Straight Talk For Teens By Teens

My first “stepmom,” “Carmen,” was always trying to act young and popular and would hang out with me and my sisters like she was a teenager herself. It came off as really fake. She constantly interrupted conversations I was having with my dad leaving me almost no one-on-one time with him. She did lots of inappropriate things, too, like showing me her lingerie, talking bad about my mom, taking favorites among us kids, and expecting her daughter and me to be “best friends.” Also, my bedroom was next to theirs and there was no regard for the fact that I could hear them having their “fun.” Finally, when they broke up, she wanted the gifts she had given me back.

The second one, “Molly,” had no kids of her own, and was always pushing her opinions, telling us how to be feminine, giving us tips on how to live. (Never try to mimic a real mother!) She was always interrupting me, wanted me to look at websites she was interested in and be her entertainment when my dad was gone. She was a great cook, however, which was a real plus.

The third, “Jasmine,” is the best. She’s not too pushy, she doesn’t try to be our mom, she’s open to doing things with us but she doesn’t feel bad if we don’t want to.

Hot tip: All three talk, or talked, way too much! Notice when our eyes glaze over and don’t drag conversations out.

When my stepmother entered the picture, it took forever to get used to her. Take it slow, give the kids space to breath — while ensuring them you’re there. Leave disciplinary actions to the real parents. I never listened when my stepmom yelled at me. The best thing my stepmother did was to be a friend I could talk to rather than a parent. With this approach, I grew to respect her and she eventually became one of my best friends.

When my dad remarried, I was explicit that his wife was not my mother and never would be. It wasn’t anything against her; I just didn’t want anybody trying to fill that role. Once we were clear on this, she and I got along swimmingly. Take the role of a friend or mentor and don’t take it personally if the kids don’t warm up to you completely.

My father’s girlfriend does not try to be our mother. She’s open to the way we’ve always lived, helps out, is friendly and available if you need advice, and offers rides to whoever needs them. She does talk a lot, though, and sometimes I wish I could escape. The best thing is she does not feel like WE have to adapt to HER. You’re the newcomer, accept the kids as they are, don’t try to change things. Little things, like moving plates around in cabinets, can really bug us.

Both of my parents remarried when I was in my teens and there were many awkward power struggles. Don’t instruct, just be a role model. Create a loving, patient, and supportive environment, be a unified front with their dad, and don’t try to replace their mother.