April 9th, 2008
DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: I’m 16 and I have a question. How do you ask a potential partner how many partners she’s had and whether she has a sexually transmitted disease? I am going out with this girl and I can’t figure out how, or when, to ask the question. If I ask too soon it seems like that’s all I care about. If I wait till the last minute, that’s awkward, too. And what happens if she tells me she has something? It seems cold to just dump her. And how do you know if she is telling the truth, or even knows the truth?
Thanks, Dylan
From Hannah, 16
Our generation is so wowed by the thought of sex that everyone gets embarrassed and nobody takes STIs seriously. Almost no teenager is going to give their “potential partner” an honest answer. That is why you always need to use a condom. Or honestly, just don’t have sex.
From Laurel, 21
I was 18 before I had sex, old enough to handle the emotional and physical consequences. I asked my partner about STDs and he assured me he was clean. He’d had previous partners, but I believed him because I was so in love. He didn’t want to be tested and I didn’t push it thinking it would look like I didn’t trust his word and that was all I cared about. I went on birth control, so we didn’t use condoms. Long story short, I contracted HPV, the cancerous kind. Every time I faced an abnormal pap smear, I cried and was depressed for days. Now, I’ve had to tell my new boyfriend of my “contracted disease.” Ask your girlfriend for a test. Don’t doubt her integrity or bring up her past partners, just say that most diseases have “silent” symptoms. Offer to get tested with her — even if you’re sure you’re clean. Never, ever, be lax because you’re worried about your partner’s feelings. Protect yourself. Even from the person you love.
From Beau, 18
The best time to ask about STDs is when the relationship is taking that step forward. Getting tested together is a good way to make sure everyone is honest. If your partner tests positive for STDs, hold off on having sex, or if it is curable, wait until it is cured, then still use protection. Always use protection.
From Nicole, 18
I ask, straight up, “When was the last time you were tested for STDs?” So what if the question is awkward? To not ask is irresponsible. Your partner could always lie; it is a hard thing to judge. Also, it is very possible they don’t know they have something and are spreading it.
DEAR DYLAN: The answer is protection, protection, protection. Always use a male and/or female condom — even for oral sex. Asking about STDs is wonderful and I strongly encourage it, but as Laurel’s experience shows, without regular testing, there is no guarantee your girlfriend is clean just because she says she is. Even with testing, there’s no guarantee. HIV, for example, doesn’t show up on tests until 3 months after it is contracted. With our current lifestyle, 50 percent of the population will, at some point, contract an STI or STD. Many are chronic and life-threatening. Many have no cure. Two-thirds of those infections happen before age 25, mainly because alcohol, drugs, and the feeling of invincibility, lead to unprotected sex. They say abstinence is the only safe sex, but we all know abstinence isn’t sex at all. And we’re discovering that sexual “freedom” isn’t free at all, the cost is non-stop protection. If ever there was a reason to strive for a satisfying, long-term, monogamous relationship (what used to called, “forsaking all others till death do you part”), this is it. In the meantime, “save yourself” by keeping it wrapped.
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March 21st, 2007
Dear Straight Talk: I’m 17 and I’m doing a report on the HPV vaccine. This is the new vaccine for human papilloma virus, a sexually transmitted disease that can cause both genital warts and cervical cancer. Since HPV is only contagious through sex, the vaccine is controversial. What do you and the girls on your panel think? Do you want this vaccine to be mandatory for seventh grade girls, or simply available for the families that want it and can afford the $360 price tag?—“Kelly,” Folsom High
Dear “Kelly”: I’m glad you asked. HPV is so common that just about everyone who has ever had sex—or come close—has had it at one point or another. There are 40 strains of HPV that are passed through all forms of sexual activity, including non-invasive activities such as body rubbing and mutual masturbation. Condoms don’t always help because HPV can be anywhere in the genital area.
HPV usually has no symptoms and most strains are harmless, including those that cause genital warts. However, 9700 American girls and women will be diagnosed with cervical cancer this year due to the nastier strains. The vaccine protects against two HPV strains that cause 70 percent of cervical cancer and two that cause 90 percent of genital warts. The vaccine is most effective if administered before a girl is sexually active.
In my opinion, society should welcome a tested vaccine that helps prevent the spread of cancer. Cancer is different than mumps or chicken pox. Because HPV is pervasive at all levels of society, the only way to manage it is through a mandatory campaign. With an opt-out clause for those who don’t want it, it seems senseless to derail this medical breakthrough for political reasons.
Like you, two on the teen staff are using an alias:
From Farren, 19: I’m sorry, but how is the vaccine controversial? Seventy-five percent of 18 to 25-year olds have been exposed to the virus. Should we, as a society, disregard their safety entirely, punishing them with an STD that can cause cervical cancer?
If the vaccine is limited to only those who can afford it, we are further renegotiating all women’s safety and condoning a sexually uneducated society. Those who can’t afford the vaccine are the same people who can’t afford annual pap exams—which increases their odds of developing cervical cancer. There is absolutely no moral argument that would keep such a vaccine from the masses.
From “Krystal,” 18: I’ve had HPV in the form of genital warts, which I had frozen off, so I think the vaccine is a good idea. My only concern is that by making it mandatory, we won’t learn of long-term side effects until many people are inoculated.
From “McKenna,” 20: I abhor the controversy over the HPV vaccine. People think it will make girls more sexually promiscuous? Give me a break. How you raise your child determines that. Girls are going to have sex when they feel ready—with or without the shots. I was 18 and in love before I felt ready. Is that being promiscuous? My boyfriend’s STD test was negative for HPV, so we didn’t know he had it. When I contracted HPV from him, the cervical cancer strain, I was devastated and felt like a tramp.
We finally have a vaccine that can help prevent cancer and people are worried about promiscuity? So, when we have a vaccine for HIV, does this mean millions will continue getting AIDS because a few political groups pretend that people don’t have sex? These narrow-minded views are writing the death certificates of people who unknowingly contract HPV and don’t have health coverage. I’m lucky I can see a gynecologist every year to make sure my system is not getting covered with cancer. What about all the people who don’t have this coverage, aren’t promiscuous, but are still contracting HPV because 80 percent of all sexually active people have it?
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August 2nd, 2006
Dear Straight Talk: I’m wondering how teens today define sex. I don’t have children of my own and I ask this because my niece, who is 17, confided in me that she and her boyfriend are madly in love. As we have a close relationship, I asked her if they were having sex. She said they weren’t, but further discussion revealed they have oral sex but don’t consider this “actual sex”. Needless to say, I was taken aback. What do teens consider “actual sex” to be?—Out of touch at 47
From Ashley, 16: I would definitely say that most teens (outside the religious community) consider oral sex differently than “sex”. It’s kind of like pseudo-sex.
From Brittney, 17: I personally don’t know any teen who considers oral sex to be “sex”. “Sex” is when the penis enters the vagina.
I’m not sure how oral sex and “sex” came to be two different things, but it probably has to do with the media. If you look at TV and movies, you never see them calling oral sex “sex”—they call it oral sex. We grew up on that.
Oral sex is not considered as big a deal as “sex,” and in general, most teens practice oral sex earlier than “sex”. Regarding protection, the older generation would be shocked at how lax most teens are with oral sex. I don’t know whether this stems from ignorance, embarrassment to wear a condom during oral sex, or if teens are simply not as worried because pregnancy is ruled out.
From Frankie, 18: I think many parents and older adults feel that “sex” includes oral sex, but for most of my generation “sex” means intercourse. I’m not sure why this is, maybe because oral sex is a little less intimate.
It’s been drilled into us to use protection during intercourse, but most teens believe oral sex to be safer than intercourse and thus entirely forgo protection. I think this is because education around oral sex is lacking, and abstinence-only education is making things worse. Teens need the whole picture—and we aren’t getting it.
Dear Out of touch: There’s your answer in plain language. Your question has highlighted what appears to be ignorance around oral sex. What our teens don’t know can hurt them—which is why I don’t support abstinence-only education.
Many sexually transmitted diseases are extremely dangerous. They can last a lifetime. They can cause sterility and birth defects. They can lead to major illness and death. And they are highly contagious.
Abstinence is the low-risk leader, yet saving oneself for a partner is only risk-free when that partner has also saved, and continues to save him or herself in return. Ignorance of safe sex methods is not only socially irresponsible, it can be personally devastating.
Anytime genital fluids go from one body into another body there is risk. Vaginal and anal intercourse without a male or female condom carries the highest risk for the most dangerous STDs. Oral sex without a condom and/or dental dam is low risk for AIDS, but high risk for herpes, hepatitis B, gonorrhea and syphilis. Even mutual masturbation carries risk for herpes and genital warts if care isn’t taken.
Can your niece walk into a store and buy condoms—or is she too embarrassed? Does she know what a dental dam is? Can she say ‘no’ to sex if she doesn’t want it? Does she have regular gynecological exams? Can she talk openly with her doctor about her sex life? Can she enjoy sex without first using drugs or alcohol? Does her mother or father know she is sexually active?
Forget semantics. Whether your niece is having “actual sex”, “oral sex”, or “pseudo sex”, the important thing is whether she is mature enough to answer ‘yes’ to those questions. Since you’ve opened the subject with her, find out where she stands and help her accordingly.
For more information, visit www.plannedparenthood.org.
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