Straight Talk TNT

Boy could be suffering from “Facebook depression”

Apr 13, 2011

DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: Maybe I shouldn’t meddle, but my son is an awkward, shy teenager and my brother’s kids are popular. At a recent reunion, a lively conversation ensued about Facebook friends and I noticed my son looked painfully depressed. Later I joined Facebook and “friended” everyone involved. My nieces and nephew each have over a thousand friends. One has 1800! My son’s profile has 37. There is no sign of bullying on his profile, just emptiness. My heart goes out to him. Is Facebook the modern-day version of getting picked last on the team? How unusual is it to only have 37 friends? Should I talk about it with him? — Concerned in Santa Rosa

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Kathyrn 16, Huntington Beach, Calif. Ask me a question

I have 25 Facebook friends and I’m not ashamed of that number — I know who my actual friends are.

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Lennon 24, Fair Oaks, Calif. Ask me a question

Dude. You can’t actually know and be real friends with 1000 people. I have 311 “friends” and I don’t know some of them. If Facebook is leading to depression, delete your account and spend time with your real friends. Problem solved.

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Chuck 16, Toledo, Ohio Ask me a question

I used to think Facebook would be the future basis of all social activity. But for the last three weeks I’ve sacrificed Facebook for Lent. The main thing I’ve learned is this: We don’t NEED Facebook. Since I logged off, I’ve never felt tempted to turn back — and I used to spend over an hour a day there. I do not feel at all disconnected socially without it. Not having friends online isn’t the problem you should be monitoring. Your concern should be how often he enjoys himself with real friends.

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Molly 19, Berkeley, Calif. Ask me a question

Facebook doesn’t change how popular or unpopular someone is. It mostly reflects one’s social style. Your son is probably down because of his social life in general. Bring up the subject casually without pushing; things like this can be embarrassing.

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Gregg 20, Sacramento, Calif. Ask me a question

Everyone in college is obsessed with Facebook. It’s more addictive than World of Warcraft. Spending less time there is good!

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Matt 16, Villa Park, Calif. Ask me a question

There are many faces to Facebook. You can keep your network small or expand it like I have. I include best friends, occasional friends, school acquaintances, even people I’ve just met. Don’t make a big deal about this. Huge friend lists don’t necessarily indicate popularity and limited ones aren’t nerd indicators. Facebook can be addictive. Ninety-nine percent of my friends use it daily — some obsessively. It does make communication easy and could help some people overcome shyness. Ask him for help with your Facebook account. Or watch “The Social Network” together. Both could provide an opening to talk.

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Rachel 19, Los Angeles, Calif. Ask me a question

It can be hard seeing other profiles with more friends and posts. I’ve felt depressed about it before. Ask him how he feels. What’s important is having real friends to count on.

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Lauren Ask me a question

DEAR CONCERNED: Rachel’s response is painfully honest — and she is someone with lots of friends — real and Facebook. Flattering photos and sassy posts of seemingly endless good times comprise the typical Facebook page. This incredibly skewed image of life can make an insecure person feel even worse. But don’t be fooled. Kids with huge networks can be driven by insecurity, too, always needing more “friends.” The American Academy of Pediatrics set guidelines for “Facebook depression” in their April issue of “Pediatrics.” It’s a real thing. Whether your son is depressed or not is something you will have to determine. Definitely talk to him about it — along with cyberbullying and sexting. All parents with kids on Facebook should do the same. As every panelist pointed out, the important thing is having real friends in real life.

Picture of Lauren Forcella

Editor’s Note: “You need a village and one good friend.” I’m not sure who said that, but I personally have found it comforting on days when I don’t feel very “popular” (never having been much of a crowd person, but always having a ‘bestie’). I’ve also found the quote profound because I oddly cherish the members of my community even if I can’t always “relate.” We are creatures of the heart and just one true friend to share deeply with gives life shape and meaning. That won’t ever change. But the village has changed, and Facebook has become as real a village in the minds of young people as any their parents experienced (with many kids having no point of reference other than this village). But as much as Facebook seems real, it’s not. Each Facebook profile is like a miniature, individualized billboard. Just the best photos are shown, or the funniest or most emotive. Everyone appears to be doing endlessly cool things and having endlessly cool things to say. It’s important for parents to continually remind kids of that — and that all you really need is one good friend who knows you as you really are. —Lauren

Comments

  1. By Scot from Providence, Rhode Island on 04/13/2011

    I have way fewer Facebook friends than many people. But I don’t go looking for people to friend. If it pops up and is convenient I will add people. A lot of times it recommends people I know but I don’t bother to friend them because I don’t care about their status updates or really feel a need to share anything. I use it to keep in touch with people I don’t see often. It also works pretty well for spying.  It’s also a pretty non threatening way for people who don’t know you well to re break the ice. A girl I didn’t remember meeting sent a friend request and a note about showing up at a party. It seemed to make it easier for her to approach me once she got to the party. If the mom is really worried about her son she should just ask. I’ve found that I really prefer my family to just say what’s up even when it’s hard.

  2. By Hannah from Safford, Ariz on 04/13/2011

    When you befriend someone on facebook, you should make sure that you want them to be your friend. there is absolutely nothing wrong with having only a few friends. Those boys probably dont know many of their “friends” on facebook, they just befriend them for the status.  Your son is quite normal in only having 37 facebook friends. besides, its the real friends that count, not the virtual ones

  3. By Jan from Carmichael, CA on 04/13/2011

    The “counting game” is silly since the number of Facebook friends you have means nothing if their not real friends and it’s easy to have a huge number of supposed Facebook “friends.”  I only have 23 Facebook friends, but their real friends who I really know and really want to be in touch with. My stepsister, on the other hand, brags about having over 1,000 Facebook friends, but she doesn’t really even know and never will really know most of them.  By putting her name on numerous Internet lists and billboards she gets random requests to be Facebook friends all the time and accepts all of them.  She puts me down for having so few friends, but I have at least as many if not more real Facebook friends.  I mean how can you possibly have over 1,000 real friends?  No way!

    This is also a good way to attract Internet predators.  She got a request from one of her “friends” to send him a nude picture of her and she was so flattered at first that she was actually going to do it!  She asked me to take the picture since in sharing a room during visitations she’s become comfortable with me seeing her nude.  I refused and got her to see reality and realize the dangers of sending something like this to somebody she doesn’t even know and that when you put something like this into cyberspace there’s no limit to where it can go and no taking it back.  She finally saw how foolish this was and thanked me for talking her out of it. 

    I believe that Facebook should be for sharing with your real friends, not playing a numbers game to have something to brag about.

    Jan

  4. By Tara from Santa Ana, CA on 04/16/2011

    Jan is 100% right about sending nude photos to someone you only know as a Facebook “friend.”  My sister did it and now is very, very sorry.  She tried to talk me into taking the pictures since doing it in private in our room was the easiest way and since we share a room we see each other nude every day anyway.  I refused, so she got a friend to do it.  It turned out that the Facebook friend was a guy from school using a different name who had wanted to go out with her but she had rejected him because she thought he was a creep and it turned out she was right.  He sent the photo to just about every guy in the school who is on Facebook and she’s never going to live it down!  She gets several crude comments every day.  Our parents found out and have “grounded her for life.”  I’m very, very, glad that I refused to be a part of this, so at least I cannot be blamed.  But it’s a drag sharing a room with her because she’s in a very depressed state as you can imagine.  She can hardly sleep and her tossing and turning also keeps me awake since we share a double bed, which is another good argument against bed sharing in addition to the ones that have been written about in Straight Talk. The lesson is to be very, very, careful of suppposed Facebook “friends.”

    Tara

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