Archive for January, 2008
January 30th, 2008
Dear Straight Talk: My dad hates my boyfriend, who I will call Matt. I am 17, a senior in high school. Matt is 19, he has graduated and works making $300 a week. I have known him almost my whole life. My dad has known him a long time, too, but he doesn’t see the side of him my friends and I see. I think it is partly personality and partly the fact that he doesn’t want me to grow up. Matt and I really care about each other. He is always there to support me and has helped me through extremely hard times. Matt’s dad thinks we make a really cute couple, but my dad doesn’t even know we are dating. How do I tell my dad I’m seeing Matt when I know he hates him? — Candice, West Virginia
From Hannah, 16: Ha! This is a common question among my friends. I am the youngest in my family and as I grew up I noticed this reaction by my parents toward my older sister’s boyfriends and now I notice it with me. Basically, my mom and dad do not like the boy until we decide he is not for us. Be patient; if it is meant to be and you end up marrying him, they’ll come around. Until then, it’s hard enough to find a boy you like who likes you back, so give up on the idea of finding one who is also adored by your parents.
From Nicole, 18: Communication is very important in a family and, unfortunately, is lacking in many. Tell your father what you are doing and how you feel about your boyfriend. Make sure your father knows that he treats you well and would never hurt you.
From Betsy, 19: If you’re sure you want to be with Matt, tell your dad you are committed to being with him with or without his support. If your dad sees how much you like him, he’ll know it’s better to support you rather than judge him. At least that’s the hope. Be up front about it. Hiding it will only make things worse.
From Mary, 17: You’re daddy’s little girl and he’s never going to like who you are with. It’s his job to protect you. Show him that Matt makes you happy. Even if your dad doesn’t like him, if he makes you happy, he will not stand between you. At least that is how it worked with my father.
From Mariah, 15: Your dad is just looking out for you and wants the best for you. Tell your dad you two are dating and ask him what it is about Matt that he truly dislikes.
From Bird 17: Be honest with you father! He isn’t supposed to like your boyfriends. You are his little girl so why would he want you to be with another boy? When you talk to him about Matt, let him know how good he is to you. The longer you are with Matt in a healthy relationship the sooner your dad will ease up, but if you hide him, your dad can’t see what you see.
Dear Candice: I always say if you are not mature enough to tell your parents the truth about your relationships, you are probably not mature enough to be in them. Your dad doesn’t hate Matt, but he can see you have feelings for Matt and is trying to discourage you. Maybe this is because you are “daddy’s little girl” or maybe there are other reasons. Ask yourself these questions: Does Matt abuse drugs? If he drinks, does he get drunk? Does he ever drive while intoxicated? Is he respectful to his mother? Is he jealous, violent, or controlling? Your honest answers will tell you what is going on.
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January 23rd, 2008
Dear Straight Talk: I’m 17 and I’m pregnant. I was using a birth control shot. I have tons of support, especially from my mother, to make my own choice and I am confident in my decision to have a medicinal abortion. The problem is my boyfriend. He is my age but has no grasp of what I’m going through and I don’t know how to talk to him about it. Earlier I was confused and blamed the pregnancy on him. We are nearly breaking up over this. Am I being selfish? He says he doesn’t want it so why are we having so many problems? — No name please
Dear No name: He was playing with fire and got caught. You both were. The difference is, he can run and you can’t — which makes him antsy and you scrambling to point fingers. I’m very happy you told your mother. If you decide to keep the baby, contact Child Support Services in your county directory. By law, the father must pay child support until the child is 18. Read on.
From Emily, 15: You’re not selfish. It’s easy for guys to run away. They are not stuck with the weight, the moral decisions, the responsibility. He is the selfish one for not wanting to be involved. But neither of you should have to worry about abortion and parenthood right now, you should be thinking about your next test or this weekend’s movie. Nonetheless, he needs to step up and become a man. If that’s not going to happen, it’s time to move on and do what YOU think is best.
From Rose, 20: When I was 17 some of my friends got pregnant. The ones who had abortions were glad they did, but also said they would never have one again. The ones who had their babies still struggle a lot — even those with family support. In your situation, there is no wrong or selfish choice.
From Peter, 20: Ultimately it is your choice, that’s the final answer. However, blaming the pregnancy on him was wrong. While he has no clue what you’re going through, you have no clue what he’s going through, either. Just because he’s a guy doesn’t mean he isn’t running the whole field of emotions, too.
From Megan, 18: I’ve known couples who have gone through abortions together and made it work. Really talk with him, don’t hold your emotions back. You probably both have feelings about this that you haven’t told each other.
From Mary, 17: It’s his kid as much as yours. Have an abortion, keep it, give it up for adoption, no one can tell you what to do, but you TWO need to do it together. My friend, who is 16, just found out she is pregnant; she has to go it alone as the father isn’t around anymore.
From Bird, 17: I recently went through this, too. My mother said, “I cannot help you make this choice. It’s your choice alone.” I was so depressed Fischer Price commercials would make me cry. Telling my boyfriend was seriously harder than telling my mother. He told all our friends I was pregnant, yet he wouldn’t go to Planned Parenthood with me. When I asked what he wanted to do, he said, “Get rid of it. If you keep it, that’s your choice.” His insensitivity broke our relationship. We are the same age but I’m an emancipated minor attending college and I’ve been working since I was 14. He is unemployed, waiting to get into a G.E.D. program because he was kicked out of high school. He didn’t want to get a job even knowing a child of his might be born. For me, an abortion was the right decision. The choice isn’t supposed to be easy, nor is the process, but it made me stronger.
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January 16th, 2008
Dear Straight Talk: I have fallen in love with my algebra teacher. The problem is she is 30 and I am 16. I feel that she really likes me, and more than that, I feel like she wants me. What should I do? Should I ask her to dinner or just make a move? — Dominic
Dear Dominic: I thought your letter was a spoof until I asked the teen panel about it. They say it all.
From Kenny, 19: I don’t think this is a spoof. Lots of my friends in high school had crushes on teachers and “MILFs,” as they’re now called. The media projects these “forbidden” relationships and they are awakened in the population. It happened to me, too. The teacher was really sweet and caring and at that age it was all about hormones, which, of course, fueled my mind. Fortunately, I did not act on it.
From Mary, 17: You’re 16! You think she wants you because of all the lustful thoughts in your head. Don’t ask her out, you will look like a fool. Sorry, but someone has to be harsh.
From Mariah, 16: Have you even talked? You might be misunderstanding her. Regardless, think about the consequences. If you engage in a non-professional act she could lose her job and her career.
From Sawyer, 16: You’re really cocky. Some of my friends get worked up over older women and if I didn’t know a woman’s age I might too, but having the awareness like you do, I just can’t get into it.
From Shelby, 16: Plain and simple don’t ask her to dinner or make a “move” because 1) she will reject you; 2) it will be weird the rest of the year; or 3) if she went out with you, she would get fired; and 4) you would feel bad.
From Farren, 20: I don’t doubt the feelings you have for your teacher, or the feelings she has for you. But even if the age of consent is 16 in your state, do not instigate things. It is extremely easy for teachers to get caught up in situations like these. While I believe everyone should have the opportunity to love without boundaries, there are many relationships that need to remain professional in order to preserve trust, respect, and integrity. If you can already honestly say she has feelings for you, your relationship has already crossed a line. The only solution is to ignore your feelings for her. While it is completely inappropriate for a teacher to solicit a student, it is also your responsibility as a student not to tempt her.
From Bird, 17: Take your role as a student. To be with a teacher will jeopardize her career and you wouldn’t want to do that to the woman you love. If you are completely serious, wait until you graduate and then ask her on a date.
From Nicole, 18: Many young guys have fantasies about older women. If your feelings continue, make a move after high school is over.
From Britney, 16: I was actually in situation like this with a counselor. I honestly felt we had a great connection and it took a lot of convincing from my friends to make me realize it wasn’t right for a teenage girl to be in a “more-than-friends relationship” with this man. I saw the light when I asked myself, if he is so great, why is he interested in a girl half his age? Why isn’t he with an amazing woman his own age? Our relationship was bound for failure. The only relationship that could come from it was a physical one, and now I’m pretty sure that’s what was on his mind. You may be okay with that, but it is illegal most places and unethical everywhere.
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