August 27th, 2008
DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: We’re 16 and we have a complaint. Since the age of chivalry there were rules and rituals around romance, but now girls are flirtatious all the time — even when they want nothing. While girls dress and act provocatively nonstop, they don’t actually make the move. The guy is expected to take this risk. And if he kisses a girl (who is flirting heavily with him), and it turns out she didn’t want him to, he gets slammed for it. In any other generation, if a girl stays at your house until 2AM, flirting like crazy, she’s interested, right? Today, guys have to ask, is she is just being my friend? It’s not only confusing, the main problem is that girls are mean if you interpret their flirting wrong. If you kiss a girl when she doesn’t want it, it’s all over school, “Ew, gross! Ew, creeper!” And if you play it safe and don’t kiss her, then when you finally do, it’s, “Geeze, took you long enough.” Between the head games and the humiliation, even a simple hook-up can be more draining than it’s worth, not to mention trying to have and keep a girlfriend. A lot of guys — even popular guys — aren’t courageous enough to risk what girls put them through so they avoid the whole thing. Girls have gone too far.
Matt, Jason & Tyler
Farren, 21
Girls definitely have more free rein to do what they want when they want. Women have become so free, provocative, educated and strong that men need to work for their attention. In that sense, the playing field is leveled. But it’s ridiculous if guys are giving up. With communication, there shouldn’t be a problem. If a girl stays at your house until 2AM, ask what she is expecting. If she humiliates you for communicating, she isn’t worth pursuing. Anyone playing mind-games should be dropped. There are still worthy girls out there, you just have to find them.
Jacob, 19
I agree that girls do the majority of the flirting and then expect the guy to take the risk and make the actual move. But once the right girl comes along, how is that such a big problem?
Emily, 16
Girls do like to flirt and we often take it too far, but guys are guilty too. I’ve had guys admit they’ve liked me for years and haven’t done anything about it. This makes them unattractive to me. If a guy makes a move, even if I wasn’t interested originally, I am now. Straightforward is good. Girls don’t like to wait, so have some confidence: Act like we want you!
Lennon, 21
It’s exactly as you describe. Either she’s upset that you didn’t kiss her or upset that you did. For the most part, guys are obvious. If we like a girl, we focus on her, but if a girl likes a guy, she flirts with many others, not just him. And guys don’t mind if girls kiss them, but if a guy kisses a girl, you might as well have slapped her. Everyone freezes and assumes he’s crazy. If girls want power, they shouldn’t ridicule guys who ask them out. It’s mean and manipulative when they’ve been flirting with them.
DEAR MATT, JASON & TYLER: Can’t everyone just be nice?! You’ve articulated the “new” double standard. For years men had the green light to take advantage of women — but not anymore. Now there is huge support for females to be smarter, bolder, and more sexually confident than their male counterparts. The image of powerful provocative women running rough-shod over dull-witted men is everywhere. I agree it’s gone too far. You took your power back communicating with us. Now take it back communicating with the women you know. The playing field needs to be level, so tilt it back.
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August 13th, 2008
DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: I am a sophomore in high school and am really good friends with this boy I’ll call “Nick.” We hang in the same crowd and do all kinds of things together: stay the night, go to parties, talk on the phone. He’s been like my brother, but now I’m going crazy because I have a major crush on him. Do I ask him out? Will it ruin our friendship? Has anyone else been through this?
“Ali”
Kyle, 16
Most of my friends are girls and it would be awkward if one of them that I did not have similar feelings for, confessed to romantic feelings. Rarely can a friendship recover from that. Unless you are getting similar vibes from this guy, keep it to yourself. If you tell him, you risk losing him. A true friend will last for life, most high school relationships do not. Proceed with caution.
Hannah, 17
I went through this last year. I was good friends with this guy and when he broke up with his girlfriend, I shared my feelings. We went out for a few months but then it got awkward because the little things we used to do as “friends” became “couple things.” We broke up and now we’re not really friends anymore. The few months together weren’t worth the loss. Hold off and eventually your feelings for him will change and you will like someone else.
Bird, 17
I had a best friend like this and after his “confession of love” our friendship was damaged because I knew he was “settling” as my friend. Pay attention to Nick and see if he has an attraction to you, because if he does, you would have the most incredible relationship.
Dominic, 21
It’s not uncommon these days to have great friends of the opposite sex. I have many good friends who are girls — and these situations do sometimes become romantic. I say, follow your heart. If you are good enough friends it might be weird for a bit, but you’ll get over it, and if nothing else, you’ll have something to laugh about later.
Lennon, 21
Caution is always good when it comes to relationships. Wait and see if the feelings continue, and get a second opinion. You could also get clues by being really friendly, sitting close to him, etc.
Ashley, 20
I’ve been dating my best friend of eight years for a few months and it’s great because we know each other so well. Make hints to see if Nick shares your feelings. If he doesn’t and he’s a good friend, you guys should be able to get past that and still remain friends. But if you do start dating and then break up, can your friendship survive? That’s my question.
Emily, 16
For those friends who are brutally honest with their crushes, it never seems to turn out bad. Suggest a date for just the two of you. In the midst of a friendly conversation, come out and ask him if he’s ever considered you guys being more than friends. If he’s mature, he won’t make it awkward if he’s not interested.
DEAR “ALI”: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Brave New World of Male-Female Relationships isn’t out yet. Your generation is re-writing the rules of courtship so radically that, honestly, there is no single “right way” anymore. Use these years to learn what’s right for you. Try things. Be kind, be honest. Forgive yourself (and others) if things don’t work out. If you’re strong, take a bold approach. If you’re not, be more cautious. But avoid fantasies. They are destructive, addictive, and draining. Living in your head is bad news regardless of what universe you’re from. Either explore this fantasy with Nick, or move on.
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March 26th, 2008
DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: I’m 17 and it’s embarrassing, but I’ve never had a boyfriend, kissed a guy, or been on a date. I’m just not a flirty girl; I can’t stand girls who act all giddy around guys. I know I’m not ugly, but I have no self-confidence and no clue how to tell when a guy is interested in me. I’m crazy over this guy I sit next to in one of my classes. We talk every day. Sometimes it seems like he’s flirting with me, but I can’t be sure. Recently, I saw him at his job at In N Out. He didn’t see me. When I told him about it later, he said, “Next time, you better say hi to me.” In class, a girl passed him her number and he threw it out. Then she wrote, “Do you want to have sex.” Again, he threw it out. I’m nothing like that girl, but still, I’m hesitant to make the first move. What should I do? I’m impatient to be in a relationship.
“Tracy”
From Farren, 20:
I was a junior before I had my first boyfriend and first kiss. It was hard, but now I’m glad I waited. I’m not sure if this guy is flirting with you, but if he tells you to say hi when you see him at work, he is genuinely interested in you, or at least curious. Ask him if he wants to hang out or do homework together. It’s not too forward and it shows you are interested in getting to know him. He’s obviously looking for someone with personality, not just some girl who wants sex.
From Sawyer, 16:
Holy smokes, take a leap of faith! So what if you fall off the horse? Just get back on! To have self-confidence, you need to feel good about yourself. I run and work out and that makes me feel good about myself, inside and outside. Think about what you could do to feel better about yourself, then do it.
From Curtis, 16:
The best way to start a relationship is to start by being friends.
From Brie, 16:
If a guy is interested, he will find reasons to touch you, talk to you, be near you. You are too uptight. Be casual about it and get to know him as a friend. Say, “Hey, wanna hang out and do some homework?”
From Hannah, 16:
When a guy is flirting with you, you know it because he will hold your gaze a second too long. But stop overanalyzing and ask him to coffee as a friend. If he’s throwing those notes away he’s not looking for a girl like that, but for a girl like you.
From Lennon, 21:
Me thinks he probably likes you. He may be as nervous as you are. There were girls that wanted to have sex with me in high school, too, but knowing that didn’t boost my confidence. I still felt awkward and shy around the girl I liked. You either need to suck it up and ask him to do something, or learn to flirt so he can be more confident that you like him. You didn’t say hi to him at his work. He might think you’re just being nice to him in class
DEAR “TRACY:” Me thinks he might like you, too. I hope the panel’s advice is helpful. I couldn’t agree more with Sawyer’s suggestion to take up an appropriate activity that will build your self-confidence. I have also found confidence in the words of a wise friend who said, “If a relationship is meant to be, you really can’t do or say anything wrong.” There’s real truth to this. I hope it gives you the comfort to take some risks and enjoy what emerges, whether friendship or romance.
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