Archive for June, 2007
June 27th, 2007
Dear Straight Talk: My son is 15 and I’ve never sat him down and given him the sex talk. His dad is not available and I’m afraid I’m failing him in this department. I’ve tried bringing up the subject, but he waves me off with, “Mom, I already know that stuff.” I know how important communication is and want him to come to me if he is having troubles, but we’re both embarrassed by the topic. All I remember my dad saying to my brother was, “Keep it in your pants,” which I don’t find very helpful. Would the young men on your teen panel tell me the best approach? — Speechless in the suburbs
Dear Speechless: Between the ages of roughly 12 and 17, “Mom” and “sex” in the same mental construct sends most boys into convulsions. This reaction is healthy. Traditionally, boys came of age with guidance from men, while mothers supported it from well behind the scenes. I agree with the men’s movement, that even in today’s non-traditional settings, mothers are not the best guides for their sons in this process.
Nonetheless, you’re all he’s got. Get him the book for boys: What’s Happening to my Body by Lynda Madaras. (I recommend you read it, too). It will cover the “impossible-to-discuss” details, leaving you to impart what the teen panel feels is most important of all: values, responsibility, safety — and that you’re there for him.
From Peter, 20: I never had the sex talk with my parents. With sex education classes, your son probably knows all of the technical stuff. What you should worry about is that he knows the other stuff: the difference between love and facsimiles thereof, why sex shouldn’t be a casual thing, the dangers of STDs and early parenthood. One thing my parents did teach me is to respect women, and to never, ever, hit girls.
From Lennon, 20: I never had a “sex talk,” which to me is a sit-down-on-the-couch-and-seriously-discuss-sex kind of thing. My father never even mentioned sex until I was interested in girls, which was good because then I was ready. He put me at ease by saying something like, “So, have you had sex with so-and-so yet?” It was so blunt and ridiculous and he said it with such a humorous tone that it was funny and made me relax. Tell him what your father said to your brother; that will loosen things up. And don’t sit down with him, don’t give him any warning, make it a totally run-of-the-mill subject.
From Farren, 19: Your son is 15, so if he says “Mom, I already know that stuff,” he’s telling the truth. However, certain information needs to come from you because 1) it’s your sole responsibility as his parent; 2) his information might not be the best; 3) he needs to know your expectations and ground rules. Talking about sex with your mother is probably the most embarrassing thing possible, but without it, many teenagers will end up with a child at 15! Don’t sit down and have a set discussion. Bring things up casually, and for both your sakes, use humor.
From Mariah, 15: At 15 he knows a lot about sex, so approach him at this level, not as a little kid. The main thing is to tell him it’s an open subject and that you’re there for him if he needs help.
From Elizabeth, 18: Kids know and do a lot more than parents think and this is happening at younger and younger ages. It’s a scary thought, especially for me who might become a future parent. Not much will stop this process, so talk with kids early and earn their confidence. Talk to them about peer pressure, tell them they won’t be un-cool for waiting, take them to a class on STDs, talk to them about birth control and consider making it available because things will happen that you won’t know about until it’s too late.
Discuss this column »
June 20th, 2007
Dear Straight Talk: In a recent column about counseling (5/9/2007) it was mentioned that high-achieving females needed more understanding and care than other “high-risk” types. I’m concerned that my daughter, 16, might be one of these females. Can you describe in more detail what “at risk” looks like in a high-achieving female? My daughter is excelling in academics, sports, theater, and has a lot going on socially. I’m very proud of her, but how can I tell if her lifestyle is unhealthy, or if it is just her being all she can be? Also, if I thought she should take life a little easier, how would I get her to do this?—SuperDaughter’s mother
Dear SuperDaughter’s mother: Kathleen Snyder, the Suicide Prevention Coordinator who ran the early-intervention counseling program to which you refer, says to look for changes in the high-achiever’s usual behavior and watch her reaction to things. Snyder says, “At-risk perfectionists will settle for nothing less than perfection. If the high achiever gets 93 percent on a test, they focus on the 7 percent they missed and what a stupid person they are. If they place second in an athletic event, they are so dumb, they should have tried harder and they would have won. They negate their incredible successes if it is not perfect. Body weight often plays a role. Unless these girls see themselves as thin enough, they aren’t good enough.”
These are some of the identifying behaviors of an at-risk high-achiever. A high-achiever who is not at risk is happy with her success and body image even if the success and body image aren’t perfect. In other words, doing well and looking good are not crimes against doing great and looking impossibly greater.
High achievers with at-risk components to their behavior typically are in mind-boggling denial of them and it usually requires someone from the outside to spot them. Trust yourself. If you see the signs—or are in doubt—get thy daughter to a counselor! A counselor can help her recognize and adjust her own behavior (whereas if you try, it can lead to further denial—as you know, high-achievers can be very hard-headed). If she has resistance to seeing a counselor, leverage one of her activities or use financial incentive to make it happen.
From Farren, 19: First, think critically about these questions: Do your daughter’s activities make her happy, or would another activity fit her better? Does she have an activity where she can “let go” and have fun? Is she happy within the family? Do you tell her regularly how proud of her you are? Is there someone close she can talk to?
Next, approach your daughter without judgment and ask her how she is doing. Don’t take “fine” for an answer, get in and communicate with her. It is extremely easy for teens to hide their stress.
Don’t expect that she will slow down because she probably won’t. Instead, take over some aspects of her life to make things easier for her. As a parent, you are her number one helper. And don’t forget to talk to her about values, ideas, and morals. Your wisdom is indispensable to her.
From Laura, 20: If your daughter’s activities aren’t interfering with her health or happiness, let her decide how much she can handle. Unless she is pressured by a parent, the desire to succeed is often an intrinsic part of one’s personality. Your daughter may thrive on a level of activity, competition, and achievement that would exhaust a less driven person and it would be a disservice to fight against her nature.
From Shelby, 15: I’m involved in two sports, drama, school, event planning, and balancing time with friends. Yes, it is a lot, but it makes me feel like I am doing something. If your daughter’s grades are good and she is having fun with her activities, don’t tell her she is doing too much. If she is like me, she will just take on more to prove you wrong.
Discuss this column »
June 13th, 2007
Dear Straight Talk: Fifteen minutes into my school’s senior prom a third of the seniors were kicked out for drinking and had to call their parents. This was extremely unfair because only four out of the 19 kids kicked out had been drinking. The rest were deemed guilty simply because they had arrived in the same limo. The school did nothing to prove who had been drinking and who hadn’t. With all the time and money spent preparing for this big night, this was a waste. It ruined prom, not only for them, but for the rest of us who were seeing them for the last time.
My question is, how do you protect yourself from being accused of drinking when you haven’t been? What should those kids or their parents have said or done to prove their innocence? Freshman, private high school
Dear Freshman: I have zero tolerance for alcohol at school functions, but punishing the innocent for the actions of the guilty is unconscionable and destructive. Teens hang out with each other for complex reasons and are not necessarily accomplices or even “birds of a feather.” When teens are punished for making a smart choice (especially when there was peer pressure to do otherwise), many will wonder why they bothered. The sober teens should have been praised for their maturity and welcomed to the dance with the flourish the prom deserves.
To answer your question, many high schools use a Breathalyzer to separate fact from suspicion or prejudice. An old-fashioned sobriety test works, too, although a Breathalyzer can detect minute amounts of alcohol (which includes mouthwash and Binaca). I suggest that parents and students formally demand that a testing method be in place before the next dance.
Here are more answers:
From Mary, 17: That’s easy. If you never want to get kicked out of a dance, never drink and never go to a dance with people who drink.
From Mariah, 15: A Breathalyzer would solve everything, but maybe the school thought that because they were all in the same limo that more of them were bound to drink later. The school shouldn’t be blamed. So many teenagers die from drunk driving, they just wanted to prevent anything bad from happening. The innocent teenagers shouldn’t have been with the other four in the first place.
From Brittney, 18: An easy solution would be for your school to have a Breathalyzer or use a physical sobriety test.
From Rachel, 15: A similar thing happened at my prom and innocent kids were thrown out based on their peers’ bad decisions. There was no testing method available, so nobody could prove their innocence. The best chance you have when trying to reason with unreasonable people is to stay calm. When you get angry you look guilty. In high school everyone will have a time when they are accused of something they didn’t do, so be forceful when dealing with the situation but also stay calm.
From Geoff, 21: High school students have always been second-class citizens with little recourse in terms of free speech, right to organize, right to publish, or right to legal counsel. Even peaceful protests are frowned upon in high school. I’m not arguing that high school students should be more than second-class citizens (this is a different, longer debate), I’m just saying this is your reality.
That said, there’s really nothing you can do to protect yourself besides developing a network of “higher-ups” who trust you and appeal politely to the nicest one to be tested. When I was in high school, a local police officer always had a Breathalyzer at events. If your school doesn’t, you may be out of luck.
Since this is in the past, there’s not much you can do except make a formal complaint to the administration with signatures of parents and kids. It would also help if the drinking students admitted their mistakes and formally vouched for others.
Discuss this column »
