Teens stand up to sexual predators
August 1st, 2007Dear Straight Talk: In reference to your column of June 27, there is another reason divorced or single mothers need to get over their inhibitions and give their sons the “sex talk.” In many families, “Mom” is the only person a son can go to for help if he is sexually molested. My mother re-married when I was 11 and I was molested by her husband from age 12 to 14. I finally found the courage to stand up to my stepfather’s sick game, but to this day, my mother knows nothing about it. Sex was such a taboo topic between us that it made it virtually impossible to tell her. Had I been able to tell her, I believe she would have protected me and dumped him, but there was an unwritten code that, as an adolescent male, you didn’t discuss sexual topics with your mother.
I’m now grown and have done a lot of counseling. Men molesting boys is more common than people think. Boys hold things in more than girls, so the culture doesn’t hear about it as much. Mothers need to tell their sons they can come to them for any reason, including this one. — Dan, 55, El Dorado Hills
From Mary, 17: I know about being silenced, too. I was raped at 11 and didn’t talk about it till I was 14. And yes, it was my mom I went to. The rapist was a substitute teacher at my school. He kept me quiet with something like, “If you tell anyone I will kill you,” or “I will kill your family.” The words I remember exactly were, “You should be happy because you will never be touched by a man like this ever,” and “You’re such a whore.”
When it happened I tried to pretend I wasn’t there and afterward I thought nobody would believe me. I was so ashamed. I thought I was a whore and that I deserved it. (The thought still crosses my mind.) By eighth grade, I couldn’t hide from it anymore so I told my mother. Now this man is being taken to court. Some say I should attend for closure, but I don’t want to. I see a counselor and talk to friends about it. I even gave a speech on it. I will probably deal with it the rest of my life, but I try not to let it control me.
From Mariah, 15: My parents didn’t speak to me about molestation until recently, and I’m almost 16. I think parents should have this talk early because things like this can happen when you’re really young.
From Jarrad, 18: What your stepfather did is disgusting and deserves consequences. It’s great that you had the nerve to stand up to him and I hope your letter gives other kids the power to tell someone — if not their mom or dad, then the police. What this man did to you was wrong and everyone knows it is wrong. For any kid out there reading this, your predator’s threats and accusations are lies. Because you’re young, you believe them and let them silence you. None of it is your fault and you’re not being tied up, so tell on them!
Dear Dan: I am broadcasting your message loud and clear. Sexual predators don’t want to get caught, but that’s too bad. What you and the teen panel said today is sure to empower victims of molest to tell on their abusers. I agree that if parents include this topic in the “sex talk,” their sons and daughters will be more apt to tell someone if molestation is occurring — or, even better, to stand up to the abuser before it happens. In my opinion, age-appropriate, empowering conversations around molestation should begin early, around age 4 or 5, keeping in mind that it is usually not strangers who molest children but someone close to the child.
