September 24th, 2008
DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: A friend lets her teenage daughter stay overnight at a household where many teenagers regularly stay the night together, co-ed. Sometimes the parent of that household is there, sometimes not. When I bring up concerns, she says, “Those kids are all just friends.” I think she is naïve. I mean, honestly, teens? Raging hormones? How could something NOT be going on?
Roseville, CA
Mariah, 16
I have many friends of both sexes who sleep together and do not have sex. Sure it happens sometimes, but that doesn’t mean all teenagers are sex-crazed. Some teenagers really are JUST friends with the opposite sex and have no intention to sleep with them in the sense you mean. Usually nothing ever happens because the guy is gay or he needs a place to crash and ends up with a good friend who happens to be female. Most of my friends are male and I don’t see the big deal of having a non-sexual relationship with them.
Jennifer, 14
It is different in every situation, but friends of the opposite sex CAN sleep in the same bed together without having sex. Even promiscuous people are not always at fault. This is a very flirtatious generation that most adults don’t understand. If you see your teen flirting with someone don’t automatically assume something is going on.
Michael, 16
There are situations where the guys and girls are just friends. But it can be hard to completely stay away from having something sexual creep in. In many cases, we’d be lying to say it’s strictly friends.
Shelby, 16
I find it offensive that just because we’re teens you assume we are having sex all the time. Could you be any more judgmental? I have quite a few guy friends who I feel totally comfortable sleeping over with — and we’re not having sex, we’re talking! Did you have sex every time you spent the night at a guy friend’s house?
Katie, 15
I go camping with my boyfriend and his family, and usually there are eight or nine teenagers spending all day and night with each other. Nothing happens between either friends or couples because parents have said if we are caught doing anything, we all go home and there’s no more camping. But they give us the opportunity to prove that we can be trusted. If parents make the limits clear, and provide strong consequences, the situation is under control.
Sawyer, 17
Males and females sleep together a lot and nothing happens. Co-ed sleeping isn’t so much the problem, it’s the drinking and smoking that needs to be monitored. Yes, sex happens sometimes, but at least when it does, we’re educated. We didn’t do what your generation did! There was so much sex in the 60s and 70s, most of it unprotected. All our STDs come from you guys! When it comes down to it, the sex education we’ve been given brings in a huge amount of safety.
Kendal, 21
It depends on the kids. They could very likely be just friends and really have nothing going on. It really does happen a lot. However, the fact that there aren’t parents home is a red flag. Not that parental supervision insures that there are no sexual activities, but it’s definitely a mood-killer. Your friend needs to be a bit more realistic and make sure there’s parental supervision. And you need to mind your own business.
DEAR ROSEVILLE: Well, there’s a wrap! Anything else you’d like to know? We loved your question, by the way, and I wanted to close with Kendal’s common-sense advice regarding parental supervision. This generation has platonic male-female relationships unlike anything our generation could, or can, imagine. Assumptions about sexual behavior are harder to make, but parental supervision will always be a no-brainer.
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August 1st, 2007
Dear Straight Talk: In reference to your column of June 27, there is another reason divorced or single mothers need to get over their inhibitions and give their sons the “sex talk.” In many families, “Mom” is the only person a son can go to for help if he is sexually molested. My mother re-married when I was 11 and I was molested by her husband from age 12 to 14. I finally found the courage to stand up to my stepfather’s sick game, but to this day, my mother knows nothing about it. Sex was such a taboo topic between us that it made it virtually impossible to tell her. Had I been able to tell her, I believe she would have protected me and dumped him, but there was an unwritten code that, as an adolescent male, you didn’t discuss sexual topics with your mother.
I’m now grown and have done a lot of counseling. Men molesting boys is more common than people think. Boys hold things in more than girls, so the culture doesn’t hear about it as much. Mothers need to tell their sons they can come to them for any reason, including this one. — Dan, 55, El Dorado Hills
From Mary, 17: I know about being silenced, too. I was raped at 11 and didn’t talk about it till I was 14. And yes, it was my mom I went to. The rapist was a substitute teacher at my school. He kept me quiet with something like, “If you tell anyone I will kill you,” or “I will kill your family.” The words I remember exactly were, “You should be happy because you will never be touched by a man like this ever,” and “You’re such a whore.”
When it happened I tried to pretend I wasn’t there and afterward I thought nobody would believe me. I was so ashamed. I thought I was a whore and that I deserved it. (The thought still crosses my mind.) By eighth grade, I couldn’t hide from it anymore so I told my mother. Now this man is being taken to court. Some say I should attend for closure, but I don’t want to. I see a counselor and talk to friends about it. I even gave a speech on it. I will probably deal with it the rest of my life, but I try not to let it control me.
From Mariah, 15: My parents didn’t speak to me about molestation until recently, and I’m almost 16. I think parents should have this talk early because things like this can happen when you’re really young.
From Jarrad, 18: What your stepfather did is disgusting and deserves consequences. It’s great that you had the nerve to stand up to him and I hope your letter gives other kids the power to tell someone — if not their mom or dad, then the police. What this man did to you was wrong and everyone knows it is wrong. For any kid out there reading this, your predator’s threats and accusations are lies. Because you’re young, you believe them and let them silence you. None of it is your fault and you’re not being tied up, so tell on them!
Dear Dan: I am broadcasting your message loud and clear. Sexual predators don’t want to get caught, but that’s too bad. What you and the teen panel said today is sure to empower victims of molest to tell on their abusers. I agree that if parents include this topic in the “sex talk,” their sons and daughters will be more apt to tell someone if molestation is occurring — or, even better, to stand up to the abuser before it happens. In my opinion, age-appropriate, empowering conversations around molestation should begin early, around age 4 or 5, keeping in mind that it is usually not strangers who molest children but someone close to the child.
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June 27th, 2007
Dear Straight Talk: My son is 15 and I’ve never sat him down and given him the sex talk. His dad is not available and I’m afraid I’m failing him in this department. I’ve tried bringing up the subject, but he waves me off with, “Mom, I already know that stuff.” I know how important communication is and want him to come to me if he is having troubles, but we’re both embarrassed by the topic. All I remember my dad saying to my brother was, “Keep it in your pants,” which I don’t find very helpful. Would the young men on your teen panel tell me the best approach? — Speechless in the suburbs
Dear Speechless: Between the ages of roughly 12 and 17, “Mom” and “sex” in the same mental construct sends most boys into convulsions. This reaction is healthy. Traditionally, boys came of age with guidance from men, while mothers supported it from well behind the scenes. I agree with the men’s movement, that even in today’s non-traditional settings, mothers are not the best guides for their sons in this process.
Nonetheless, you’re all he’s got. Get him the book for boys: What’s Happening to my Body by Lynda Madaras. (I recommend you read it, too). It will cover the “impossible-to-discuss” details, leaving you to impart what the teen panel feels is most important of all: values, responsibility, safety — and that you’re there for him.
From Peter, 20: I never had the sex talk with my parents. With sex education classes, your son probably knows all of the technical stuff. What you should worry about is that he knows the other stuff: the difference between love and facsimiles thereof, why sex shouldn’t be a casual thing, the dangers of STDs and early parenthood. One thing my parents did teach me is to respect women, and to never, ever, hit girls.
From Lennon, 20: I never had a “sex talk,” which to me is a sit-down-on-the-couch-and-seriously-discuss-sex kind of thing. My father never even mentioned sex until I was interested in girls, which was good because then I was ready. He put me at ease by saying something like, “So, have you had sex with so-and-so yet?” It was so blunt and ridiculous and he said it with such a humorous tone that it was funny and made me relax. Tell him what your father said to your brother; that will loosen things up. And don’t sit down with him, don’t give him any warning, make it a totally run-of-the-mill subject.
From Farren, 19: Your son is 15, so if he says “Mom, I already know that stuff,” he’s telling the truth. However, certain information needs to come from you because 1) it’s your sole responsibility as his parent; 2) his information might not be the best; 3) he needs to know your expectations and ground rules. Talking about sex with your mother is probably the most embarrassing thing possible, but without it, many teenagers will end up with a child at 15! Don’t sit down and have a set discussion. Bring things up casually, and for both your sakes, use humor.
From Mariah, 15: At 15 he knows a lot about sex, so approach him at this level, not as a little kid. The main thing is to tell him it’s an open subject and that you’re there for him if he needs help.
From Elizabeth, 18: Kids know and do a lot more than parents think and this is happening at younger and younger ages. It’s a scary thought, especially for me who might become a future parent. Not much will stop this process, so talk with kids early and earn their confidence. Talk to them about peer pressure, tell them they won’t be un-cool for waiting, take them to a class on STDs, talk to them about birth control and consider making it available because things will happen that you won’t know about until it’s too late.
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