March 12th, 2008
DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: My daughter, “Paige,” is 14. Her mother and I divorced four years ago and my ex has always said ugly things about me. Somehow Paige seemed to know these things weren’t true and we had a great relationship. Three months ago, Paige was very disrespectful to me over the phone and I told her I wouldn’t tolerate such behavior. I cut off her cell phone after a threat to do so. During this time, I was pursuing a new custody agreement to prevent my ex from using the children to gouge me financially. Paige told me to stop pursing the new agreement or she’d never see me again. I tried to explain why I couldn’t do this and now she won’t talk to me except to threaten to ask a judge to let her refuse visitation with me. What should I do?
Paige’s dad
DEAR PAIGE’S DAD: I hope you study each word by Beau, Jennifer, and Bird. Advice on this topic doesn’t get better. As for Shelby’s advice: it’s a harsh delivery, but you can take it to the bank.
From Beau, 18
My parents divorced when I was one, and I constantly went back and forth between homes. Children think they are responsible for their parents’ divorce, and in a custody battle they think they must love one parent more than the other. Since your daughter can’t safely show affection for you around her mom, she sets up a defense mechanism that shuts you out. I’ve been there. My mom talked bad about my father, too, and I felt I had to agree with her to be safe. Just remember, your daughter loves you. Give her some space while gently reassuring her that you’re there. Don’t talk bad about her mother, and above all, tell her/show her that you love her at every opportunity. My dad eventually became one of my closest friends. He gave me space and he was there for me no matter what.
From Shelby, 16
Shutting off her cell because of one rude conversation was about the stupidest thing you could do! A girl’s cell is her life! For starters, hook her phone back up.
From Jennifer, 14
She is going to want to see you. Let her cool off for three weeks or so, to where she starts feeling bad about what she said. Then turn on her cell and ask her to lunch. Discuss how her life is going — and please, seem interested! Tell her you want her to be happy and to be with you. Ask what she likes to do, then do those things with her. (Hint: No 9,000-mile hikes! Maybe bowling, movies, shopping, something a 14-year-old girl likes — and let her bring a friend.) When you’re winning her back, don’t have your girlfriend or wife around; give her time just with you. Don’t speak badly about her mom, and don’t ask, “What’s your mom saying to you?” Finally, apologize. But don’t say, “I don’t know what I did to make you so mad.” That’s not an apology, that’s placing blame back on her.
From Bird, 17
My father and I had the worst relationship. He favored my little brother who was easier to deal with than his 12-year-old daughter, who just wanted to be on the phone or go to the mall. I remember (with regrets) saying, “I wouldn’t care if my father died.” I despised his girlfriend and wouldn’t stay at his house because of her. Now my dad accepts that and makes time just for me. Somehow our harsh conflict has made me cherish him and we get along better than ever. He treats me like an adult and we talk on a mature level. Regarding the new custody agreement, if it is morally right, push on with it. Your daughter will eventually understand.
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July 18th, 2007
Dear Straight Talk: I’m 15 and during the middle of the school year I was taken from my mom because she drinks. My little sisters, ages two and three, were taken also. My sisters are now back with my mom, and I have the choice to move back, too, or stay here at my dad’s almost two hours away. I can’t figure out what to do. I want to stay with my dad, but I also want to live with my mom. Right now I see her every other weekend. My dad and I don’t get along very well. I get mad at him because he gets into my business and personal life, and my little brother invades my privacy. On the other hand, Dad gives me a lot of freedom compared to Mom and I like the school better here and have made some good friends. What should I do?—Heather, South Carolina
Dear Heather: For most kids, choosing between parents is the most torturous responsibility they are asked to bear. Most kids fear they will hurt the feelings of the parent not chosen. I want to assure you that a teenager’s feelings, especially around rejection, are much stronger than an adult’s, and the parent not chosen will not suffer nearly as much as you are imagining.
My advice is to choose your dad’s house. Your mother is an alcoholic, and not always a functional one, which is a deal-breaker in my opinion. I suspect you have already spent plenty of time caring for her instead of her caring for you. I wouldn’t be surprised if you also feel the need to take care of your little sisters.
People who live with an alcoholic (or any addict) usually develop a psychological condition called co-dependency, where they feel the need to take care of the alcoholic. It is an unhealthy condition based on hidden control and manipulation by the addict. Usually the co-dependent is not aware of the manipulation, and in fact, usually the addict isn’t either. The addict adopts the manipulative behavior unconsciously in order to protect and maintain their addiction, and the co-dependent unconsciously goes along with it out of survival. I urge you to attend a few Al-Anon meetings so you can see the psychological effect an alcoholic parent has on his or her children.
Keep visiting your mother on the current schedule, but make your dad’s home your permanent residence. That your dad gets into your business while giving you freedom tells me he’s doing his job as a parent. I suspect you’re just not used to it.
From Brittney, 18: A lot of kids these days have to make this choice. Ask yourself, where will I be safest and happiest? Which household will benefit me most?
From Geoff, 21: If you have found a school that you really enjoy, I say stay. Over the next three or four years you will meet great friends and teachers who will be part of your life long after you graduate. Your family (both households) will always be there.
From Farren, 19: I think it would be best if you stayed with your father. While you don’t get along as well with him, it sounds like you are living in a safe environment and enjoy the school. That your dad gives you a lot of freedom is good because you need some room to make mistakes. But he should get into your personal life! While you’re young, it is his business. It’s important that he knows what is going with you. How else can he give you guidance and support during these years when you’re sure to make mistakes? This may sound odd, but my dad knows pretty much everything about me. I’m very open with him and let him be part of my life. It is also important to see your mom and your sisters, so keep visiting them.
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December 13th, 2006
Dear Straight Talk: My husband and I have two children, ages 7 and 9, and we struggle financially. My husband also has a daughter from his first marriage that lives here part-time. “Sarah” is 16 and she has never liked me. Her mother is well-off and Sarah has everything she could ever want. She comes and goes like the Queen of Sheba. We used to spend equally on the children at the holidays, but is it okay to spend less on her knowing she gets plenty at her mom’s?—Feeling the pinch
Dear Feeling: You’ll be feeling more than the pinch. At gift-giving time you’ll feel like the wicked stepmother. For a child, receiving gifts is about feeling loved. Giving her less will only make her feel less loved. As long as you’re married to Sarah’s dad, you will have a relationship with Sarah your whole life. You may never bond with her, but where your emotions are lacking, make your actions count. In this case, the appropriate action is to spend equal amounts on all the children and equal time contemplating the right gifts. Life is long. If you start treating her like you love her, one day you just may. That would be the finest gift of all.
Here’s more from the teen staff—and keep reading for a letter from another stepparent.
From Marie, 16: This is so familiar. My step-dad thinks I get everything I want from my real dad. I feel so left out sometimes when it comes to opening presents. Last year I only got three things from him. I know I’m not his kid, but I wish he would treat me equally.
Dear Straight Talk: I am shopping this year for my new stepson, “Kyle”. You did not make it easy on me with all the electronics on the teen Christmas list that ran last week. Kyle plays video games obsessively and all he wants is a new gaming system and more games—which, to me, is a waste. He’ll be watching closely what I give my kids and what I give him. I think I’ll get him a skateboard, some clothes, a desk for his room and maybe a bean-bag chair. It’s important to give each kid about the same number of gifts. At age 12, Kyle seems to count the number of gifts more than their value.—Kids count
Dear Kids count: Kids do count, in more ways than one. And you’re making sure Kyle counts where it matters most: as a valued family member.
I wish more parents had your imagination and strength to avoid the gaming industry. For those parents who are buying games, the games to avoid are: “Scarface: The World is Yours,” “Dead Rising,” “Saints Row,” “Gangs of London,” “The Sopranos,” “Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories,” “Reservoir Dogs,” “Mortal Kombat: Unchained,” “The Godfather: Mob Wars,” and “Just Cause.” This list is from The National Institute on Media and the Family’s 11th annual video game report card. All are rated M (age 17 and up), and all excessively glamorize sex and violence.
Dear Straight Talk: I want to share a holiday tradition that started unexpectedly in my family when my children were young. My church had a “gift tree” and I chose a card for a needy family with two kids about the same ages as my youngest. As we headed for the store with the card I was worried they would want to shop for themselves. But it never happened. They searched the toy aisle for almost an hour shopping for the kids in this family and never once asked for anything for themselves. It was a wonderful experience. My kids are teens now and we have done it every year since.—Lincoln Mom
Dear Mom: What a beautiful story. These “Giving Trees” are cropping up everywhere. You can find them in churches, banks, and other businesses. What a blessing to give your children the gift of bringing pleasure to those in need. I hope your letter plants many seeds today.
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