love, or unsatisfying love is in your face whether you want it to be or not, is a good day to start examining all the things you find unpleasant about your parents and past partners and see how much itch and blame toward these people you carry around. The fastest way to form the life you want is to stop blaming everyone and everything else for your problems. Your past is a story that you have composed about yourself (I’m “this way” because “this” happened to me; I’m “that way” because “that” happened to me). We recite this story over and over and start thinking it’s true. Once you realize it’s an interpretation you’ve made up to explain life’s events and interactions to yourself, and to explain yourself to yourself (and give yourself excuses), you can close the old book and start taking full responsibility for who you attract and how you live and love. —Lauren
Comments
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In my case, I think I was subconsiously trying to find someone like my older sister. She is 7 years older and was in many ways more of a mom to me than my mom. My mom was a busy professional. I was born when she was nearly 40 during her short lived second marriage. While I don’t know for sure, I have the strong feeling that I was an unplanned “accident” and my mom resented me and always treated me more like I was a burden than a joy. However, my sister was always wonderful to me and seemed to enjoy “mothering” me. We shared a room and since I was her “baby brother” she wasn’t shy about nudity in front of me. While I know that she did not have bad intentions, it caused me to have incestuous feelings about her when I reached puberty, and I am ashamed to say that I had sexual fantasies about her when I masturbated which caused me guilt and shame.
With that as a background, what I want to say is that the girls I have been attracted to and have dated have all been very much like my sister both in looks and personality. I wasn’t even aware for a long time that I was actually looking for my sister, but I can see it looking back. I have always felt very uncomfortable when relationships started to get serious and now that I am aware, I really think it’s linked to the incestuous feelings I had about my sister. Even though I now am more aware, I still am primarily attracted to girls who remind me of my sister and don’t know how to break the cycle.
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Dear Alex,
It’s great that you are so awake about this. That is always “step one” in healing. You could break the cycle and complete the healing by forgiving yourself for having those feelings. (And your mother and sister for putting you in this situation in the first place.) Almost every other boy would have had the same feelings as you did, and most would have masturbated to them also. You never acted toward your sister on those feelings, so there is no reason to continue feel guilty about them. Everyone, at some point or another, has immoral thoughts, no one on this planet is exempt. It is popular thinking to say things like “we are our thoughts.” But if we were our thoughts, everyone here would be a murderer, adulterer, or rapist at some point or another (if even for a fleeting moment). Thoughts are just thoughts. Most of us don’t act on them, like you didn’t act on yours. It is our actions that determine us. Another secret: when you realize thoughts are just thoughts and that you will never act on them, it takes the energy off them and they tend to fade away. Pretty soon you don’t even have the thought anymore.
Since your sister took care of you and gave you the love you needed, it’s natural to look for someone who could be similarly beneficial. Lose the guilt over the thoughts you had as a teen and you will be are able to move forward into a satisfactory relationship.
I hope this helps. If you find that the guilt and blocks to relationships continue, a few sessions with a counselor will help clear things up.
Please let me know how things go.
With love,
Lauren -
Hi Lauren. First of all I would like to say I enjoy your column and the “Girl friend that was too much like my mother”. Was something that I could relate to. I decided to get married after graduating from college. Having never dated before I new that the woman that was meant for me was in all ways like my mother. After some time I finally found a woman that was in all ways like my mother. She looked like her, dressed like her, cooked like her, talked like her, she was perfect! I took her home to meet my parents. My mom loved her! My dad didn’t like at all.
