DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: I’m a 16-year-old girl and my brother is 13. Our alcoholic stepfather gets drunk every night and becomes verbally abusive toward all of us, especially my brother. He screams and yells at him, constantly putting him down and calling him “sissy” and “faggot.” He does not physically abuse him, so we can’t report him for abuse, but the verbal abuse hurts my brother horribly and he has absolutely no self-confidence. Our mother is submissive and dependant on our stepfather, so she won’t leave him. We stay in our room as much as possible when he is drunk, but we can’t totally avoid him, and he is all over my brother every night at dinner. It’s scary what this is doing to my brother. Please help. — Roseville, CA
Editor’s Web Note: Alcohol is often used to “find out who someone really is”. But is the evil it can lay bare someone’s ‘true’ psychological nature, or is it born of the alcohol? Any insights? Please write us. — Lauren
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If Mom won’t do anything about it, what about the rest of the family? I’d seek help from your biological father (if he’s on good terms), your stepfather’s parents, or another family member ASAP. Give them a rundown of the situation and let them know that you feel helpless. No reason this should go on.
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I really feel for you. My sister and I were in a similar situation although it’s our dad who is an alcoholic and our mom was afraid to leave him since she had no job skills and was totally dependent on him financially. We spent as much time away from home as possible, but we were like prisoners in our room when we were at home since he was so terrible to be around. However, our room didn’t have a lock on the door and he would just barge in on us when he wanted to yell at us. He didn’t care that we might be undressed, so it was really scarry and very humiliating and embarassing when he came in when we had little or nothing on even though we tried to be as careful as possible. Our mom finally got up the guts to leave when her sister offered to take us in until we can get back on our feet. It’s a very crowded situation and my sister and I are sleeping 3 in a room with our cousin while our mom is sharing the other bedroom with her sister. Even so, it feels like heaven being away from him. I really think the key is for your mom to find a way to leave the situation like we did, no matter how difficult it might be. I’m not sure that calling CPS is the answer as they might not take you out of the house if you can’t prove abuse and reporting him could make things worse.
Been There
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I have to add that I am very familiar with your situation. Growing up my father was an alcoholic (still is actually) and he took things out on us but especially on my brother. Now as an adult guess what my brother has become? an alcoholic and he is abusive (verbally) to his son. It’s a vicious cycle. He also has the lowest self-esteem out of anyone I have ever met. He can not stand our Dad and blames all his problems on our Dad.
There has to be a way to empower your Mother and convince her to leave your abusive step father. Our Mother has the worst guilt about the whole situation which hasn’t really helped at all. They all need some counseling. If I were you I’d look into all the options your mother, brother and you have. Talk to a counselor or social worker and see if you can’t get your Mother some information on getting out of the situation. This country has tons of resources for the people who need financial help, if that is the reason your mom is dependent on your step dad. If if is emotional dependency point out what an emotional toll it is taking on your brother’s self esteem. You can also find resources for counseling, start with your county website or office for social health. Make a plan, find inexpensive housing, start taking on some of your step dad’s responsibilities, if you can, to show your mom she can make it without him. You all need to be away from this abuse. -
I was perusing Straight Talk and found this discussion on an abusive alcoholic Dad and 13 yr old boy. I wanted to put in my two cents even though its an old post. I wouldn’t be so certain about telling him to report to police or other authorities. From my way too much experience with CPS, the police and family court, I doubt they’d do much except question the dad and that could cause more trouble for the boy.
Most important is to help the boy – telling people who can help him – getting help from a school or other counselor might be useful, attending Alateen meetings most definitely would be useful. (Alateen is Alanon’s 12 step program for teen family members of Alcoholics; their world-wide number is 885-425-2666 and they will steer you to locations). Alateen is an enormously valuable resource for teens. There are several terrific meetings in Sacramento area including Roseville Saturday morning, Orangevale Sunday afternoon and Grass valley Thurs eve). I think there is a new weekday meeting starting at the Jesuit school there in Carmichael area.
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Sorry about this situation. I have the same, except I was the younger sister, and my older sister got the brunt of it. Violent verbal abuse is abuse. I remember hiding in my room. My mom wouldn’t leave either. I am still afraid of loud noises. I get anxious if my husband disciplines our daughter. Some things stay with you but it will fade. Unfortunately, things are not likely to change. I am 30 and still dealing with my step father’s antics. Although, now that everyone has moved out, only my mom is left to suffer the abuse. I don’t mean to say there is no hope, really.
Do you have a relative, or friends parent you can trust to confide in who wouldn’t get authorities involved at your request? Maybe someone you could stay with for a while, and aunt or uncle. Because its verbal abuse, it might be more difficult to get someone to take you seriously, but stick to your guns. You know its wrong!
