January 16th, 2008
Dear Straight Talk: I have fallen in love with my algebra teacher. The problem is she is 30 and I am 16. I feel that she really likes me, and more than that, I feel like she wants me. What should I do? Should I ask her to dinner or just make a move? — Dominic
Dear Dominic: I thought your letter was a spoof until I asked the teen panel about it. They say it all.
From Kenny, 19: I don’t think this is a spoof. Lots of my friends in high school had crushes on teachers and “MILFs,” as they’re now called. The media projects these “forbidden” relationships and they are awakened in the population. It happened to me, too. The teacher was really sweet and caring and at that age it was all about hormones, which, of course, fueled my mind. Fortunately, I did not act on it.
From Mary, 17: You’re 16! You think she wants you because of all the lustful thoughts in your head. Don’t ask her out, you will look like a fool. Sorry, but someone has to be harsh.
From Mariah, 16: Have you even talked? You might be misunderstanding her. Regardless, think about the consequences. If you engage in a non-professional act she could lose her job and her career.
From Sawyer, 16: You’re really cocky. Some of my friends get worked up over older women and if I didn’t know a woman’s age I might too, but having the awareness like you do, I just can’t get into it.
From Shelby, 16: Plain and simple don’t ask her to dinner or make a “move” because 1) she will reject you; 2) it will be weird the rest of the year; or 3) if she went out with you, she would get fired; and 4) you would feel bad.
From Farren, 20: I don’t doubt the feelings you have for your teacher, or the feelings she has for you. But even if the age of consent is 16 in your state, do not instigate things. It is extremely easy for teachers to get caught up in situations like these. While I believe everyone should have the opportunity to love without boundaries, there are many relationships that need to remain professional in order to preserve trust, respect, and integrity. If you can already honestly say she has feelings for you, your relationship has already crossed a line. The only solution is to ignore your feelings for her. While it is completely inappropriate for a teacher to solicit a student, it is also your responsibility as a student not to tempt her.
From Bird, 17: Take your role as a student. To be with a teacher will jeopardize her career and you wouldn’t want to do that to the woman you love. If you are completely serious, wait until you graduate and then ask her on a date.
From Nicole, 18: Many young guys have fantasies about older women. If your feelings continue, make a move after high school is over.
From Britney, 16: I was actually in situation like this with a counselor. I honestly felt we had a great connection and it took a lot of convincing from my friends to make me realize it wasn’t right for a teenage girl to be in a “more-than-friends relationship” with this man. I saw the light when I asked myself, if he is so great, why is he interested in a girl half his age? Why isn’t he with an amazing woman his own age? Our relationship was bound for failure. The only relationship that could come from it was a physical one, and now I’m pretty sure that’s what was on his mind. You may be okay with that, but it is illegal most places and unethical everywhere.
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June 28th, 2006
Dear Straight Talk: I read your column every week and last week a girl had gotten a tattoo against her parents’ wishes. You advised her to tell her parents and accept the consequences. In your columns on the drinks spiked with drugs, you advised kids to anonymously bust the kids who are spiking the drinks. But when it comes to sex, you just tell parents they need to deal with it, even suggesting that we let our teenagers see the family doctor without our knowledge.
I bring this up because I have a 16-year-old step-daughter who I’m pretty sure is having sex with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is 19 and believe me, if I find out they’re having sex, I will put his butt in jail.—V.S.C., Auburn
Dear V.S.C.: You’re right about me being tough on drugs, alcohol, and underage tattoos. I handle sex a little differently because sex is a natural human process.
Let me explain. Nobody wants their child to “never” have sex. What we hope is that our children grow up and have sex within a mutually loving and committed relationship when they are old enough to handle any of the unintended consequences of sex, of which I’ve identified five: heartache, shame, pregnancy, STDs, and (I’ve just added a new one), lawsuits.
How old is old enough? Clearly, it varies with individuals and circumstances. Legally, it varies, too. Only six U.S. states (California included) have a no-exceptions sexual consent age of 18. For the vast majority of U.S. states the age of consent is 16, and in Hawaii and Canada it is 14.
My advice to teens younger than the legal age of consent has always been to get parental consent before having sex. If it feels unsafe to approach the parents, I advise waiting until legal age.
My advice to parents has always been to educate your children as to the double-edged nature of sex, condition them from a young age to wait, but if you suspect they are having sex by all means talk to them and help them be safe from that dark edge.
Your step-daughter’s consensual relationship is perfectly legal in most states. Should you sue her boyfriend for statutory rape the shame, heartache, and legal setbacks will be highly damaging to all.
If you can’t stomach my advice for parents, my backup advice is to leave well enough alone. Try imagining you’re in Kansas after all.
From Peter, 18: The truth is, if a teenager is having sex it’s not something parents can easily control without becoming tyrants. If it’s happening, then by all means the parent should make sure the teen gets any help needed, and if that means seeing the doctor confidentially, then so be it.
The important thing is that whatever the teenager does he does safely. If it’s sex, then use protection and only do it with someone you trust. If it’s drinking, then don’t drive, and only drink with people you can trust. If drugs… well, drugs aren’t safe at all and should be avoided at all costs.
From Farren, 18: I feel that protected and planned sex is a lot safer than drinking and drugs. Neither I nor anybody else on the teen staff has ever condoned teen sex or promiscuity, but I believe it is a person’s right to choose when he or she is ready to engage in sex.
When it comes down to it, many teens are going to do what they want regardless of their parents. Teens will have sex if they want to—and they will hide it from you if they want to, regardless of how that makes you feel. I don’t feel that tough love, or “[putting] his butt in jail,” is going to make the situation any better.
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