DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: Lately, I’ve been the victim of cruel and hateful anonymous cyberbullying. I had no idea who was behind it as I have no known enemies. Then I found out on excellent authority that it is my stepsister. We are the same age and attend the same school. She is nice as can be to my face and I thought she was my friend. I had even confided in her about the cyberbullying and she had pretended to be sympathetic. Making matters worse, we share a room during visitations at my dad’s. It will be hard to act blind to what’s going on, but I don’t know how to confront her or what to do if she denies involvement. Please help. — Betrayed in Sacramento
Editor’s Note: Note the difference between Farren’s small public school and Akasha’s small private school. Private schools control bullying better not because they’re smaller, but because they address bullying immediately by gathering involved parties and facilitating zero-tolerance solutions. Many also teach non-violent communication. Regarding the origins of “mean girl” behavior, my hunch is that it ultimately sprang from competition for men from the days when marrying well (or having a loving father-figure) was a female’s only sure path to success. Since females today still make themselves attractive to males via fashion, looks and personal style (often over substance), they continue cutting each other down on this level in order to weaken the competition. Sadly, a big arena for this today is the mixed family, where tremendous competition and secret loathing can take place between stepchildren. Functional families are like functional schools. Parents need to teach non-violent communication and adopt loving zero-tolerance strategies for anything less. —Lauren
Comments
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How good is your “good authority”? Are you absolutely certain? You better be before you start accusing somebody. I speak from experience. I was cyberbullied shortly after having a falling out with my stepsister, and I was certain that she was the one doing it. It included cruel comments about imperfections in my body that only somebody who had seen me naked would know about and she sees me since we also share a room during visitations and I had never worried about undressing in front of her because we’re both girls and she never put me down or even said anything. I accused her and also told my dad and stepmom that she was doing it to me and they believed me and it got her in major hot water. However, I later found out that it was another girl who was jealous of me because she had a crush on a guy who started asking me out and became my boyfriend. I didn’t have any idea that she had any reason to do this to me, so I never suspected her. But she admitted it to a close friend of mine and when I confronted her she admitted it. I’d forgotten about it but we had been at a slumber party more than a year before and she had seen me naked then. I had to eat major, major, crow and apologize profusely to my stepsister. However, she’s still cold and distant toward me and I can’t really blame her and it makes things difficult since we’re still sharing a room every other weekend. So make sure you’re right before you start accusing somebody.
Lizzie
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Lizzie,
Thank you for writing in with this. Nobody teaches better than someone who’s been there. I hope things eventually thaw between you and your stepsister. Maybe you could show her this link so she knows you not only continue to regret your action, but are helping others avoid the same mistake.
Love,
Lauren
