Straight Talk For Teens By Teens

Archive for the ‘bullying & hate’ Category

Catfights the new rage on campus

November 5th, 2008

DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: This girl at my high school is in love with my boyfriend and wants to fight me for him. Whenever she sees me she screams at me and threatens me. However, if her friends aren’t with her, she just glares. My school has had four catfights already this year and I don’t want to be next. How do I cool this down? I’m afraid she’ll hit me if I try to talk to her. My boyfriend thinks it’s a joke and won’t get involved. The advice from my teachers is, “Don’t walk around alone.” (Believe me, I don’t. I’m scared all the time). And the office won’t intervene unless there is action! My boyfriend and I are ready to split up over this — which is just what she wants! What should I do?

Scared in Sacramento

Shelby, 16

We’ve only had one catfight this year. If our principal even hears talk about fighting, you are called in to face your enemies. I was involved in one of these mediation sessions and both sides dropped the conflict. Our school’s zero-tolerance policy really works. You are suspended even for fighting verbally — and for fighting off-campus on weekends or holidays. Another rule is you have to be hit three times before you can defend yourself and not get suspended.

Hannah, 16

I’m no help. I have the same problem with a girl at my school. It’s so stupid. How is fighting me going to make my boyfriend like her? Boys aren’t attracted to that! There are a lot of catfights at my school, mostly over boys — and usually the boy doesn’t want either girl! My boyfriend doesn’t get how scary it is. He laughs off the situation, too. We’ve been breaking up and getting back together over it constantly. You’re right: it’s just what these girls want.

Elise, 17

My step-sisters have all been in catfights. One broke her nose, one got black eyes, another was almost stabbed with a knife. I suggest talking to this girl over the phone. If she only screams and threatens you when she’s with friends, she’s not as tough as she acts.

Lara, 17

I can see hating another girl with talk and gossip, but having the urge to fight? I wonder about the hormonal panels of some of these girls.

Jack 16:

If this was reversed and two guys liked the same girl, one guy would just go up to the other and be straight about it, there wouldn’t be all this dramatic build-up. In my social circle, a person who feels threatened by someone finds a mutual friend to mediate things and we work it out verbally.

Graham, 15

Stop stressing. There is usually dialogue before these fights. Don’t participate verbally and she won’t fight you.

Katie, 15

Catfights break out much more frequently than fights between boys. They start out verbally, and escalate. The fights are fast, vicious, and out of control. Bones are broken, mostly fingers and noses, but bigger ones, too, depending on rage level. There are no stereotypes as to who initiates a catfight. I watched a varsity cheerleader take on an emo kid. The girl in your situation is all talk; she just wants under your skin. Take a large group of friends with you, bonus if they’re in sports, and tell her you’re not looking for a fight, and that if she gives you one, you’ll have her arrested for assault. If her threats continue, call the cops on her.

DEAR SCARED: Do what Katie suggests: Call 911 next time she threatens you. Also, take this column to the office (anonymously, if need be), and tell the principal that his or her school just made the paper for not protecting against violence. Demand a policy like Shelby’s school. If nothing changes, write us back.

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When friends make rude comments about the handicapped

May 17th, 2006

Dear Straight Talk: I have a problem with one of my friends. “Celina” is always making rude comments to me about some kids at our school who are mentally handicapped. Sometimes she says things that are downright mean. Recently she made a comment about how a mentally handicapped girl was “freaky”. I have stuck up for these kids several times, but whenever I do, Celina says, “I’m entitled to my opinion. You shouldn’t get mad at me for what I think.”

I don’t know how to react to this. I know it’s wrong for Celina to make fun of these kids, but whenever she defends herself I can’t think of any way to tell her she’s wrong. Could you give me some advice as to what to say to her?—Tongue-tied

From Farren, 18: I’m glad somebody wrote about this, because I hear these rude comments all the time. It sounds like Celina is a bit on the ignorant side. It also sounds like you’ve tried your best to get her to realize that what she is saying is completely disrespectful. I don’t want to discourage you, but she may be stuck in her ways.

While she may feel there is no reason for you to be mad at her, I can see why you are. Bullying somebody for things they cannot control is rude and nasty. It’s sad to think that people cannot look past a handicap. You might try making your argument more personal, such as saying, “If you had a family member that was mentally handicapped you might feel differently.”

If nothing works, you may have to agree to disagree. If it was me, I would insist she stop making disrespectful comments around me or it could cause problems in our friendship.

From Geoff, 20: I had a similar problem with my first roommate. When I confronted him about using derogatory language toward gays, he said it was his right, his freedom of speech. This right to one’s own opinion is a great thing, but this freedom comes with a cost. In this case, the cost of Celina’s freedom of speech is a tax on your own morals and you have every right to be mad at her for that tax.

My roommate was inflexible and as I could not persuade him to think or act differently I ended up moving out.

Dear Tongue-tied: Geoff and Farren offer a solid approach to your dilemma. Standing up for what you think is right—even if it means standing alone—is an important part of becoming a leader. There is another approach that leaders use and if your friendship with Celina is important, I encourage you to try it. The concept is simple. Just as you have compassion for the mentally handicapped, stretch yourself to extend that compassion to Celina.

Celina’s attitude most likely stems from fear. People tend to judge what they fear most within themselves. Seeing the mentally handicapped probably triggers an unconscious fear that she herself is inadequate or unlovable at some level. The next time Celina makes a rude comment, ask her with genuine concern, “Do those kids frighten you?” As she becomes flustered, denying it, etc., stay with her and say, “At some level, they upset you. What’s so scary for you? You don’t think you’re like that do you?”

Our society conditions us to shut things down that we don’t agree with. Instead of shutting Celina down, show a sincere interest in her feelings and listen to her without judgment (which you can do without adopting her morals). This has the potential, more than any other approach, to disarm the situation and lead to positive change. Please let us know how it turns out.

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