February 27th, 2008
Dear Straight Talk: Regarding the recent columns on drugs and sex, I have to say that parents set their kids up to lie to them. Most parents are so stressed about having perfect kids that if their kids do any experimenting they reject them. Parents have no clue how prevalent weed, alcohol, and sex are in high school and college. My mom understood this and while she didn’t condone things, if I went to a party (yes, things do happen at these parties), we stayed in communication and she would come get me if things got too crazy. Her trust in me kept things in moderation. Most kids just lie and their parents are naïve. Worst of all, because there is no honest communication, the kids don’t get help.
19, Sacramento
Dear Sacramento: You’re right. What happens is parents confuse unconditional love and open dialogue with condoning. Alcohol, drugs, sex — all have huge negative consequences and cannot be condoned. But since most teens are experimenting with one or more of these things, parents who form an open, loving dialogue with their teen, while setting clear boundaries, have the best chance of being a positive influence. (Parents: it is your responsibility to create this dialogue! Your teen needs help learning to manage these powerful, prevalent forces — the ability to do so is what makes them successful adults.)
From Farren, 20:
Watching my friends, I feel extremely fortunate to be raised by parents who understood the reality of underage experimentation. Yet, I have friends who were raised in strict households and they’re on the right track, too. The key lies in trust and communication. Parents can be strict as long as the children can openly communicate with them and know they are loved, mistakes and all. This means parents must practice unconditional parenting, i.e., you set boundaries, but you’re also ready to accept your child’s mistakes.
From Sara, 19
This throws me back to senior year when I couldn’t tell my dad about my abortion. The big thing is having a trusting relationship with a parent. That person was my mother, whom I lost at age 15. Dad and I did not have that relationship. I feared losing his support, so I would lie. Looking back, something horrible could have happened and no one would have known where I was.
From Kendal, 21
The super-strict, harsh parents have the kids who lie the most and are most out-of-line. My mom always said that if I was honest with her she would trust me. When, at 17, I started using weed and drinking I told her. She told me to call if I ever needed a ride. When I lost my virginity, I told her. She asked about protection. She wasn’t approving, but she was realistic. Because I’m close to my parents, I never had to lie. Their trust helped me keep things in moderation. I’m frustrated by parents who think, “my girl would never have sex,” or “my kid won’t do that stuff’.” Get a clue. Your kid needs you. Don’t condone their experimenting, but realize it’s probably happening.
From Bird, 17
I lied like a rug to my mother. With my cell phone she couldn’t tell where I was. When she caught on to my lifestyle, it tortured her for awhile. Then she told me she would rather not know the details, she just wanted me to make smart choices, and if I put myself in jail she wouldn’t come get me.
From Nicole, 18
I’d say 98 percent of all teenagers lie to their parents on a regular basis. They’d like to be honest but they can’t because their parents will get angry. My parents were nonjudgmental and understanding and I told them everything. They never got mad or told me not to do it again. They had faith in me.
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February 6th, 2008
Dear Straight Talk: I am disappointed in your response to “No longer Supermom,” whose daughter began drinking, smoking marijuana, flunking out of school, and had moved into her dad’s house where there were no rules. This girl is crying for help. The mother should intervene like a hammer based on the information given, not wait until harder drugs are in use. I was shocked that you only recommended intervention for what you call “white” drugs (meth, cocaine, crack, PCP, Oxycontin, heroine), when alcohol and marijuana (what you call a “green” drug), are devastating and highly addictive to the growing mind. — Vacaville CA
From Peter, 21: I was a high school Peer Helper and a Youth Advisor to Health and Human Services. There is a distinction between alcohol and “green” drugs like pot, and “white” drugs like meth, PCP, crack, cocaine, heroine, and Oxycontin. The addictive nature of one group is nothing compared to the other. “White” drugs are almost entirely chemically addictive and seriously damage the brain. Compare this to alcohol and pot, which one can quit cold turkey with little or no withdrawal symptoms. Don’t get me wrong, pot and alcohol are dangerous, but saying they are even close to the danger of “white” drugs is as irresponsible as saying they aren’t dangerous at all — which is, unfortunately, what a lot of teenagers think. If a teen is habitually abusing alcohol or pot, it’s time to investigate, but “dropping the hammer,” will probably alienate the teen. “White” drugs, however, require drastic measures.
From Laura, 21: What is more harmful in the long run? Let teens run their “experimental” course or step in with the iron cage of control and try to shove their circle back into a square? The latter will often backfire. It’s usually better to let them go through a phase without interfering too much.
From Johannes, 21: Some experimentation by youth is appropriate and necessary. I play Division I college soccer. I drink heavily sometimes the night before practice. I have also smoked marijuana. I did this in high school, too. Yet my physical and mental fitness is above par. Let teenagers live and learn. Your advice will only alienate.
Dear Vacaville: Anyone who knows my work knows I advocate a substance-free lifestyle. Unfortunately, such lifestyles are rarely modeled for our children. Whether it is caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, illegal drugs, or prescription drugs, most adults use something to alter their chemistry on a regular basis. I won’t even mention their teen years.
Apples, of course, don’t fall far from the tree. Teens speak to me frankly about their world and the ubiquity of substance use among teens — especially alcohol and marijuana — is shocking. I don’t like it. I wish it was different. Good kids, high-functioning kids, Christian kids, athletes, scholars: most use or have used these drugs.
Each parent draws their own line in the sand. But unless the abuse is out of control, taking a persuasive, educational, and watchful approach with alcohol and marijuana usually works better than a power struggle — which generally drives the problem underground, or worse, backfires. For my own kids, I give compelling reasons all the time about living substance-free. They know that’s what I want for them. They also know that I know their friends, their friends’ parents, their teachers, and that this “village” will report to me if things get stupid. They also know I love them unconditionally. Finally, they know if they ever mess with “white” drugs, I will become an animal. Why? “White” drugs are different than alcohol and marijuana. This may sound soft, or like a mixed message, but being an effective parent means being a wise general. In my experience, unless things are out of control, the “green drug challenge” is best solved off the battlefield.
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January 9th, 2008
Dear Straight Talk: My 16-year-old daughter was a great kid until October when she suddenly moved to “the dark side.” She picked up a cigarette habit and began hanging with kids with drug and alcohol problems. She dropped out of soccer, is flunking classes, and moved into her dad’s house where there are no rules. She talked her doctor into giving her Prozac, telling me she is no longer drinking or smoking pot because it won’t be effective, but I found her reeking of pot. I’m there for her when she calls, but she constantly lies about where she is and if she is going to school. I feel used for money and rides. She’s throwing away everything that was positive in her life and I feel powerless and angry. What should I do? — No longer Supermom
From Mary, 17: Your daughter is doing what many teen girls do. She will grow out of it. When she pushes you away, just hold on tighter. She might say she hates you, but she doesn’t. She just wants to live her life.
From Mariah, 16: Don’t give her rides and stop the cash flow. If she is smoking cigarettes and pot then you know where the money is going. Get her tutors and talk with her father. You need to be a team. She may say she hates you and that you are ruining her life, but your actions are in her best interest.
From Shelby, 16: Stop giving her money. If she needs something, buy it for her, but don’t give her cash. This includes lunch money. If she wants lunch, make it for her. You are not forced to drive her anywhere so only drive her to school and maybe the movies or something. If you can, take a vacation with her to get her out of her environment. Transferring schools is another idea. Also, tell her doctor that the Prozac is being misused.
From Bird, 17: I did this same thing only at a younger age. My parents are divorced, too, and my bad behavior only affected my mother as well. She told me to stop, but overall, she knew she couldn’t stop me. She is a single working mother and became exhausted with what I put her through. I know now that she blames herself, and no parent should blame themselves for the choices their teenager makes. Many teens feel this is their golden age to get wasted, have a good time, and forget the rest. But you shouldn’t give her money because you know where it’s going. If your kid has a good head on her shoulders, it should be all right in the end. I know so many teens who have done this and they turn out just fine. But that doesn’t make it any less scary or painful to watch.
Dear Supermom: You heard it from the source: Cut off money and rides and provide for your daughter in other ways. I agree that she will probably return to the light, but there is a darker side of dark out there. Create opportunities to be near her and express your belief in her moral character — AND let her know you will intervene like a hammer if certain lines are crossed. For me, that line is “white drugs” versus “green drugs.” Learn about her world any way you can: talk to her friends, and if possible, view her email, MySpace, or Facebook sites (this is one of those times when snooping is permissible). If alcohol and green drugs (i.e., marijuana) are what she is using, keep a wary eye, but if white drugs turn up (such as meth, cocaine, crack, OxyContin, heroine), intervene hard and fast with help from juvenile authorities if need be. These drugs take people into a darkness very hard to climb out of.
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