August 20th, 2008
DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: After reading the column about how to help prevent suicide (July 16), I want to say that, over the years, I have attracted friends who were cutting, depressed, anorexic, or bulimic. I’m strong and happy and I would reach out to them. But it got crazy. I became emotionally exhausted from trying to keep them pumped up when all they talked about was how they didn’t know if they could keep living. Sometimes it got so bad I wouldn’t even pick up the phone. The thing was I never knew how to tell anyone else, like a parent or school professional. I was afraid the situation wasn’t that big of a deal, that this was just normal teen depression. There was also a pride, like, “they came to me, I will be the one to help them.” And I questioned counseling because I thought my friends would be less open with an adult stranger than they were with me. But after one friend was hospitalized for attempted suicide, I realized this thinking is dangerous. The best thing is to straight-up ask the person if they are thinking about death and suicide. Listen and show you care, but don’t try to be the hero. And, definitely, tell an adult. I once told a teacher about a friend who was bulimic and a few days later he was really grateful.
Lara, 17
Beau, 19
I’m also a cheery person and I have learned to provide a safe, comfortable emotional environment for friends in need. Just knowing someone cares makes a difference; you don’t need to have the answers. Basically, I try to get people to believe in themselves and see that hardships can be sources of strength. I look at life situations, like my dad’s passing away or breaking up with my girlfriend, positively, and that’s what I try to teach.
Kenny, 19
People come to me for help almost for the opposite reasons. I’ve been through a deep depression where I couldn’t get out of bed and all I could do was cry. I took different medicines, did counseling and anger management, and learned about breathing and how to break down situations differently in my mind. Now I’m off the medicine and consider myself a success story. Many people think that those who say they are suicidal are just looking for attention. But the need for attention is real. The key is, don’t act like a counselor. Don’t say things like, “Why are you depressed?” And don’t use “poor you” statements. I used to do that, but then I would get those 3AM phone calls. Instead, I tell the story of how I beat my depression and anger, and insist they get professional help like I did. What’s really bad is some friends steer you the wrong way with, “What? You’re not drinking with us tonight? Not smoking pot tonight?” They don’t get how vulnerable you are when you’re depressed.
DEAR LARA: Thank you for a conversation-starter that is sure to save lives. Many teens find themselves with a friend who needs help and your experience of what to do and what not to do is so excellent I would like to highlight your closing words: “The best thing is to straight-up ask the person if they are thinking about death and suicide. Listen and show you care, but don’t try to be the hero. And, definitely, tell an adult.”
I’d also like to thank Kenny for urging his friends to get counseling — and noting how dangerous it is to steer a depressed teen toward drugs or alcohol. Drugs and alcohol are involved in almost all teen and college-age suicides. If the teen and college community learns to shield depressed friends from drugs and alcohol, rather than encouraging or pressuring them to “party it off,” even more lives will be saved.
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October 24th, 2007
Dear Straight Talk: I was very affected, Lauren, by the story of your son (9/5/2007). He was obviously an amazing young man and you obviously raised him well. I don’t know how you did it with four kids; we have five and have so many problems.
Our middle child, 15, has OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and Aspberger’s syndrome (a mild form of autism). She interrupts, makes ridiculous demands, and picks fights with family members non-stop. Single-handedly, she consumes most of my and her mother’s attention, which the other kids resent. All-out frustration reigns in our household which leads to other problems. As efforts to correct her behavior go nowhere, we are truly exasperated. I detected a note of shock from my older kids when I admitted yesterday that sometimes I want to walk away.
Our second child, 17, is pushing boundaries everywhere: bedtime, dating, freedoms, driving, (including damaging cars, claiming, ‘someone else must have done that.’). Now she wants to home school. She seems to be running from something, but says she is just trying to avoid bad influences. Trouble is, I work full-time, her mother is overwhelmed, and this daughter doesn’t have the discipline to home school successfully.
Our 10-year-old son has regressed to pooping his pants for the last two years, and we’ve tried everything. It really bothers the family when he won’t shower and blatantly lies about having a full “load” even when you can smell it. I’ve stopped bringing negative attention to the problem by harping on him, but now he’s getting more negative attention by failing in school and lying to us and his teachers.
We also have financial stress. I’m employed now, but was unemployed for two years and the financial aftermath is there. I don’t know where to turn. — Overwhelmed Dad
From Nick, 19: I have OCD, too, and nonverbal learning disorder (NLD). Many of your daughter’s actions mirrored my own at 15. My mother tried to help me extensively but I interpreted negatively and it created animosity between us. I felt attacked and ostracized for simply being me, and though I could see my actions were pushing people away, I somehow couldn’t refrain. What worked for me was being sent to live in a therapeutic community. I was there 18 months and it was the greatest — and most difficult thing — ever to happen to me. I learned to live with my mental and emotional issues in a way that doesn’t push people away.
From Peter, 20: There were five of us, too, and my older brother was schizophrenic and often refused medication. Having OCD with Aspbergers has got to be particularly difficult: not only is nothing perfect enough for your daughter, but she can’t understand why others don’t see it and has trouble communicating it. As frustrating as it is to deal with her, it is probably more frustrating for her to deal with you. Call Health and Human Services. Money and help is there, you just need to tap it.
Dear Overwhelmed: Do exactly as Peter says. Open the phone book and dial Health and Human Services in your county directory. Your family is in over its head with your daughter’s mental illness and you need help. It is destroying not only her, but the other family members as well. Tell Health and Human Services that you need a therapeutic community for your 15-year-old (think of it as a boarding school that will teach her how to function in the world), and get the rest of your family into group and individual counseling. Plow through the red tape and keep asking for what you need until you get it. Once the 15-year-old is where she needs to be, the stress level in your home will drop and you’ll be able solve these other problems. You and your wife are exhausted. Be kind to yourselves.
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June 20th, 2007
Dear Straight Talk: In a recent column about counseling (5/9/2007) it was mentioned that high-achieving females needed more understanding and care than other “high-risk” types. I’m concerned that my daughter, 16, might be one of these females. Can you describe in more detail what “at risk” looks like in a high-achieving female? My daughter is excelling in academics, sports, theater, and has a lot going on socially. I’m very proud of her, but how can I tell if her lifestyle is unhealthy, or if it is just her being all she can be? Also, if I thought she should take life a little easier, how would I get her to do this?—SuperDaughter’s mother
Dear SuperDaughter’s mother: Kathleen Snyder, the Suicide Prevention Coordinator who ran the early-intervention counseling program to which you refer, says to look for changes in the high-achiever’s usual behavior and watch her reaction to things. Snyder says, “At-risk perfectionists will settle for nothing less than perfection. If the high achiever gets 93 percent on a test, they focus on the 7 percent they missed and what a stupid person they are. If they place second in an athletic event, they are so dumb, they should have tried harder and they would have won. They negate their incredible successes if it is not perfect. Body weight often plays a role. Unless these girls see themselves as thin enough, they aren’t good enough.”
These are some of the identifying behaviors of an at-risk high-achiever. A high-achiever who is not at risk is happy with her success and body image even if the success and body image aren’t perfect. In other words, doing well and looking good are not crimes against doing great and looking impossibly greater.
High achievers with at-risk components to their behavior typically are in mind-boggling denial of them and it usually requires someone from the outside to spot them. Trust yourself. If you see the signs—or are in doubt—get thy daughter to a counselor! A counselor can help her recognize and adjust her own behavior (whereas if you try, it can lead to further denial—as you know, high-achievers can be very hard-headed). If she has resistance to seeing a counselor, leverage one of her activities or use financial incentive to make it happen.
From Farren, 19: First, think critically about these questions: Do your daughter’s activities make her happy, or would another activity fit her better? Does she have an activity where she can “let go” and have fun? Is she happy within the family? Do you tell her regularly how proud of her you are? Is there someone close she can talk to?
Next, approach your daughter without judgment and ask her how she is doing. Don’t take “fine” for an answer, get in and communicate with her. It is extremely easy for teens to hide their stress.
Don’t expect that she will slow down because she probably won’t. Instead, take over some aspects of her life to make things easier for her. As a parent, you are her number one helper. And don’t forget to talk to her about values, ideas, and morals. Your wisdom is indispensable to her.
From Laura, 20: If your daughter’s activities aren’t interfering with her health or happiness, let her decide how much she can handle. Unless she is pressured by a parent, the desire to succeed is often an intrinsic part of one’s personality. Your daughter may thrive on a level of activity, competition, and achievement that would exhaust a less driven person and it would be a disservice to fight against her nature.
From Shelby, 15: I’m involved in two sports, drama, school, event planning, and balancing time with friends. Yes, it is a lot, but it makes me feel like I am doing something. If your daughter’s grades are good and she is having fun with her activities, don’t tell her she is doing too much. If she is like me, she will just take on more to prove you wrong.
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