May 7th, 2008
DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: I’m 15 and a sophomore in high school. My mom and dad are going through a divorce because my father is a depressed alcoholic and marijuana addict who refuses to seek help. I have kept hidden the fact that he used to beat me all the time and tell me he wished I were dead, but I recently told my mom about it. Despite his actions, my dad thinks we are very close. I guess he doesn’t see what he did as wrong. I want to completely cut him out of my life, but I feel guilty about this decision. I want to know if I am making the right choice.
K
Mariah, 16
You are making a very good choice and you should not feel guilty about it. My mom is a drug addict and alcoholic, too. Most of my childhood memories are of her in the living room drunk and depressed. When I was in kindergarten, she left us after cheating on my dad. In first grade he let her come back because he felt we children needed a mother figure even though she wasn’t a good one. But she left again and over the next two years, she kidnapped us twice and would do nothing to stop her boyfriend from beating up my brothers and his daughter from beating up me and my sisters. To this day my mother is an alcoholic and drug addict. I’m now a sophomore in high school and I didn’t have the guts to emotionally cut her off until now. I wish I’d done it a long time ago because it’s the smartest thing I’ve ever done. Now I see that none of this was ever my fault. I have a lot of depression and trust issues, but now, after cutting her off from my life, I am starting to deal with them.
Katrina, 15
You are making the right decision. I have nothing to do with my mother for many of the same reasons. I told her she has to enter rehab before I will have anything to do with her.
Britney, 15
You are making the right choice. I had a verbally abusive boyfriend once who thought it was normal to treat his girlfriend like a piece of trash. Every time I’d start to break up with him he would make me feel guilty and selfish, which I now realize was part of the manipulation abusers are known for. As in your situation, he honestly thought we had a close and normal relationship. Talk to more people about it, a police officer or your best friend. I told my best friend and she made me see that I deserved better. Physical abuse is totally wrong, morally and legally, and will hinder you from going forward with your life. As much as he begs you to forgive him, which he will, don’t fall for it.
DEAR K: Your father has beaten you repeatedly, told you he wished you were dead, and he assumes you are close. Isn’t abuse cozy? That you feel guilty over wanting to leave him is classic. Deep down, you feel ashamed that you weren’t “good enough” to win his love. This is the classic pattern that keeps victims in abusive relationships. They keep making excuses for the abuser so they can keep trying to win that love. Listen to the teen panel: Don’t fall for it. You will never win it. And until you emotionally separate yourself, you will not be able to work on healing the damage. (And you need to work it so you don’t hook up with an abusive boyfriend or husband, which is often the next step.) Bravo for telling your mother, now cut him out of your life and get yourself professional help. You deserve love, not abuse.
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August 1st, 2007
Dear Straight Talk: In reference to your column of June 27, there is another reason divorced or single mothers need to get over their inhibitions and give their sons the “sex talk.” In many families, “Mom” is the only person a son can go to for help if he is sexually molested. My mother re-married when I was 11 and I was molested by her husband from age 12 to 14. I finally found the courage to stand up to my stepfather’s sick game, but to this day, my mother knows nothing about it. Sex was such a taboo topic between us that it made it virtually impossible to tell her. Had I been able to tell her, I believe she would have protected me and dumped him, but there was an unwritten code that, as an adolescent male, you didn’t discuss sexual topics with your mother.
I’m now grown and have done a lot of counseling. Men molesting boys is more common than people think. Boys hold things in more than girls, so the culture doesn’t hear about it as much. Mothers need to tell their sons they can come to them for any reason, including this one. — Dan, 55, El Dorado Hills
From Mary, 17: I know about being silenced, too. I was raped at 11 and didn’t talk about it till I was 14. And yes, it was my mom I went to. The rapist was a substitute teacher at my school. He kept me quiet with something like, “If you tell anyone I will kill you,” or “I will kill your family.” The words I remember exactly were, “You should be happy because you will never be touched by a man like this ever,” and “You’re such a whore.”
When it happened I tried to pretend I wasn’t there and afterward I thought nobody would believe me. I was so ashamed. I thought I was a whore and that I deserved it. (The thought still crosses my mind.) By eighth grade, I couldn’t hide from it anymore so I told my mother. Now this man is being taken to court. Some say I should attend for closure, but I don’t want to. I see a counselor and talk to friends about it. I even gave a speech on it. I will probably deal with it the rest of my life, but I try not to let it control me.
From Mariah, 15: My parents didn’t speak to me about molestation until recently, and I’m almost 16. I think parents should have this talk early because things like this can happen when you’re really young.
From Jarrad, 18: What your stepfather did is disgusting and deserves consequences. It’s great that you had the nerve to stand up to him and I hope your letter gives other kids the power to tell someone — if not their mom or dad, then the police. What this man did to you was wrong and everyone knows it is wrong. For any kid out there reading this, your predator’s threats and accusations are lies. Because you’re young, you believe them and let them silence you. None of it is your fault and you’re not being tied up, so tell on them!
Dear Dan: I am broadcasting your message loud and clear. Sexual predators don’t want to get caught, but that’s too bad. What you and the teen panel said today is sure to empower victims of molest to tell on their abusers. I agree that if parents include this topic in the “sex talk,” their sons and daughters will be more apt to tell someone if molestation is occurring — or, even better, to stand up to the abuser before it happens. In my opinion, age-appropriate, empowering conversations around molestation should begin early, around age 4 or 5, keeping in mind that it is usually not strangers who molest children but someone close to the child.
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February 22nd, 2006
Dear Straight Talk: I read your column out loud to my eighth grade son each week and it’s a great way to discuss sensitive issues. Recently you covered groping, where middle school boys get away with groping girls in halls and classrooms. I must say, I was shocked! I told my son if he engaged in behavior like this I would be absolutely appalled.
I’m writing because you did not put the blame on those boys. You handed the responsibility to the girls even though they were the victims. I don’t care how developed the girl, how low-cut the blouse, how much the girl is flirting, or whether or not she says “no”, boys need to be taught that groping is wrong under any circumstances.—Appalled
Dear Appalled: You’re right. I did the boys no favor. I got so involved empowering the girls to not be victims (i.e., to notice how they are dressing, notice their body language, defend themselves by saying “no”, or going to a higher authority), that I failed to speak to the boys. Boys have no more right to grope than they do to commit date rape, another crime that gets scant attention. Our “boys will be boys” mentality is very destructive—and I will say, at this point in history, it is our boys who are the biggest victims of this mentality.
Boys today are in big trouble. Of all adolescent suicides, 86% are committed by boys. As those boys grow to be men, the trend continues. In 2001, of Americans of all ages who committed suicide, 81% were male. Suicide experts argue that the statistics are misleading because just as many females attempt suicide but their methods are not as effective (they tend to use pills and knives as opposed to guns and rope). However, I find it significant that it is our boys and men who overwhelmingly complete the job. The girls are crying for help—and getting it. The boys are beyond crying
This may be a stretch from where we started (groping in middle school), but I see a thread. How can we protect our sons from falling victim to the idea that it’s okay to impose your will on someone you perceive as weaker, and then laugh about that person afterward? (This was the description of the groping.) Psychologically, you have to feel weak and powerless yourself to engage in such behavior.
I would like us to start paying more attention to our boys. Female oppression is blatant and this transparency led to the women’s movement some 60 years ago—with incredible results. But oppression is an interlocking system between parties playing roles of “perpetrator” and “victim”. These opposite roles cloud that fact that the whole system is oppressive. In our zeal to label women as victims, we have ignored the fact that men, too, are victims of a system that conditions them to act as perpetrators.
Thank you for writing and for reading the columns to your son. Our children are listening, looking to us for guidance. Our boys need it more than ever.
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