Archive for December, 2007
December 26th, 2007
Dear Straight Talk: I am living with a foster family because my mother can’t stop drinking. Last Christmas, she and my stepfather, “Grant,” got really drunk and started fighting. My mother would always start the fights and would try to get Grant to hit her. This time I thought Grant was going to kill her. I was hiding with my little sister and brother in a cupboard and Mom was screaming for me to get the police. As I ran to the door, Grant grabbed me so Mom smashed him over the head with a stick of firewood. He went ballistic and threw her right through the living room window out into the snow. There was blood and glass everywhere. The Christmas tree fell into the fire and was burning but I ran to the neighbors anyway but they wouldn’t open the door. Then the cops came and took Grant away. While he was in jail, we moved back to California. I wish my mother would quit drinking. How can I get her to stop? Maybe this letter will help people not drink so much. — I am 13
Dear 13: The holidays can be a recurring nightmare for children of alcoholic parents. If even one alcoholic parent sees themselves in your letter you have done a huge service. You have only one responsibility. It is not to solve your mother’s drinking problem. It is to make sure the pattern of addiction stops with you. As children of alcoholics grow up, many begin abusing alcohol or drugs themselves in order to escape their emotions — or so they can “deal with” the alcoholic. Ask your foster parents to take you to Al Anon meetings so you can get perspective on being a child of an alcoholic and not pass this “gift” to your own children. I also hope you find something useful in the teen replies below.
From Katrina, 15: I told my mother I will have nothing to do with her until she starts a program for recovering alcoholics. Sadly these things don’t go away overnight. I no longer live with my mother either. I used to hide in closets while she and my dad fought until they passed out. About six years ago my stepmother moved in, my dad stopped getting drunk, and they enlightened me as to alcohol abuse. Later, I moved in with my aunt and she talked to me about it, too, and sent me to counseling which helped with issues I didn’t even know I had. Just talking to someone can help.
From Mariah, 16: My mother has been an alcoholic as long as I can remember — and she gets violent, too. The fights with my dad were over nothing, but things got thrown into walls, and the yelling never seemed to stop. I would isolate myself and pretend it wasn’t happening. When I was 11 she left us for good. I wrote her a letter when I was 13 telling her how I felt and asking why she had done certain things, but she lied about those things. When I was 15, I was allowed to visit her if she wasn’t drinking, but even when I visited, she usually had to have at least one beer. I love my mother, but she made the choice that she wanted booze more than her children.
Talking about it, writing poetry, singing, these are all great ways to help deal with the stress alcoholic parents put on children. Don’t bottle up your feelings because that can cause depression. I was so depressed up until seventh grade when I wrote her a letter and about ten poems. I had thrown them away but my stepmother found them and encouraged me to send them. That helped a lot. Now I write poetry on a regular basis and it helps me stay happy.
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December 19th, 2007
Dear Readers: World peace and ending hunger, the most wished-for things of the 60s, 70s and 80s, are considered pie-in-the-sky by most youth today. For better or worse, the thoughts of youth are society’s truth serum. I am honored to share this year’s societal wishes from the teen panel.
From Julian, 15: I live in a household with many religions. My father’s family is Jewish, my mother’s is Catholic. Both my parents converted to Hinduism, while my brother has a Muslim wife and converted to Islam. I, myself, believe in a higher power but don’t follow a religious path. My household is a model of tolerance and acceptance between different religious groups. I wish global society could have a similar tolerance and that no one religion pushed their views or considered itself the “true” religion.
From Bird, 17: You can still fight with each other — I can’t even imagine having world peace — but I would like everyone to be greener, trade their SUVs for hybrids, or convert to biodiesel. I want everyone to recycle, be clean, and be conscious. I know a woman who doesn’t believe in global warming, she doesn’t think it’s happening!
From Sawyer, 16: As the most multi-cultural nation on earth, America has great collective intelligence and creativity, but we’ve lost the drive to produce our own goods. World peace will never happen — we may produce a more united world, but people will always fight. Starvation will always be here, too. There will always be rich and poor. No one wants to mow the lawn, yet someone is left to it. It’s sad, but there will never be a time when all is equal. If we get rid of AIDS, something else will cause sorrow, end life, create destruction. You just need to strive and work hard for what you can. For that, freedom is essential, including the freedom to question and talk frankly about religion, including the terrorists’ religion.
From Geoff, 22: I read today that more people believe in the Devil and Hell than Darwin’s theory of evolution. Fixing that would be a start. I also wish our government was more transparent, people would become citizens again, presidential front-runners would stop thinking homosexuals will degrade the military, auto-makers would shift to more renewable energies instead of suing the states for seeking their own mandates, Fox News would be correctly categorized as a “talk show,” big business and conservatism would stop trumping science, and we could own up to 9/11.
From Betsy, 19: I wish we would stop using so much energy when we have the technology to use so much less. I also wish the media would stop negatively influencing kids to grow up faster then they should.
From Kendal, 20: I’d love for society to realize the Iraq war is mostly a peace-keeping police action. If we were to leave right now, there would be mass genocide of Shiites killing Sunnis, and Turks beating down Kurds. Of course we’re there for oil, but preventing genocide is high on the action list, too.
From Laura, 21: I would like people to ease up on political correctness. People are so quick to accuse others of being racist, sexist, or prejudiced that we end up perpetuating the very thing we want to eradicate. Instead of harping on every politically incorrect phrase, what if we put our energy into being tolerant of everyone in a more general, relaxed way?
From Lennon, 21: What happened to simple fun? If work was something people did part of the week instead of all week, the world would be a lot less stressed.
From Megan, 18: I mainly long to find comfort in the world. I wish to be truly happy, to love my life in every way, to be with people I love, and live to the fullest with them.
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December 12th, 2007
Dear Straight Talk: My husband just informed me that he invited “Chris” to our home for Christmas dinner. Chris is 19 and is a former juvenile runaway who lives and works in town. Last year he spent four weeks in jail for a drug-related crime which my husband almost posted bail for, but decided not to. I’ve met Chris and he smells of cigarettes and tends to expound on the more colorful aspects of his life. I’m upset because we were planning to have a private Christmas with just my mother and our son and daughter, who are 16 and 14, respectively. Not only do I worry that my kids will be negatively influenced, but my mother is adamantly opposed to the idea. I hate to be a scrooge but I don’t want Chris to think we are “family” and will bail him out next time he’s in trouble. Honestly, I just don’t feel safe with him at our house. — Upset for good reason
From Ellie, 16: You’re not accepting Chris as “family,” you’re having him over for Christmas dinner! I can see how you don’t want your kids influenced, but this is an opportunity for them (and you) to get to know Chris as a real person. Kids label other kids, especially if their parents have sheltered them, and they see things like cigarettes, drugs, and running away as horrible and assume the person doing them is horrible, too. In our society, people have a problem with people who have problems, but if we were more accepting, nobody’s problems would ever get that bad.
From Greg, 15: Personally, I think it would be weird having a random guy over for Christmas dinner. I would rather my dad take him to a restaurant on a different night.
From Betsy, 19: Part of me says, “Take a chance, it’s Christmas!” but I also agree that it’s a risk. This should have been discussed beforehand, not pushed on you. If your instinct is to say ‘no’, your husband should respect that.
From Amy, 20: Maybe you and your husband could compromise and take the young gentleman out for dinner on Christmas Eve or later on Christmas night. That way you are still being kind to Chris but are not exposing your household to him. I’m sure he would appreciate any kindness.
From Sawyer, 16: If a person needs a hand and everyone refuses him, how can he elevate himself? It’s not complicated thinking! Trust your husband’s judgment. He sees something good in Chris or he wouldn’t want to help him. As for Grandma, it’s not her home so she shouldn’t be pushing for anything. Two things need to happen: your husband needs to make sure Chris agrees to proper conduct, and you and Grandma need to treat Chris like a human being and not be cold to him. This could be a very positive experience to show your kids how life works.
Dear Upset: I recall hearing about a young man near Chris’ age who was accompanied by a pregnant young woman. They were runaways. They had no money, it was winter, it was cold. They knocked on doors asking for food and shelter and no one helped them. I applaud your husband for reaching out to this young man (whom you’ve so interestingly renamed “Chris”). I feel that your fears are irrational. Chris is not a homeless person knocking randomly on your door. He is obviously recovering from a traumatic childhood, but he lives and works in your community — and your husband knows him and has invited him! (Yes, your husband should have consulted you first, but it is obvious why he didn’t.) The teen panel is split on this, but I hope you find yourself honored to have Chris at your table and will treat him like a king.
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