Straight Talk TNT

Best friend has two moms

Feb 24, 2010

DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: My best friend, Karen, has two moms instead of a mom and a dad. Because of this, my mom won’t let me spend the night at her house. My mom doesn’t have a problem with me there in the daytime, but she is “not comfortable” with me spending the night in “such a household.” Karen’s moms are very nice people. One is a lawyer and the other is a college professor. They have been together 20 years (much longer than my parent’s marriage lasted) and got married last year when it was legal in California. My mom admits she’s not worried they would try something sexual with me. So what is she worried about? And how can I convince her not to? — Candace

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Hannah 16, Safford, Ariz. Ask me a question

My grandfather is gay and married to another man. He’s one of the best examples of a good person to know and his lifestyle does not concern me a bit. But I told one of my close friends about it and since then I’ve had a hard time making friends at all. I love my grandfather and if people don’t appreciate him, that’s their problem. Both moms sound like respectable people with a great relationship.

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Akasha 16, Sacramento, Calif. Ask me a question

I had a friend with two mothers and they were sweet, normal people. I didn’t feel unsafe or uncomfortable at all. Parents never worry about the mother or father of a straight couple hitting on their kid. Your mother needs to realize these women are grown adults. There is nothing to suggest they would do anything inappropriate.

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Ashley 23, Auburn, Calif. Ask me a question

How would your mother feel if Karen wasn’t allowed to spend the night because she was divorced? Has your mom even met your friend’s moms? It’s time she knew that these women are humans.

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Maureen 18, Redding, Calif. Ask me a question

It should absolutely not be a problem. They have been “married” for years. It is not like they are being promiscuous. You are in a perfectly safe home environment. Keep talking to your mom and include Karen’s moms in the discussion.

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Katelyn 15, Huntington Beach, Calif. Ask me a question

Your mom’s rule relates to her beliefs. Like myself, she doesn’t approve of same-sex couples and is worried that by spending too much time with them, you’ll think it is okay.

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Lauren Ask me a question

DEAR CANDACE: Katelyn has the best explanation for your mother’s rule. Nonetheless, your mother is handling her fears counterproductively. As more and more people live openly gay or bisexual lives, and others switch back and forth from being straight, people are confused. Is this all genetic or is there a social conditioning aspect? You can’t find more polarization or phobia on an issue. My mailbox is filled with letters like yours. Ultimately, however, phobic and polarized reactions usually stimulate behavior rather than diffusing it. (Notice what it’s done to you.)

Not that complacency is the answer either. There is a middle way. The middle way requires compassion and perspective that any of us could be gay: You could be gay. I could be gay. And being gay (or bisexual) doesn’t make someone “bad.” We always need to remember we are human beings first and foremost.

My advice to parents like yours: Learn to talk about sexuality frankly. Let your teens know they are loved regardless of sexuality. Find situations in life or movies where sexual expression appears genetic and where it appears conditioned. Ask questions. Be curious and dumb for a change — on this subject we all are. Share what sexual integrity means to you personally, even admit your biases, but refrain from judging others.

Candace, you sound straight. Start a conversation with: “Mom, I know I’m straight. Do you know how I know?” Then tell her what you know about yourself and why.

Picture of Lauren Forcella

Editor’s Web Note: The biggest sexual revolution since the sixties is taking place right now. We went from the generation of free love to the generation of pan-sexuality. Not that most young people are taking part, but there is enough happening that many parents are paranoid of social factors that could lead their child to “fly to the other tree.” After the panelists express their views (most being incredulous that there is even a fuss about this), I offer a “middle way” for parents to address this topic productively. — Lauren

Comments

  1. By Lennon, 23, Panelist from Fair Oaks, Calif. on 02/24/2010

    No, it shouldn’t be a problem. Your parents are insecure.

  2. By Anjanette, 16, panelist from Safford, Ariz.: on 02/24/2010

    Your mom should not have a problem with letting you stay the night at her friends house if she says she’s not worried. Keep giving her an understanding of how you feel about it.

  3. By Brie, 18, Panelist from Ashland, Ore. on 02/24/2010

    Your mom is being unreasonable. A possible solution may be to have your mom talk with your friend’s moms so that she could feel more comfortable.

  4. By Gabriel, 18, Panelist from Ashland, Ore. on 02/24/2010

    Since your mom says she’s not worried about you getting sexually pressured, it is hard to understand what the worry is. Either the mothers need to meet or you need to continue a serious discussion to get your mother to see it your way.

  5. By Graham, 15, Panelist from Fair Oaks, Calif. on 02/24/2010

    If there is some way you could get your mom and her parents more acquainted your mom might realize that your friend’s parents are nothing to worry about.

  6. By Elise, 18, Panelist from Fair Oaks, Calif. on 02/24/2010

    In my experience, your mom will probably not change her mind on a subject like this.

  7. By Sally from Irvine, CA on 02/26/2010

    I have similar problem.  My mom won’t let me spend the night at one of my best friend’s house because she found out that my friend’s older sister is gay and they share a room.  She says that if I stay in the same room, I’ll obviously undress in front of her and she will get “aroused” and “anything could happen.”  This is ridiculous.  I’d been having sleepovers in their room for over a year before my mom found out about this. We’re still both girls with the same body parts, so I had no problem undressing in front of her sister and her seeing me naked, any more than I would with any other girl. I never had the feeling that she had any sexual interest whatsoever in seeing my body and was totally comfortable. Telling this to my mom still won’t satisfy her. I don’t have a solution for you, since I don’t have one for myself, but I want you to know that I feel for you and that you are not alone.

    Sally

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