Divorced dad gets help winning back estranged daughter
Mar 12DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: My daughter, “Paige,” is 14. Her mother and I divorced four years ago and my ex has always said ugly things about me. Somehow Paige seemed to know these things weren’t true and we had a great relationship. Three months ago, Paige was very disrespectful to me over the phone and I told her I wouldn’t tolerate such behavior. I cut off her cell phone after a threat to do so. During this time, I was pursuing a new custody agreement to prevent my ex from using the children to gouge me financially. Paige told me to stop pursing the new agreement or she’d never see me again. I tried to explain why I couldn’t do this and now she won’t talk to me except to threaten to ask a judge to let her refuse visitation with me. What should I do?
Paige’s dad
DEAR PAIGE’S DAD: I hope you study each word by Beau, Jennifer, and Bird. Advice on this topic doesn’t get better. As for Shelby’s advice: it’s a harsh delivery, but you can take it to the bank.
From Beau, 18
My parents divorced when I was one, and I constantly went back and forth between homes. Children think they are responsible for their parents’ divorce, and in a custody battle they think they must love one parent more than the other. Since your daughter can’t safely show affection for you around her mom, she sets up a defense mechanism that shuts you out. I’ve been there. My mom talked bad about my father, too, and I felt I had to agree with her to be safe. Just remember, your daughter loves you. Give her some space while gently reassuring her that you’re there. Don’t talk bad about her mother, and above all, tell her/show her that you love her at every opportunity. My dad eventually became one of my closest friends. He gave me space and he was there for me no matter what.
From Shelby, 16
Shutting off her cell because of one rude conversation was about the stupidest thing you could do! A girl’s cell is her life! For starters, hook her phone back up.
From Jennifer, 14
She is going to want to see you. Let her cool off for three weeks or so, to where she starts feeling bad about what she said. Then turn on her cell and ask her to lunch. Discuss how her life is going — and please, seem interested! Tell her you want her to be happy and to be with you. Ask what she likes to do, then do those things with her. (Hint: No 9,000-mile hikes! Maybe bowling, movies, shopping, something a 14-year-old girl likes — and let her bring a friend.) When you’re winning her back, don’t have your girlfriend or wife around; give her time just with you. Don’t speak badly about her mom, and don’t ask, “What’s your mom saying to you?” Finally, apologize. But don’t say, “I don’t know what I did to make you so mad.” That’s not an apology, that’s placing blame back on her.
From Bird, 17
My father and I had the worst relationship. He favored my little brother who was easier to deal with than his 12-year-old daughter, who just wanted to be on the phone or go to the mall. I remember (with regrets) saying, “I wouldn’t care if my father died.” I despised his girlfriend and wouldn’t stay at his house because of her. Now my dad accepts that and makes time just for me. Somehow our harsh conflict has made me cherish him and we get along better than ever. He treats me like an adult and we talk on a mature level. Regarding the new custody agreement, if it is morally right, push on with it. Your daughter will eventually understand.
