Teens, by nature, are “riders on the storm”
Jul 4Dear Straight Talk: I’m 13 and I like your column a lot. I wanted to write in and say that a big thing parents do wrong is they forget how deeply kids feel their emotions. Think about when a parent yells at their kid: ten minutes later, it’s like nothing ever happened. But for the kid, the words continue to sting. That’s why we glare at you when you tuck us into bed saying, “I love you” just minutes after you’ve called us names and told us how disappointed in us you are. You might be over it, but those words hurt and we’re still feeling it.
Teenagers definitely over-dramatize things; that’s the way we are. Parents need to realize this and give us space to vent. If there is a conflict and the parent reacts by “losing it” and then wants to apologize for the damaging things he or she said, do it briefly with something like: “Sorry I said those things, my bad. Love you.” Make it short. Don’t reopen the subject right then. After everyone has slept and things have cooled, you can approach the subject more fully. You need to give teenagers time to lick their wounds. — Jessica
Dear Jessica: How are teenagers like bad firecrackers? Their fuses are way too short and when they explode, it ain’t pretty.
Pardon my bad seasonal joke — that was for the parents reading this.
For you, I say thank you. What you’ve written is a great reminder to parents to not let their teenager’s “youthful explosions” throw them off balance. Parents must restrain themselves from exploding back and instead find the inner calm to decipher the message within the explosion (yes, it really is there), and approach the situation fairly and constructively. (Pointing out your teen’s positive qualities falls in this category. Depending on the situation, being angry or stern is also acceptable. Blowing up and calling your child names is not.)
In the guidebook for parents, Surviving & Thriving with your Adolescent, Penni Sparks says that parenting a teen is like piloting a ship through stormy seas. The teen is the storm, and it is the parent’s job to be “captain” and hold the ship steady while the storm rages. If the parent “storms,” too, the ship goes down.
Your advice is excellent. The height of the downpour is no time for parents to attempt negotiations. And firing cannonballs at firecrackers is an abuse of power that hurts long after the storm has passed.
From Katie, 13: Jessica is right. The last thing that I want to do when my parents and I have a conflict is discuss it further when I am still angry. I need time to calm down and my parents often make the mistake of forcing me to sit down and talk for another hour and a half about whatever they want to, just like nothing happened.
From Peter, 20: I think this is exactly right. It is easy for me to recall particularly hurtful moments in my life that involved my parents making an off-hand comment that ended up stinging a lot more than they meant. I’ll probably recall these comments for a long time to come. Even though we might not act like we’re listening, we almost always are.
From Farren, 19: When parents argue with their kids in a disrespectful and hurtful way, kids take it personally, but when a teen says hurtful things to their parent, that parent feels hurt, too, sometimes more than you would expect. Parents don’t have a guide-book for raising kids, they make mistakes and let their authority get the best of them. Except for cases of negligent parents, it is my firm belief that most parents are doing the best they can and teens need to remember that. It won’t be long before they are parents, too, and will experience first-hand how hard it is to manage a healthy relationship with their own kids.
