Archive for April, 2007
April 25th, 2007
Dear Straight Talk: I need to vent. I don’t understand the mindset of the “Emo” type that shops at Hot Topic and wears a bunch of black. I understand they are struggling with things, probably the craziness of their parents, but I wish they would stop advertising their problems to the world. They walk around with this huge label that says, “I’m depressed. Feel sorry for me. I hate my parents. I hate the world.” On MySpace, they continue to advertise their pathetic lives. Is this a fad or what?—Dan, 19
Dear Dan: Yes, it’s a fad. I passed your letter on to the teen panel and received so much negativity toward “Emos” I thought a volcano erupted. Wallowing in self-pity is unhealthy and I understand the frustration with it, but keep in mind how young you all are and how much you all will change. Please, if someone is cutting themselves or speaking of suicide, notify an adult or call 911 immediately. If that person is being overly dramatic this should snap them out of it, and if they’re serious, you could be saving a life.
From Farren, 19: Emo stands for “emotional.” It used to refer to a genre of music but now it’s a social category. Honestly, it’s pathetic. Emo kids hate all other social categories, such as “preppy,” “popular,” etc., and think they can go through life complaining about their sad state while doing absolutely nothing to fix it. Even those who cut themselves seem to do it for attention.
From Mary, 17: Emo started as a type of music then became this thing! Emos generally don’t have the problems they say. People with real problems usually don’t advertise them.
From Lennon, 20: Emos are easily confused with Goths. They both wear a lot of black, but Emos prefer long sleeves, hoodies, skin-tight pants, while Goths like chains, spikes, and leather. Emos listen to screamy or whiny music, Goths prefer death metal. Goths have serious issues and want people to leave them alone. Emos want pity even though their problems aren’t serious. It’s generally that their love interest has dumped them, or their parents said no to a party or concert, so maybe they cut themselves or say they want to kill themselves, but it’s all a show. I suppose some are seriously messed up, but 95 percent just want attention. They need to get over themselves
From Marie, 16: I was put down in life and thought about going Emo. But after I cut myself I realized I didn’t need to do things like that.
From Peter, 20: I want nothing to do with Emos. They glorify self-pity and whine about everything with no attempt to get over their problems. Whenever I hear the twang of an Emo band I cringe. Ditto for the Emo look: jet-black hair swept across one or more eyes, boys wearing ‘little girl pants,’ and a look of melancholy and angst.
Emo kids are typically from upper-middle class families. After a narcissistic upbringing, I don’t think they know what to do with themselves in high school and college where things aren’t so peachy. So, they hear songs like “Ooooo, my girlfriend left me… I feel like trash…I can’t go on,” and they think: “Finally! Someone understands me!’” Their cushy background makes ordinary problems feel huge. Then, to justify their wallowing in angst, they have to create real problems like binge-drinking, substance abuse or cutting.
I think the Emo trend is the long-term effect of the breakdown of the family. When kids don’t have communication with their parents, they rely on their peers to guide them through issues. But peers don’t often have the wisdom to put life in perspective and show you how to move through things.
From Brittney, 18: Teens are vulnerable to fads and to expressing angst. It is narrow-minded and destructive to judge young people by their fads. Underneath, they are individuals, and we should always lend a hand if someone is troubled.
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April 18th, 2007
Dear Straight Talk: I’m in eighth grade and I’m glad you did a column on cyber-bullying. Last year an internet hate group formed when “Rachel” got really mad at “Sarah” for supposedly talking behind her back. In revenge, Rachel started a MySpace page called “WOS” for “War on Sarah.” Nobody realized that Rachel built the webpage until later; she acted like she found it and was just rallying everyone to use it. About a third of my class got in on it and it went out of control. At school Sarah was called names and given dirty looks, online she was threatened to be beat up and killed, and was called a no-good, two-faced prostitute who stole her friends’ boyfriends. Eventually all her friends dumped her and nobody in the middle school would stand up for her.
I moved here right after the “war” was busted, so I wasn’t involved, but I can sort of see how it happened. Sarah was this pretty, rich girl who would state her mind without fear or embarrassment. I think a lot of kids were jealous and wanted to chop her down.
After two months of the “war” Sarah refused to go to school and told her parents. At first they wanted her to ignore it, but when she showed them the WOS webpage they went to the school principal. The principal used the web postings to trace everybody involved. He then gave all those kids and their parents a huge lecture on how it is against the law to threaten and harass someone and he made each kid apologize to Sarah in person. He also permanently blocked MySpace on the school computers and the kids all had to delete their personal MySpace accounts at home.
Sarah tried to come back to school this year, but some kids kept harassing her and calling her names so she transferred to a different school.—K.W.
Dear K.W.: Wars like this have no winners. I hope the primary players receive professional help because the damage incurred is deep for everyone involved.
Psychologist, Philip Zimbardo, author of “The Lucifer Effect: Understanding How Good People Turn Evil,” calls cyber-bullying the newest evil. Zimbardo has spent his life studying the nature of evil behavior, which he defines as “intentionally behaving in ways that harm others.”
Zimbardo feels that the template for evil exists in each of us, that given the right environment, evil can be activated in anyone. He would say the kids in this hate group were not “rotten apples” but that their environment created a “rotten barrel” in which good kids turned bad.
We can talk all day about willpower and moral choice, but the fact is, environment plays a huge role in behavior. The obesity epidemic is a perfect example. In homes that bombard kids with junk-food ads with little parental modeling or oversight, it is the rare child who will make healthy food choices. So, is the obese child a rotten apple? Of course not. It’s hardly his or her fault.
Similarly, the internet is an environment far from parental oversight where, for young people, shock and awe are prized and popularity is the goal. Are kids who “go too far” in this environment rotten apples? Or is the environment setting them up? Have we provided our children adequate role models and mental conditioning to remain moral within such an environment?
These are questions to consider as more and more kids find themselves bullying others online—while bystanders silently allow it to happen.
I’m impressed that you wrote in and I’m impressed with your school principal. Regardless of how obnoxious or different a person is, nobody has the right to abuse another. I hope schools and parents will warn kids about how certain online environments can bring out the worst in a person—and that such behavior is not acceptable.
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April 11th, 2007
Dear Straight Talk: My mom wants me go to counseling but I don’t want to talk to a stranger about my situation. I know it might help me, it’s just that I don’t like talking to people I don’t know about my feelings and problems. But I stuff everything inside and then it explodes. Without knowing my situation, what do you think I should do?—Chelsea
Dear Chelsea: Get over it. If you had a suspicious lump, would you refuse to show it to a doctor just because you don’t know him? Mental illness has surpassed cancer as the top health problem worldwide, and like cancer, mental problems are best healed with early intervention. In addition to seeing a counselor, consider taking a class with Teens-Matter. You get to learn why you are the way you are and how to deal with life while being you. It’s a lot of fun! Our next Life Skills class starts Tuesday, April 17. Call (530) 889-2300 for details.
From Ashley F., 19: I’ve had counseling on and off since I was six. But when I hit the teen years, I thought it was the worst idea ever! I used to bottle up my emotions until I would explode, too. Counseling helped me learn about myself and how to control my emotions. Teens-Matter helped, too, maybe even more than counseling, because it was a safe, supportive group and I realized I wasn’t the only one having a hard time.
From Elizabeth, 18: I’ve seen a lot of counselors and it is essential that you are comfortable with whoever you are seeing. Go to a few sit downs and get to know the counselor. If you don’t like him or her, find a new a one. But don’t drop a counselor because he or she tells you things you don’t want to hear. My therapist always tells me when I’m not “seeing” what I need to see, but it’s done in a way that doesn’t “slam me down”. Give it try. You can even look around and find someone yourself.
From Sawyer, 15: I did about 13 sessions with a counselor and it wasn’t so bad. I didn’t want to go either, but my mom made me. I would tell her I hated it, but it was pretty good, actually. I liked the guy and I think my mom could see that.
From Taylor, 18: I haven’t seen a counselor, but I would like to because I have issues, too. It would be great to talk to someone that won’t judge me or spread rumors. It’s not necessarily safe to talk to a friend. Plus, a counselor really listens whereas your friends cut you off and start talking about themselves.
From Katie, 13: I wouldn’t want to tell a complete stranger about my personal problems either. Still, your mom wants what’s best for you, so humor her and go to a few sessions.
From Torey, 21: Go for it! Many adults pay impressive amounts of money for the insight and inspirations they encounter with a therapist. Take advantage of the free trial. But make it your own experience, not something “Mom” wants you to do.
From Mary, 16: I’ve been in your shoes. Just tell your parents, “Please let me find my own way to deal with this!”
From Shelby, 15: The biggest thing is finding someone you like, not someone your mom thinks you should like, which is what happened to me. After that experience, I can totally understand not wanting to talk to certain people.
From Kendal, 20: I’m in counseling and after just a few sessions I’m coping with my situation better. Keeping intense emotions inside may feel like strength but it is detrimental to your health. If you have a stigma about going to counseling, don’t tell anybody—and have your parents keep it quiet, too.
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