Archive for September, 2007
September 26th, 2007
Dear Straight Talk: I am 19 and I have a secret. I am a cross dresser. I’ve been wearing female clothes and makeup since I was 11. Honestly, life would be easier if I was gay. When you are gay people understand you, you fit in. But nobody understands cross dressing. I’m a good-looking, completely heterosexual male with desires to marry and have a family someday. Cross dressing is my passion; I enjoy it and it’s completely harmless. Last year I worked and traveled in Europe and I was able to explore my passion a lot, but being home again is depressing. I want to tell my girlfriend, but my last girlfriend left me over it and I’m sure my family will think I’m a pervert. Some days I wonder if I even belong in this world. — Steve and “Stephanie”
From Rose, 19: You do belong. Who is to say which clothes are meant for females and which are meant for males? I wear pants all the time, so why can’t you wear a dress? Your girlfriend needs to know the real you. How else can she love and accept you? Depending on your parents, some things are best left unsaid. About suicide: I’ve been there and it’s not worth it. Life is a beautiful thing; sometimes you just have to look for it. And sometimes you just have to breathe.
From Sawyer, 16: You picked a tough passion. Last year I dressed as a girl for the Halloween dance. I looked so “hot” my girlfriend shunned me all evening. I thought it would be fun but it threw everybody off.
From Peter, 20: People fear what they don’t understand. Start by showing your family videos of Eddie Izzard, a famous cross dresser comedian. It might help if they can appreciate a man because he is funny, not because he’s wearing women’s clothing.
From Nicole, 17: Surround yourself with people who understand and respect your lifestyle. You are doing nothing wrong and spending time with people who think you are is unhealthy. If your family cannot accept you, they are the ones who need help.
From Mariah, 15: You’re a cross dresser not a child molester! It’s not much different than being a tomboy.
From Mary, 17: I see nothing wrong with what you’re doing. If cross dressing makes you happy, tell your family. If they don’t accept you it will hurt, but at least you can move on and find people who do.
From Shelby, 15: People will always think of you differently; they do the same with gays, punks, Goths, and the guys who wear their pants around their knees. It’s just clothing, and if someone is so immature that they reject you for it, walk on.
Dear Steve and “Stephanie”: You have the unanimous support of the teen panel to be who you are — but it will take a lot of guts. You are correct that cross dressing is less understood than being gay. There is hardly a cross dresser alive that has not, at one point, considered suicide. Do not share with your parents right now. There will be plenty of opportunity when you feel stronger. I urge you, without delay, to contact other cross dressers through www.tri-ess.com, an international support group for heterosexual cross dressers, their friends, spouses, and families. By joining a local chapter you will see that you do indeed fit in. You will also learn how to best introduce your girlfriend to your “second self.” In the meantime, continue being the wonderful man to her that you are.
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September 19th, 2007
Dear Straight Talk: My 19-year-old daughter, “Megan,” attends college a few hours away. The problem is she is 50 pounds overweight. She’s been overweight for several years, but never to this degree. I’m worried about her health, but no matter what I say, she shows no motivation to lose weight. On both sides of her lineage there are morbidly obese women and I fear she is heading down this road. I’m at a loss as to how to get through to her. — Megan’s dad (not overweight and a regular exerciser)
From Farren, 19: Motivation is the key to losing weight. Gym memberships, cute clothes, stripping the pantry of junk food: nothing will work unless a person is motivated in the first place. Approach your daughter again. Let her know you love her unconditionally and because of that, and the family’s medical history, you are worried about her. Then, set up a support system and a reward system. Sometimes motivation needs a nudge. Get her a gym membership, set some goals together, and reward met goals by buying her something she’s really been wanting.
From Johannes, 20: Just love and support your daughter. Nothing can be accomplished unless she is internally motivated. Perhaps the 3-day Landmark Forum (www.landmarkeducation.com) would give her the spark she needs. People close to me have had terrific results.
From Nicole, 17: I doubt there is anything you can say or do that will make Megan dramatically change her diet. Hopefully she will have a self realization and will want to change. Continuing to bring it up will probably just make her defensive and no progress will be made.
From Mary, 17: There is nothing you can do so sit on your hands. She is an adult and it’s up to her.
From Mariah, 15: Maybe Megan doesn’t see herself as overweight, and likes the way she is.
Dear Megan’s dad: Many overweight or obese people will look you straight in the eye and tell you they like the way they are. It is a lie they tell themselves. Obesity is a disease and I take a truthful, proactive stance on it. I disagree with many on the teen panel who say there is nothing you can do. Internal motivation is triggered in many ways and you, as Megan’s parent, are one of the biggest triggers she has — even as she is a legal adult living away from home. Several times my parents said things to me in my twenties that motivated me to alter my course. Did I want to hear those things? Of course not. They required work.
How you talk to your daughter is crucial. Pick your moments carefully. Don’t be overbearing, forceful, or lay blame. Be friendly and loving in a non-cloying way, while at the same time, be factual and truthful about the ramifications of being overweight. Stay in communication and keep finding those moments. Don’t give up. Your concern is a form of love.
Setting up a support/reward system is also a great idea, as is sending your daughter to a Landmark Forum. I, too, have heard nothing but terrific reports from participants of this personal growth workshop.
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September 12th, 2007
Dear Straight Talk: I teach high school English and two of the autobiographical essays I assigned recently came back at doctorate-level perfection. One of the papers was from a girl and the essay talked about her being on the high school football team! How dumb do the students think I am? I extracted a line of words from each essay, put them in quotes, and ran a Google search. Sure enough, the essays were from Cheathouse.com and 123helpme.com.
With the “No Child Left Behind” law, schools are under pressure to have students make high marks, while actual learning is taking a break. Is the unrealistic pressure to get high marks driving kids to cheat? Or are they just lazy? — Katie Ragan, Rocklin Unified Schools
From Farren, 19: I’ve never known anyone idiotic enough to buy an essay off a website, but I’ve heard of it. The pressure to get good grades is much higher than it used to be. Nonetheless, going to a website and pulling off a paper is just plain dumb. Teachers know when you plagiarize: the writing style is too different, the vocabulary is too advanced, the sentence structure is too phenomenal. I think it is okay to use these websites for ideas, and to look at the bibliographies for research, but using the whole paper is just asking to get caught, and the consequences are far worse than if you didn’t turn in the assignment at all.
Kids who can’t write well are most tempted to cheat. “No Child Left Behind” has caused a lot of schools to lose money, eliminating programs that were helping kids who were behind. It’s no wonder some of these kids are cheating. Schools should have a mandatory class for all students — not a one-page syllabus — on cheating and plagiarism. The class should discuss how to make up work and get extensions, and where to find tutorial help.
From Jarrad, 18: Kids these days are under a lot of pressure by both teachers and parents to get into a good college. Yes, some kids are lazy, but many want to do their best in everything even though, in reality, there isn’t enough time. To get it all done, lots of kids abuse coffee or caffeine pills, which cause severe problems.
From Shelby, 15: To me, there is “cheating” and “white cheating.” The girl who got her essay off the internet was cheating, pure and simple, which is also “pure laziness” in my opinion. ‘White’ cheating, on the other hand, is what a lot of kids do when they can’t quite finish something and need a little help from Cliff notes or friends. I don’t think this kind of cheating is so bad because a lot of kids really do want to learn and become something, but sometimes it is impossible to get everything done. If this kind of cheating becomes a habit for a friend, I do try to get them back to doing their own work.
Dear Katie: You heard it from the field: While some kids are lazy, most are cheating because there is too much to do and not enough time. I like Shelby’s distinction between ‘cheating’ and ‘white’ cheating and I’m sure every parent can see where one is a red-flag warning and the other is what many individuals do under unrealistic pressure. The news is filled with stories in politics, sports — and schools — where cheating and/or doping is the way to the top.
Stress ranks at the top of parental concerns for their teenagers. Farren’s idea that schools have a mandatory class to discuss cheating and provide healthy alternatives is excellent. If the majority of kids have to cheat or rely on caffeine to “do it all,” something is wrong with the way we are educating our youth.
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