Parents help teens manage powerful forces
Feb 27Dear Straight Talk: Regarding the recent columns on drugs and sex, I have to say that parents set their kids up to lie to them. Most parents are so stressed about having perfect kids that if their kids do any experimenting they reject them. Parents have no clue how prevalent weed, alcohol, and sex are in high school and college. My mom understood this and while she didn’t condone things, if I went to a party (yes, things do happen at these parties), we stayed in communication and she would come get me if things got too crazy. Her trust in me kept things in moderation. Most kids just lie and their parents are naïve. Worst of all, because there is no honest communication, the kids don’t get help.
19, Sacramento
Dear Sacramento: You’re right. What happens is parents confuse unconditional love and open dialogue with condoning. Alcohol, drugs, sex — all have huge negative consequences and cannot be condoned. But since most teens are experimenting with one or more of these things, parents who form an open, loving dialogue with their teen, while setting clear boundaries, have the best chance of being a positive influence. (Parents: it is your responsibility to create this dialogue! Your teen needs help learning to manage these powerful, prevalent forces — the ability to do so is what makes them successful adults.)
From Farren, 20:
Watching my friends, I feel extremely fortunate to be raised by parents who understood the reality of underage experimentation. Yet, I have friends who were raised in strict households and they’re on the right track, too. The key lies in trust and communication. Parents can be strict as long as the children can openly communicate with them and know they are loved, mistakes and all. This means parents must practice unconditional parenting, i.e., you set boundaries, but you’re also ready to accept your child’s mistakes.
From Sara, 19
This throws me back to senior year when I couldn’t tell my dad about my abortion. The big thing is having a trusting relationship with a parent. That person was my mother, whom I lost at age 15. Dad and I did not have that relationship. I feared losing his support, so I would lie. Looking back, something horrible could have happened and no one would have known where I was.
From Kendal, 21
The super-strict, harsh parents have the kids who lie the most and are most out-of-line. My mom always said that if I was honest with her she would trust me. When, at 17, I started using weed and drinking I told her. She told me to call if I ever needed a ride. When I lost my virginity, I told her. She asked about protection. She wasn’t approving, but she was realistic. Because I’m close to my parents, I never had to lie. Their trust helped me keep things in moderation. I’m frustrated by parents who think, “my girl would never have sex,” or “my kid won’t do that stuff’.” Get a clue. Your kid needs you. Don’t condone their experimenting, but realize it’s probably happening.
From Bird, 17
I lied like a rug to my mother. With my cell phone she couldn’t tell where I was. When she caught on to my lifestyle, it tortured her for awhile. Then she told me she would rather not know the details, she just wanted me to make smart choices, and if I put myself in jail she wouldn’t come get me.
From Nicole, 18
I’d say 98 percent of all teenagers lie to their parents on a regular basis. They’d like to be honest but they can’t because their parents will get angry. My parents were nonjudgmental and understanding and I told them everything. They never got mad or told me not to do it again. They had faith in me.
