Archive for October, 2007
October 31st, 2007
Dear Straight Talk: I appreciate your straight-forward response to “Megan’s dad” whose 19-year-old daughter is 50 pounds overweight. You are right that obesity is a disease, and while some may “accept” their weight, none are “happy” about it. But using rewards, as some on the teen panel suggested, won’t work. Diets, liposuction, having your stomach stapled, these won’t work either. Being overweight is caused by overeating and nothing will work, long-term, until a person faces the underlying issues of why he or she is overeating.
When I first saw things clearly, I was in a group with others who had problems with food. Being neither bulimic nor anorexic, the facilitator labeled me a “compulsive overeater.” I said, “I am not an overeater.” She replied, “You eat more than you need, you eat when you’re not hungry, you eat to point of discomfort, and you eat to stuff your feelings.”
I left there crying. She was right. I did all those things. I used food as a way to avoid my feelings and hide my stress. My husband and I had our drugs of choice: after work, we would be in the kitchen, he, drinking beer and I, eating. As with alcohol, when you eat to the point of being stuffed (meaning intoxicated) it’s difficult to be in touch with other feelings. This numbing effect is why you do it. Because overeating is an addiction, nothing really cures it other than programs like Overeaters Anonymous (OA) that follow the 12-steps to recovery. — Please tell your readers
Dear Please tell: Gladly. Overeaters Anonymous has a slogan: “It’s not what you’re eating, it’s what’s eating you.” The story of your awakening is powerful and I hope others see themselves in it. Getting past denial is the first step to recovery in any addiction.
According to the Center for Disease Control, from 1980 to 2004, obesity among adults doubled from 15 to 33 percent, while overweight among children tripled from six to 18 percent. In other words, if overeating was alcoholism, one out of three adults would be stumbling drunk (obese) and one out of five kids would be tipsy (overweight).
It is well known that hanging out with a drinker or smoker often leads to becoming one. New research shows that being around an overeater has the same effect. (Parents, if you need a compelling reason to quit, here it is.) Addictions clearly have a contagious quality.
Being overweight or obese has huge negative impact on one’s social, emotional, and physical health. Overeaters Anonymous’ 12-step program focuses on admitting you have a problem, taking moral inventory of your life, and healing the addiction at its roots. Meetings are free in every town. Visit www.oa.org or find “Overeaters Anonymous” in the business listings of your phone book.
I’d like my readers to take this test from OA. If you answer yes to three or more questions, you are very likely a compulsive overeater.
• Do you eat when you’re not hungry?
• Do you binge for no apparent reason?
• Do you plan binges ahead of time?
• Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?
• Do you give too much time and thought to food?
• Do you look forward to times when you can eat alone?
• Do you eat less around others and make up for it later?
• Is your weight affecting your life?
• Have you tried dieting only to fall short?
• Do you assert that you can cut back on food “whenever you want?”
• Do you resent being told to “use willpower” to stop overeating?
• Do you crave eating at a certain time, other than mealtime?
• Do you eat to escape worries or trouble?
• Have you ever been treated for a food-related condition?
• Do your eating habits make you or others unhappy?
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October 24th, 2007
Dear Straight Talk: I was very affected, Lauren, by the story of your son (9/5/2007). He was obviously an amazing young man and you obviously raised him well. I don’t know how you did it with four kids; we have five and have so many problems.
Our middle child, 15, has OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and Aspberger’s syndrome (a mild form of autism). She interrupts, makes ridiculous demands, and picks fights with family members non-stop. Single-handedly, she consumes most of my and her mother’s attention, which the other kids resent. All-out frustration reigns in our household which leads to other problems. As efforts to correct her behavior go nowhere, we are truly exasperated. I detected a note of shock from my older kids when I admitted yesterday that sometimes I want to walk away.
Our second child, 17, is pushing boundaries everywhere: bedtime, dating, freedoms, driving, (including damaging cars, claiming, ‘someone else must have done that.’). Now she wants to home school. She seems to be running from something, but says she is just trying to avoid bad influences. Trouble is, I work full-time, her mother is overwhelmed, and this daughter doesn’t have the discipline to home school successfully.
Our 10-year-old son has regressed to pooping his pants for the last two years, and we’ve tried everything. It really bothers the family when he won’t shower and blatantly lies about having a full “load” even when you can smell it. I’ve stopped bringing negative attention to the problem by harping on him, but now he’s getting more negative attention by failing in school and lying to us and his teachers.
We also have financial stress. I’m employed now, but was unemployed for two years and the financial aftermath is there. I don’t know where to turn. — Overwhelmed Dad
From Nick, 19: I have OCD, too, and nonverbal learning disorder (NLD). Many of your daughter’s actions mirrored my own at 15. My mother tried to help me extensively but I interpreted negatively and it created animosity between us. I felt attacked and ostracized for simply being me, and though I could see my actions were pushing people away, I somehow couldn’t refrain. What worked for me was being sent to live in a therapeutic community. I was there 18 months and it was the greatest — and most difficult thing — ever to happen to me. I learned to live with my mental and emotional issues in a way that doesn’t push people away.
From Peter, 20: There were five of us, too, and my older brother was schizophrenic and often refused medication. Having OCD with Aspbergers has got to be particularly difficult: not only is nothing perfect enough for your daughter, but she can’t understand why others don’t see it and has trouble communicating it. As frustrating as it is to deal with her, it is probably more frustrating for her to deal with you. Call Health and Human Services. Money and help is there, you just need to tap it.
Dear Overwhelmed: Do exactly as Peter says. Open the phone book and dial Health and Human Services in your county directory. Your family is in over its head with your daughter’s mental illness and you need help. It is destroying not only her, but the other family members as well. Tell Health and Human Services that you need a therapeutic community for your 15-year-old (think of it as a boarding school that will teach her how to function in the world), and get the rest of your family into group and individual counseling. Plow through the red tape and keep asking for what you need until you get it. Once the 15-year-old is where she needs to be, the stress level in your home will drop and you’ll be able solve these other problems. You and your wife are exhausted. Be kind to yourselves.
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October 17th, 2007
Dear Straight Talk: I’m 16 and I’m writing to complain about boys my age. They are just that: boys! My boyfriend’s idea of fun is going out with friends, drinking and getting stoned. Deface a few signs and you have a great evening in his opinion. I find such activity a silly waste of time and brain cells, and quite frankly, it’s dull. I know he has potential and is just a kid, but isn’t it weird that I am saying he is just a kid! My parents won’t allow me to date anyone over 18, so how do I get my boyfriend to grow up? Or do I give up on him? Not that anyone else looks any better: the “mature” ones seem nerdy and the popular ones seem immature. — Just asking
From Geoff, 21: In high school, I was that “mature” nerd you weren’t interested in. Now I’m older and many women have grown weary of “boys” and no longer find my maturity a turnoff. Don’t give up on the nerds!
From Mary, 17: If you don’t like his actions, TELL HIM! If he won’t change, leave him. Your statement that nobody else is any better, is mean. Talk to some of the “nerdy” guys and see what they’re like. Or don’t date! It’s not a necessity!
From Farren, 20: Girls often complain about their boyfriends, only to break up and date the same type of guy. Some popular guys don’t party, but you will greatly increase your playing field if you consider unpopular guys. Yes, the mature ones seem nerdy, but so what? Also, if you think you are going to change a guy, save the heartbreak and broaden your horizons. My senior year I enrolled in a college program and met amazing guys my age who didn’t care about petty things from high school.
From Nicole, 17: At 16, most boys are simply boys. Only rarely will you find a mature young man. When I was 16, my boyfriend was 19, and I asked myself your same question! In five years, give or take, you’ll be at the same level.
From Rose, 20: At 16, I partied hard and did things your boyfriend is doing. I didn’t grow out of it until I went to jail. Your boyfriend can land there, too, for the things he is doing. I doubt your influence will change him.
From Lennon, 21: I was one of the few popular guys in my high school who didn’t have the urge to drink, smoke, or abuse unwitting mailboxes. But still, guys remain children for a long time. You don’t want a guy who is too serious, but one who can buckle down when the need arises.
From Johannes, 20: You’re 16, not 30 with a kid on the way! You’re wasting silly time and brain cells worrying about boys and boyfriends. Their problems are their own to fix. Enjoy high school for what it is and leave the adult years for when you’re an adult.
From Mariah, 15: Guys think they’ll be young forever. It is usually a life-altering experience that causes them to look at the world differently.
From Shelby, 15: You sound like a snob and a male-basher. Are you doing anything in life to have fun and make people smile?
From Kendal, 20: There is some validity to the saying that “girls are two years ahead of guys,” but I think you’re just dating the wrong guy. Figure out what you want in a guy, instead of finding a guy and trying to turn him into what you want. That’s maturity.
Dear Just asking: And from me: Live your standards, but don’t burn bridges. A mature young woman knows that someday she’ll be 30, 40, and 50 years old and that some of the “nerds” and “boys” of today will knock her socks off tomorrow.
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