Jul 30
DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: I was shocked at your advice to “Jason’s mom” (June 18) whose 17-year-old son informed her he was going to text and drive after the California cell phone ban took effect. You basically told her to get him a Bluetooth! Parents have a responsibility to expect their kids to follow the law, not help them break it! Jason’s mom should tell Jason to follow the law or be prepared to have his car taken away. Surely a 17-year-old relies on some financial assistance in owning a car, and therein lies the leverage for getting him to comply with the law. You have undermined my ability as a parent with this advice.
Thanks for nothing
Brittney, 20:
It certainly is safer “politically” to tell your child to follow the rules or lose the car, but most teens engage in restricted activities if they think they can get away with it. With a Bluetooth there is a better chance they won’t text, which is the main cause of accidents. I agree, the advice sounds “off,” but it’s better to be safer in the true sense of the word, rather than politically safe.
Farren, 20:
I’m appalled that teens like “Jason” disrespect their fellow drivers with something as dangerous as texting and driving. However, this law prohibiting drivers under 18 from using their phone is really dumb. And allowing texting for those over 18 is even dumber. As a parent, it is your job to protect your child. If you think your child is going to text anyway, get him a Bluetooth and insist he use Jott (www.jott.com), which lets you send text messages via voice.
Laura, 21:
If your priority is to force your child to toe the line, by all means, give ultimatums. It won’t work, but if it keeps your conscience clean, go ahead. However, if your priority is to keep your child safe, you will take a less dogmatic approach. I cannot overemphasize the importance of trust and cooperation between parents and teens. If you start threatening and using “leverage” against your kids, I guarantee a backlash. At the very least, they will be evasive and dishonest with you. Parents who listen to their child with an open mind, and approach something like the cell phone ban practically and flexibly have the best chance of getting their teen to comply with their wishes.
Ashley, 20:
A 17-year-old should pay for his own legal mistakes. At this age, take it out of the parent’s hand and give it to the law’s.
Lennon, 21:
Whoa! If you remove your child’s driving privileges, you end up being the chauffeur — either that or he’ll ride with friends (who likely text or talk while driving). If you want teens to be safer while driving, get them cars with automatic transmissions (which frees up a hand) and insist they use a Bluetooth.
DEAR THANKS: Consensual sex is illegal in California, too, for those under 18, and we know how well abstinence-only education worked. It didn’t. Correct me if I’m wrong, but today’s teens seem to enjoy their cell phones more than sex. For that reason, the abstinence-only law for cell phones behind the wheel of drivers under 18 makes me highly uncomfortable. For those who missed the original column, “Jason” and his friends planned to text on their knees out of sight of the cops as a way to beat the law. This mentality — combined with the fact that most families lack the infrastructure and fortitude to enforce the consequences you refer to — is why I will continue to advise parents to realistically size-up their cell-phone-addicted juvenile drivers, and if they think they are capable of similar hazardous cell phone use, compromise by getting them a Bluetooth or other hands-free device so the roads are safer for everyone.
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Jul 23
DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: I know of four different teenage girls right now who are in various stages of obvious pregnancy. None are married and all plan to give birth to the child. Do you think it’s the ‘Juno’ effect?
A loyal reader
Farren, 20:
Most intelligent, educated, mature teenagers take the movie for what it is and understand that getting pregnant and giving a child up for adoption is not as easy as it is portrayed in the movie, Juno. Of course, teenagers who are insecure, immature, or have a weak sense of identity, may identify with the movie — especially because the main character is super intelligent, beautiful, trendy, and strong. I don’t think it’s so much the movie as the person watching the movie that determines its effect.
Nicole, 18:
The movie, Juno, makes pregnancy a walk in the park. It is, in no way, realistic. Your friends are very brave to be going through with their pregnancies, but perhaps they are not thinking it through.
Bird, 17:
The whole ‘Juno effect’ thing is ridiculous. This movie hasn’t started anything. Teen pregnancy has been going on forever. I think when girls watch this movie they are in love with the characters, storyline, and soundtrack, not applying it to real life.
Peter, 21:
When I was in high school, a few girls got pregnant and decided to follow through with the pregnancy — and that was three or four years ago. I also knew a few who got pregnant and decided not to. Ever since the movie came out, teen pregnancy has been highlighted as if it was something new, but it’s not. People are just paying more attention. I don’t think the movie makes it more acceptable to get pregnant, but I do think it makes it more appealing to see a pregnancy through. All movies are unrealistic, but Juno contains grains of truth such as: being pregnant and having a kid is not the end of the world (a depressingly prevalent train of thought); most parents will care about their daughter even if she gets pregnant; and anyone can get pregnant if you’re not careful — even smart, witty, popular kids.
Jennifer, 14:
I think the movie’s effect depends on a girl’s personality. Timid or shy girls aren’t going to sleep with a guy just because they are bored, even after watching this movie. But sluttier girls use boys in different ways, and this movie might fit their lifestyle. I loved the movie. When I first saw it with friends, I wasn’t at all thinking about it. Then my mom suggested we watch it together, and the awkwardness of her sitting there made the ‘lights’ go on and I saw how shocking and unrealistic it was. I mean, Juno finds this really cool adoptive family almost effortlessly, her parents don’t get upset, it’s nothing to give up her child, and at school she’s like, okay everybody, deal with it. I could never do that! I would feel so embarrassed walking around school pregnant.
DEAR LOYAL READER: Is there a ‘Juno’ effect? The answer is in the proverbial oven. When the timer goes off we can see whether teen birthrates rise following release of this movie — or not. All we know is that Juno was overwhelmingly popular and hardly a girl over 12 hasn’t seen it. It won the 2008 Academy Award for original screenplay, was nominated for best picture, and sold at Starbucks coffeehouses across the nation. All media undeniably soak into consciousness and have an effect. What a person “soaks up” depends on what values are already established and how awake that person is. Jennifer’s mother has the right idea. I advise all parents to invite their teenager, male or female, to an additional critical viewing. The more “lights” that go on, the better.
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Jul 16
DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: I’m worried that my friend, “Greer,” who is 17, might be suicidal. He is acting strange lately, but I don’t want to make a big deal out of nothing and get him in trouble. After making plans to visit his dad in Montana, they had a fight, but other than that I don’t know what is troubling him. He just never wants to do the usual stuff anymore. He sleeps all the time when he’s not working, and he’s obsessed with the movie “Into the Wild” and talks about putting on a backpack and getting out of here. Am I worried for no reason? I checked on the Internet and these are some of the signs but what do I do without causing a big thing? I’m not his girlfriend (he doesn’t have one), but I care about him.
Please help!
Farren, 20
Warning signs are really hard. A lot of teenagers go through depression, sleep a lot, and pull away from family and friends, but they’re not necessarily suicidal. The only way to know is to ask him. Tell him you are worried about the changes in his behavior.
DEAR PLEASE: Yes, you must ask him. In 80 percent of suicide attempts, the at-risk person exhibits recognizable warning signs and Greer is displaying five of them. Suicide has tripled in the last 40 years. In 2000, an average of 2700 youths ages 12-17 attempted suicide in this country each day. Of those, about 100 a day took their lives. Talking about suicide will not make someone do it. This myth silences family and friends who would otherwise communicate — and suicide is almost always preventable with communication. Below are the warning signs and “first aid” for suicide. Friends like you are often on the front lines in helping others and I wish these principles were taught in high school. Good luck.
WARNING SIGNS:
• loss of interest in things one formerly cared about
• making statements about feeling hopeless, helpless, or worthless
• withdrawal from family and friends
• deepening depression
• fascination with death and/or suicide
• talking about suicide
• not sleeping or sleeping a lot
• exhibiting out-of-character behavior
• taking unnecessary risks or exhibiting self-destructive behavior
• having a family member who committed or attempted suicide
• extreme changes in eating habits
• unexpectedly visiting or calling people one cares about
• giving away prized possessions
• setting one’s affairs in order
• making a suicide plan
WHAT TO DO:
Gentle, yet direct communication works best. Arrange a private conversation and say, “Greer, you’re not yourself lately.” Tick off the warning signs you mentioned, then, ask the question: “You’re not considering suicide are you?” After you’ve asked:
• Listen and observe. Pay close attention to tone and facial expression. If they don’t match his words, gently point that out, and keep probing.
• If he does admit to suicidal feelings, take him seriously. Often people scoff at or negate such admissions, leaving the at-risk person worse off.
• Insist that there are other solutions besides suicide. Point out people who love him and reasons he has to live.
• Ask if he has a suicide plan: “Do you have a plan of how you would do it?”
• Do not keep the plan secret. Immediately tell an adult who can help. He wants you to.
• If he has no suicide plan, but admits to suicidal thoughts — or you suspect you’re not getting the whole story — still, tell that adult! Do not try to handle this solo.
• If someone is actually attempting suicide, stay with them! You are their lifeline. Immediately call 911 or 1-800-SUICIDE.
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