Mom plans to marry her girlfriend
Apr 16DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: I’m in eighth grade and I cannot go to school and face my friends. The other night I was supposed to be at my dad’s but I got dropped off at my mother’s unexpectedly and now I know that my mom and her best friend are lesbians. You don’t even want the details. “Kathryn” left immediately, then Mom came and found me in the garage and she told me that they love each other and want to get married. I called my dad and he came and got me. I’ve just been staying in my room and they don’t know what’s wrong with me. I need some answers. Like, how did my mom become a lesbian? I mean, she married my dad and had me. They were together until I was 10. I can’t stand Kathryn now. All this time I thought she was just my mom’s best friend and now I have to watch them kiss goodbye in the morning? I just want to live with my dad. I can barely move and I don’t know who to talk to. Please write back.
Kim
Bird, 17
Walking in on a parent is difficult enough, but you’re also dealing with the fact that your mother has re-identified her sexuality. There are gay people who falsely stay in a heterosexual relationship their whole lives. To know if this is your mother’s story, talk to her or write her a letter asking every possible question. She owes you honest answers. Keep in mind this is your mother’s choice. Though it does affect you, it isn’t you.
Megan, 19
The fact that your mother is a lesbian obviously disturbs you. If you don’t feel comfortable at her house, don’t force it. Eventually, though, you’ll have to come to terms with the fact that she loves this woman. If she is happy all you can do is love and support her as her daughter.
Sawyer, 17
I’m for keeping a family together, but this wouldn’t work for me either. I would respect my mother’s decision, but I would move in with my dad. I wouldn’t be around that type of influence — and it is an influence. People think it’s not, but nonsmokers who hang with smokers tend to start smoking, thin people who hang with obese people tend to start overeating. These are facts. It is amazing if you don’t get influenced by who you are around. By the time I’m a parent, I want my act cleaned up.
Ashley, 20
I’ve never had a problem with gays or lesbians, but I don’t know how I would react if it was my own mother. If you can talk to her, do it. Or talk to someone else. People are quite tolerant these days and your real friends will support you.
Nicole, 18
There is nothing wrong with same-sex marriages. Accept your mom’s decision. Be happy that she is finally true to herself.
Lennon, 21
It’s weird when parents get divorced and go gay or lesbian. It seems like you’d figure this out before you married a member of the opposite sex. If this happened with my mom, my brain would explode.
DEAR KIM: Whose brain wouldn’t? Your reaction is totally natural. In addition to what the teen panel wrote, here are two rules: 1) You always have the right to live where you feel emotionally and physically safe; 2) you are never obligated to keep your parents’ secrets. Don’t hold this inside and don’t take it on. Go to school. Talk to the school counselor about it. And please know: even if you can’t accept your mother’s lifestyle, and choose not to live with her, you will feel a hundred percent better if you love her anyway.
Geoff
“I wouldn’t be around that type of influence - and it is an influence. People think it’s not, but nonsmokers who hang with smokers tend to start smoking, thin people who hang with obese people tend to start overeating. These are facts. It is amazing if you don’t get influenced by who you are around.”
This is the classic False Analogy argument where x is proved to be true through several citations (even the logic here is shaky), and that suddenly “y” works the same as x.
Please be careful when comparing sexual preference to hanging out with fat people, or smokers.
But yeah, I’m sure many people would love to talk about the choice vs genetics argument. Genetics aside though, who is to say that that “choice” is a *bad* influence? In ancient Greece, bisexual relationships were very normal. Married men and women had gay and lesbian partners. I hope we’re not pretending to have some sort of moral compass that is above history/culture/religion.
And on the other side, is there a conscious decision about who you like? Are you really influenced by people who have differing views on sexuality? Do you see a girl on the street and go “oh, well, let me check with my inner-essence; oh good, i’m a heterosexual today, best keep that intact”. NO!!! That’s the silliest thing in the world. We are a fractured soul, at best, and no “influence” from a homosexual friend/mother/daughter/relative is going to save you from having to deal with the inner turmoil that goes along with being human and living in a diverse, cultured land.
And no, you can’t catch the gay bug.
I understand sexuality can be socially influenced (but let us not forget the many number of people who have recently come out who were brought up in a strict, conservative home with not much outside influence).
There is no “virus” to catch. This is why I refer to our fractured soul, our inability to realize (or rejection of the fact) that we have no pure essence of being. We simply change our minds. And let me put emphasis on the self in that last sentence.
Do do people fear changing their minds?
Farren
I think the real route of Sawyers thing is not about whether homosexuality is constructed or based on genetic disposition, but rather influence being “bad”.
He equates homosexuality with a “bad” influence. that type of thinking is retarded. Gender/sexual identity is constructed by societal norms and social institutions, however society is moving away from the heterosexual norm, along with nuclear family unit. Sawyer’s views are even somewhat archaic
Janet S-E
I think it would be very hard to find out your parent are gay or lesbian in the most rational of ways. Walking in on your mom makes it worse and to find her with someone you thought was just her bestfriend only adds to the difficulty in my opinion. You got unsettling information in an uncomfortable and surprising way (you were unprepared) and on top of that there is an element of deceit. All this time her friend was portrayed as a straight woman to you and this was a lie.
So know there are a lot of elements that went in to making a hard situation harder. Lean on those you can for support and understanding just as I imagined you might have when your parents divorced. This is an event of that magnitude; try as much as you can to honestly deal with it rather than running from it. This is because you as the runner will get the shin splints, not your mom.
Babz
Dear Straight Talk,
Yes, I too was affected by my friend’s sudden change of sexuality. About 20 years ago, I had a drinking buddy named Teri. We were moms, I was single and she was married with 3 kids and lived across the road in and owned the barn where I boarded my horse. We rode our horses together in the nearby fields and had a lot of fun. We’d often drink and ride. Well anyways she got sober, decided she was a lesbian, and left her husband of 13 years. Then she kissed me one night when we were drinking wine around my kitchen table. I was totally grossed out and told her so. She didn’t seem too distressed. We stayed friends for many years, but I had to draw the line in the sand with my sexual preference. Her kids were not very happy about her change either and went to live with dad after awhile. Babz
Mariah
I know that this has traumatized you, but there is nothing wrong with lesbians. Your mom has just found someone she can be with and who she can be herself around and she feels loved. My sisters frined’s uncle is gay. He was married and had children with his wife and at the age of 40 or so, divorced her and announced that he was gay. I know it bothered his son, but his dad was happy and as long as they aren’t affectionate with each other around him he is okay with it. Tell your mom it make you uncomfortable, and that you can deal with them being together but not the marriage part. Marriage is a big deal, and if they love each other enough they can wait till you are older and move out. There realy is nothing you can do besides to come to terms with your mom and negotiate the situation.