High-achieving females hide stress even from themselves
Jun 20Dear Straight Talk: In a recent column about counseling (5/9/2007) it was mentioned that high-achieving females needed more understanding and care than other “high-risk” types. I’m concerned that my daughter, 16, might be one of these females. Can you describe in more detail what “at risk” looks like in a high-achieving female? My daughter is excelling in academics, sports, theater, and has a lot going on socially. I’m very proud of her, but how can I tell if her lifestyle is unhealthy, or if it is just her being all she can be? Also, if I thought she should take life a little easier, how would I get her to do this?—SuperDaughter’s mother
Dear SuperDaughter’s mother: Kathleen Snyder, the Suicide Prevention Coordinator who ran the early-intervention counseling program to which you refer, says to look for changes in the high-achiever’s usual behavior and watch her reaction to things. Snyder says, “At-risk perfectionists will settle for nothing less than perfection. If the high achiever gets 93 percent on a test, they focus on the 7 percent they missed and what a stupid person they are. If they place second in an athletic event, they are so dumb, they should have tried harder and they would have won. They negate their incredible successes if it is not perfect. Body weight often plays a role. Unless these girls see themselves as thin enough, they aren’t good enough.”
These are some of the identifying behaviors of an at-risk high-achiever. A high-achiever who is not at risk is happy with her success and body image even if the success and body image aren’t perfect. In other words, doing well and looking good are not crimes against doing great and looking impossibly greater.
High achievers with at-risk components to their behavior typically are in mind-boggling denial of them and it usually requires someone from the outside to spot them. Trust yourself. If you see the signs—or are in doubt—get thy daughter to a counselor! A counselor can help her recognize and adjust her own behavior (whereas if you try, it can lead to further denial—as you know, high-achievers can be very hard-headed). If she has resistance to seeing a counselor, leverage one of her activities or use financial incentive to make it happen.
From Farren, 19: First, think critically about these questions: Do your daughter’s activities make her happy, or would another activity fit her better? Does she have an activity where she can “let go” and have fun? Is she happy within the family? Do you tell her regularly how proud of her you are? Is there someone close she can talk to?
Next, approach your daughter without judgment and ask her how she is doing. Don’t take “fine” for an answer, get in and communicate with her. It is extremely easy for teens to hide their stress.
Don’t expect that she will slow down because she probably won’t. Instead, take over some aspects of her life to make things easier for her. As a parent, you are her number one helper. And don’t forget to talk to her about values, ideas, and morals. Your wisdom is indispensable to her.
From Laura, 20: If your daughter’s activities aren’t interfering with her health or happiness, let her decide how much she can handle. Unless she is pressured by a parent, the desire to succeed is often an intrinsic part of one’s personality. Your daughter may thrive on a level of activity, competition, and achievement that would exhaust a less driven person and it would be a disservice to fight against her nature.
From Shelby, 15: I’m involved in two sports, drama, school, event planning, and balancing time with friends. Yes, it is a lot, but it makes me feel like I am doing something. If your daughter’s grades are good and she is having fun with her activities, don’t tell her she is doing too much. If she is like me, she will just take on more to prove you wrong.
