Archive for July, 2007
July 25th, 2007
Dear Straight Talk: I’m 50 years old, proud father of my first child, a baby daughter. I like your column and have a question for you. I know very few teens today that work. From age 12 to the time I graduated, I had seven jobs: dishwasher, golf caddy, cashier, waiter, etc. These jobs taught me things you don’t learn in school: independence, communicating with adults, budgeting time and money.
Most parents give their teens an excess of high-end material goods and keep them hopping from one sport or enrichment to the next. I think working for money is a step toward independence that is missing today. What do you think the long-term result of teens not working will be? Do you think parents should make teens earn their own money for things like clothes, movies, lunch out, and the costs of driving a car? — G. B., Folsom
Dear G. B.: Yes I do, with odd jobs starting around 12, and part-time employment starting around 16. The social skills, executive skills, and humility that are obtained from working can be gotten nowhere else but “on the job.”
We’re already seeing the results of spoiling kids with too much stuff and not enough work. Designer jeans, sushi dinners, flat screen TVs — aren’t these basic staples? I know 18-year-olds who have never operated a vacuum cleaner. The materialistic bar has been raised so high and the self-esteem movement has inflated “I’m special” to the point that many kids live like mini heirs and heiresses. Narcissism is up 30 percent since 1982 with two-thirds of college students scoring above average on the Narcissistic Personality Inventory. Of course, it’s the parents who keep jumping when the kids say jump. And of course, this “more, more, more” lifestyle is a house of cards. Household debt in this country is higher than household assets.
There are windows of opportunity when humans are ready for certain developmental steps, and when that developmental step is taken at the optimum age it’s like hitting the sweet spot on a tennis racket. The optimum age for independence is around age 19. Part-time work is what prepares a kid for this step. Not being ready when this window opens is resulting in the “quarter-life crisis” that many young adults are experiencing.
Teens who actively strive for financial independence (whether they need to or not), will be ahead of the game when they step into the adult world. No year-round sport or enrichment program compares to this training.
From Mariah, 15: Some teens need to work, others have the means to wait. Sports and lessons teach discipline and life skills, too, just differently.
From Shelby, 15: Not having a job because you are lazy or want to play video games is different than not having a job because you do summer sports or take classes. There is also a difference between working for pay and working to learn. I don’t feel spoiled because I am interning for my dream job.
From Katie, 14: Every day my parents make a list of chores like housecleaning, mowing, doing dishes, and taking care of our animals. If I don’t do them well and on time, I don’t get paid and can’t see friends that day. I pay for extra clothes, movies, lunch out, or any other social event.
From Mary, 17: My parents are no longer my taxi. I find my own ride. If I want buy something or go somewhere, I pay for it. When I’m working, I pay part of the phone bill.
From Jarrad, 18: Most people these days, kids and adults both, don’t understand money. I’ve earned about $600 per month for the last two years, but a lot of teens get their paycheck and say, “Wow, $600, let’s go get drunk.” Drinking costs about $50 a night, add $15 for buying extravagant food while high, and there’s a significant chunk of change down the drain. Even straight kids don’t know to manage their money. Everyone buys too much frivolous stuff.
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July 18th, 2007
Dear Straight Talk: I’m 15 and during the middle of the school year I was taken from my mom because she drinks. My little sisters, ages two and three, were taken also. My sisters are now back with my mom, and I have the choice to move back, too, or stay here at my dad’s almost two hours away. I can’t figure out what to do. I want to stay with my dad, but I also want to live with my mom. Right now I see her every other weekend. My dad and I don’t get along very well. I get mad at him because he gets into my business and personal life, and my little brother invades my privacy. On the other hand, Dad gives me a lot of freedom compared to Mom and I like the school better here and have made some good friends. What should I do?—Heather, South Carolina
Dear Heather: For most kids, choosing between parents is the most torturous responsibility they are asked to bear. Most kids fear they will hurt the feelings of the parent not chosen. I want to assure you that a teenager’s feelings, especially around rejection, are much stronger than an adult’s, and the parent not chosen will not suffer nearly as much as you are imagining.
My advice is to choose your dad’s house. Your mother is an alcoholic, and not always a functional one, which is a deal-breaker in my opinion. I suspect you have already spent plenty of time caring for her instead of her caring for you. I wouldn’t be surprised if you also feel the need to take care of your little sisters.
People who live with an alcoholic (or any addict) usually develop a psychological condition called co-dependency, where they feel the need to take care of the alcoholic. It is an unhealthy condition based on hidden control and manipulation by the addict. Usually the co-dependent is not aware of the manipulation, and in fact, usually the addict isn’t either. The addict adopts the manipulative behavior unconsciously in order to protect and maintain their addiction, and the co-dependent unconsciously goes along with it out of survival. I urge you to attend a few Al-Anon meetings so you can see the psychological effect an alcoholic parent has on his or her children.
Keep visiting your mother on the current schedule, but make your dad’s home your permanent residence. That your dad gets into your business while giving you freedom tells me he’s doing his job as a parent. I suspect you’re just not used to it.
From Brittney, 18: A lot of kids these days have to make this choice. Ask yourself, where will I be safest and happiest? Which household will benefit me most?
From Geoff, 21: If you have found a school that you really enjoy, I say stay. Over the next three or four years you will meet great friends and teachers who will be part of your life long after you graduate. Your family (both households) will always be there.
From Farren, 19: I think it would be best if you stayed with your father. While you don’t get along as well with him, it sounds like you are living in a safe environment and enjoy the school. That your dad gives you a lot of freedom is good because you need some room to make mistakes. But he should get into your personal life! While you’re young, it is his business. It’s important that he knows what is going with you. How else can he give you guidance and support during these years when you’re sure to make mistakes? This may sound odd, but my dad knows pretty much everything about me. I’m very open with him and let him be part of my life. It is also important to see your mom and your sisters, so keep visiting them.
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July 11th, 2007
Dear Readers: The column about the mother who wondered how to have “the sex talk” with her son (June 27) stimulated mail from both readers and the teen panel. Today I share with you “a tale of two daughters.” It shows the impact of parents who love and communicate with their teenagers around this topic, versus those who don’t. It also shows how to make the best of the “worst of times.”
Many parents operate from the myth that if they aren’t harsh and penalizing around sex, their teen will tumble into promiscuity, pregnancy, and a failed life. This is backward thinking. To improve the odds that your teen or teens will avoid a major mishap (or be stable in the event of one), and will ultimately make healthy sexual choices, love them unconditionally, help them, and communicate with them — while gently making your values known. The reason this works is because, at the end of the day, your kids want to please you because they love you for loving them.
From Elizabeth, 18: I was 16, on the pill, and using a condom when I got pregnant. I was living with my grandmother because my mother wanted nothing to do with me. My grandmother didn’t like me either. Had she seen my growing belly, she would have kicked me out of the house and put my boyfriend in jail for being 18. That would leave me no home, no support for me or the baby, and a father behind bars. I was really scared so I kept the baby a secret. Before this, I had always looked down on women who used an abortion to “erase a mistake.” Now I know that many are pushed into it.
Teen pregnancy happens in the best of families. Parents need to earn their kids’ confidence so they will ask for help before it happens. If your daughter does get pregnant, the outcome must be her decision. You might want an abortion so she doesn’t “mess up her life,” but taking away her choice could leave her with regrets and emotional scars like I have. On the other hand, you could be against abortion, but she might not be ready to be a parent and will damage the baby.
My grandmother kicked me out anyway and I live in a group home. But my boyfriend has remained at my side. What happens to the girls who have no one?
From Farren, 19: I’m now a junior in college, but when I was a young teenager, my mom often gave me a sex talk that went something like this: “Farren, there is nothing wrong with sex, I just hope you choose to do it when you’re older. But I won’t be there when this decision is made, so there is no way I can stop you. If you decide to have sex, please tell me so I can put you on birth control.”
I was 16 when I first had sex with my boyfriend. I told my mom and she kept her word and got me on birth control. Eventually “Zach” and I broke up, (he had issues), and then, in my senior year, we smoked weed together, felt connected again, and got back together. When I told my mom we were intimate again, she was unhappy (because of what he had put me through before), so she calls my brother and dad into the living room and tells them I am having sex with Zach again and smoking weed! (This was the first my dad and brother had heard on either topic.) My dad looked awkward and didn’t say anything and my older brother almost starts crying and says, “I’ve only smoked weed once, and I hated it, and I haven’t even had sex yet. I can’t believe you would make that choice right now.”
That night I broke up with Zach for good. My family gave me a choice, but they pushed for one side. I realized I’d rather do something they were happy with.
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