May 14th, 2008
DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: I’m 14 and I have a serious decision to make. My boyfriend of three months is sick with a deathly disease. I have a hard time handling sickness, let alone death, and if this disease takes his life I’m afraid I won’t be able to handle it. The more attached I get, the more scared I get, and the more I wonder if we should break up.
HELP!
Katie, 15
When I was 14, the boy I liked had leukemia. We were both interested in each other and in order to not get “too” attached we decided to be close friends. He did pass away, and our closeness was life-changing for both of us. Ask yourself: Can I remain calm enough to stay with him through all possibilities? How hurt will he be if I break up with him?
Beau, 18
My father passed away recently from a terminal illness. His wife left him shortly after he was diagnosed, which devastated him. Stay with your boyfriend and live your lives to the fullest. My father maintained an amazing attitude and taught me that just because death is around the corner, life doesn’t have to stop. When things get rough, think how hard it must be for your boyfriend, or how much worse it would be if you couldn’t see him.
Ashley, 20
It will be really hard if he dies, but it will be harder to break up and pretend like nothing happened. If I did that, I would regret it the rest of my life. Sharing your fears with him will help you feel stronger.
Mariah, 16
My best friend’s dad, who considered me a “daughter” died last year. At first I thought I should distance myself so it wouldn’t be so hard for us. But in the end, I spent as much time as possible with them and this was the best thing to do. I think you’ll end up more depressed if you abandon him than if you stay with him, even if he dies. Just be there and comfort him.
Nicole, 18
I am forever thankful that I spent the time I did with my friend before he died. Stay by his side. He needs you. If you don’t, and he passes, you will only be upset with yourself.
Megan, 19
Feel lucky that you’ve found someone you like who wants to spend his remaining time with you. Take the time you have and do something with it.
Emily, 15
Your boyfriend doesn’t deserve more loss and he will appreciate it if you stay. But that’s a lot to ask of a 14-year-old. If it’s truly too much, you are not being selfish, and he will understand. On the other hand, you have the opportunity to make the rest of his life the best part. And if you leave him and he gets better, you can’t just say, “Ok, let’s date again.”
Callie, 16
Stay with him. He needs to be able to talk to you because he has more on his mind than he can handle. If the tables were turned would you want him to break up with you? Who knows, this experience might help you deal with death more positively.
DEAR HELP: Welcome to Life, the Advanced Course. I know you didn’t mean to sign up, but here you are. I agree with the teen panel that this particular course could be even harder if you drop it. I hope you decide to stick it out, but promise me you’ll enlist support for yourself from a counselor, pastor, wise friend, or adult mentor. You and your boyfriend have chosen each other at this moment in life’s journey and I can’t help but think there’s something huge to be gained for both of you.
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December 5th, 2007
Dear Straight Talk: I’m having a really hard time. One of my friends died. Her name was “Kristin.” She was 16. Her boyfriend, who was 30 minutes from being 21, also died. He was drinking and driving, they hit a tree and the car completely wrapped around the tree killing them both on impact. I’m writing because I’m scared that Kristin’s sister, “Emily,” is going to do something dumb. Emily is 15 and is in two of my classes. What can I do to make her feel better so she won’t go do something stupid? — Amber, West Virginia
From Megan 18: Emily is going through the hardest thing a sibling will ever go through — and you are going through a hard time, too. For this reason, you should all stick together. Love is the best form of healing, as corny as that might sound, so make sure she feels the love you had for her sister and knows you are there for her.
From Michael, 16: One of my good friends passed away recently, and I was worried that his brother might get involved in the drug scene. I decided to approach it differently from the “we need to talk” thing you see on TV. Talk to Emily the way you would normally talk to her — and, most importantly, don’t accuse her of her actions.
From Nicole, 17: I’m sorry for your loss. I know how it is. Spend time with Emily. It is important for her to be able to talk to someone who loved Kristin.
From Hannah, 16: I recently went through that kind of hurt and I’ve learned that one never really recovers. My friend was also young, he had much more to live, and he, too, had siblings. There is no quick fix, so just be as available as you can to the little sister and keep an eye on her. I found that I had to come to terms with the fact that even if I could be there every single day and say everything possible to the sibling, he would still do what he wanted.
From Shelby, 15: This happened to me, too, and I couldn’t figure out what to say to the brother that would be meaningful and not offend or sadden. If Emily has best friends, let her be with them, but make sure she knows you’re there, too. Whatever you do, don’t say, “I know how you feel,” or, “Everything is going to be okay.”
Dear Amber: My heart goes out to you and Kristin’s family. Many of us at Straight Talk have been in your shoes recently and I hope our words are helpful.
Your love for Kristin is the key to Emily’s healing. Words like, “I love you,” and “I’m sorry,” cannot be said too many times. You can never, even months or years later, send too many letters, messages, gifts, remembrances, or offers of help. Those in mourning may not respond, they may look pained, angry, bored, they may start crying, but believe me, your clumsy, loving words and actions do comfort them. Nothing is harder for those in mourning than being left alone or feeling that nobody loved the deceased — or worst of all, that the deceased will be forgotten. Sadly, this happens too often because people are afraid to “bother” or “remind” the bereaved about their loss. But the bereaved really do want to be bothered and reminded of their loved one.
Shelby gave examples of phrases to avoid. Also avoid telling Emily that you consider Kristen your sister, too. You may, but you have lost a friend and she has lost a sister and siblings can be very sensitive about this distinction.
I would also avoid blaming anyone or anything. The situation is what it is and cannot be reversed. By dropping blame, true healing can begin.
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September 5th, 2007
Dear Readers: As some of you know, I lost my son, Jarrad, a few weeks ago. On the morning of August 4, he was killed in a motorcycle accident. It was Saturday. He was 18, leaving in a few weeks to attend California Maritime Academy in Vallejo.
Jarrad had the bike for 30 minutes. It was new. He was wearing a helmet, practicing on a side street going less than 25 miles per hour. He died instantly.
As you can imagine, I have been in shock, in denial, and I have blamed.
Over the next days, hundreds and hundreds of people arrived at his side. It was during this time that I realized that Jarrad’s destiny was his own, nobody was to blame, and that if I really wanted to honor Jarrad, I would take a leaf from his songbook: I would stand joyfully in who I am, I would take more time to connect, I would practice loving without embarrassment, I would find pleasure in hard work, I would make sure to play with my friends.
Jarrad, you had more life in the tip of your little finger than most of us have in our whole body. This column is for you, Jarrad. Thank you for your love.
From Johannes, 20: I heard the news and fell to the kitchen floor sobbing. I loved Jarrad’s extroversion, his intrinsic motivation to be a wonderful person. Five days before the accident, Jarrad picked me up at the airport. He loved me so much. Spotting me in the crowd, he ran, lifted me up, twirling me around yelling and smiling, “YO-HANNES!!” It was classic Jarrad. I was blushing, yet I loved the way he made me feel. The life he led, in retrospect, was angelic. He helped so many people, loved even more, and is missed by more yet. That is an unusual statistic, and the only way I can understand it is to say he was more than human in his existence. Jarrad taught me things it takes lifetimes to learn. We, as people, spend too much time on insignificant things. Jarrad did none of that. Jarrad loved, cared for, and guarded those he knew. Jarrad had life on the ropes and was living it how one should. If we all adopted his mentality, unspeakable peace could exist. Jarrad was the purest form of life I knew.
From Lennon Cole, 20: From my earliest memories, Jarrad overshadowed me in practically everything. You might think I’d have taken this badly, but Jay had this amazing way of loving you that made you love him back. He was impossible to stay mad at. I used to wonder why I was born first; now I know: I am supposed to fill this space he left.
From Sawyer Cole, 16: Jarrad, you were not only my brother, you were my role model. You stood up straight; you were strong. You didn’t use drugs or alcohol, you didn’t even drink soda. Yet you had more fun and more friends than anybody I know. I don’t know how you did it, but I promise to try, too.
From Akasha Cole, 13: Jarrad, you always looked out for me and made me feel special. You are who everyone admired and wanted to be because you made everyone feel wanted. Remember how you would prance around in your underwear and sing? In 18 years, you put more spirit into this world than most people do in 90.
You always inspired me to do the right thing. I remember when that handicapped boy came up to you on the street with his left hand out. You just put your left out and shook hands, making him feel wanted, too. I remember his mother saying, “Thank you for treating my son like an equal. Nobody his age does that.”
From Nicole, 17: Last summer, friends and I set sail in two boats and found ourselves in the middle of Lake Natoma with no wind. After 30 minutes, we concluded that the only way we were going to get home was by a miracle. As we spoke, in the distance we saw a large splashing object coming straight toward us. Of course! It was Jarrad!! Someone on shore had called him and he had come to save us. With his supernatural strength, he grabbed a boat in each hand and swam us a quarter mile upriver to our destination. Whether he was making you laugh, comforting you, or pulling you up a river, Jarrad and his huge smile was there for everyone. He is loved forever.
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